Another random blog from last year. This one sort of fits how I was feeling last night when I was overwhelmed by my financial situation. It fits with a lot of other things going on in my life right now too.
Devils on my pillow... (written in Feb or March 2006)
It's funny that the moment I've made up my mind, decided on a plan of action, that the devils appear and attack my pillow. This happened last night, after a day of revelation (church) and re re-commitment (weight watchers), I laid down contently, only to have little bitty red creatures with sharp teeth, climb over the walls of my pillow and attack me from all angles. No matter how many prayers or good thoughts I thought, nothing but sadness looms over me. Even a Brownie for my soul didn't work. So I had an unpeaceful night's sleep, but woke strangely rested--or maybe that was the cup of coffee I had once I got to work?
It's the same old, same old, when the devils come. They attack my willpower and my desire to finally take steps in the right direction. They sneer and laugh at my attempts to achieve what I desire most and rekindle the little fire inside that says: "You'll never make it." They make me doubt myself, and put thoughts like: "I'll never win this battle" in my head. Sadly, I believe them.
This hill that I climb daily is a mountain. And I'm falling. No, rolling down at a rate that knocks down all the trees like bowling pins. There's nothing to grip onto, nothing to hold, and I just fall, until I hit the ground with a force that jars me to my senses, dust my self off, and start climbing again. I don't think I've make it half way up the mountain before I tumble down.
So this happened last night, and not even Brownie helped ease the pain that my own brain was causing. [Note: Brownie is not food.] I don't even know how I managed to fall asleep--or if I did at all. I'm thankful that though these bouts of devil attacks are brief and never last with the sunrise. The sun kills them away, puts my mind and heart at rest. But there's still this feeling that I haven't quite survived the fall.
I'm still dusting myself off, staring up the hill, determined that this is the year that I reach the top. But I'm sure I'm going to fall a few more times along the way.