Monday, May 12, 2008

Big Changes...

Are you good with change?

Some people are and some people aren't.

I like to think that I am, for the most part, adaptable. However, I was sort of slapped in the face by fear this weekend. Not fear of change really, but fear of the "unknown". That spooky place of possible successes and/or failures; a place you have no control over. A place that may be predestined, but probably isn't.

The place of unknown! (insert scary X-Files music here)

I guess it -- that I'm moving and heading off to a completely foreign place where my future is uncertain -- really hit me as I was typing a letter of resignation for work. You'd think the boxes of crap, overflowing with meaningless (yet once important) artifacts of my life, littering my apartment in preparation for a grand garage sale would remind me of my imminent move, but they haven't. Instead the boxes irritate me and make me feel somewhat dirty, as if I can't keep anything clean. Which is entirely possible--I'm not the best housekeeper in the world.

It wasn't the boxes. It was that letter--that date of termination--that did me in and made me freak out. It was a physiological response too--I gasped and my eyes bulged. Like a cartoon. And I said: "holy shit... I'm actually moving soon!" Thus commenced my freak out, which was accompanied by delicious strawberry cheesecake flavored frozen yogurt.

Moving is scary, but it's going to happen. I told my boss today that I was accepted to school and would be leaving at the end of July. I'll have to tell my "real" boss when he comes on July 1. Maybe I'll be nice and wait a few days so he doesn't get the sad news on his first day of work. I know it's going to happen, but I guess I have this "what if I don't leave" fear. I don't know, it's all confusing. I don't like it at all, but I will survive.

I'm leaving Texas in 82 days (51 work days). It'll be sad to leave my new friends.

I don't like that I'm constantly filled with worries right now. Blah.


angie said...

51 days.... did you need to put it like that? It is sad to think of you leaving, even sadder to know there is a number associated with it. You have such awesome experiences ahead of you, and I look forward to hearing about them in the months to come.... but I will miss you, Tanya.

Margosita said...

I can definitely relate! (Found your blog through the MFA blog.)


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