By Thursday, I'll be Done

I'm printing out my final thesis as I type this. Then I'm on my way up to New Hampshire to defend it (Monday) and then have my public reading (Wednesday). I can't believe I'm almost done with all of this. It seems so crazy, like I just started and that I haven't really learned anything. I'm horrified to see any typos in this thing, but if they're there, they're there for good. :) Next time I post, I'll officially have my MFA degree.

Last Semester

So, my last semester of classes starts tomorrow afternoon. The break was long (perhaps too long) and relaxing, and now I don't want to get back into the swing of things. I haven't written anything in months. The idea of writing a thesis freaks me out. I need a schedule... sleeping all day isn't that great for my psyche. :) I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow or Wednesday for that matter--it feels weird to be going back.

Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and continue the forward momentum from last semester (where supposedly my writing improved a great deal--guess I sucked it up first year, which isn't that surprising actually). I'm still undecided about this whole MFA thing. I'm too deep in to quit now, but I feel that my expectations and hopes weren't met. It's been a long, HARD road. Full steam ahead, I guess.

Year Two Begins

What a difference a year makes. I feel more confident (speaking in class or volunteering to read), but have the same lack of confidence in regard to having my writing critiqued. Anxiety pumps through my veins in stead of blood. I think it has a lot to do with the subject of my story and the characters and what I'm trying to do (and I'm not even certain what I'm trying to do). Oh well, I volunteered to go first in workshop and I will go forward and submit the story. If I get anything out of this program it's going to be the ability to submit my work and be proud of it. So far, I'm pretty proud with the first two scenes of my story. The ending is a bit trickier, but it'll all come together as it usually does.

So, I had workshop tonight with four new fiction writers. Our group has a nice mixture of old and new faces, which is a good thing I think. It's going to be nice having new faces around, not that I'm sick of the old or anything, it's just nice. Tomorrow I have one more class and then I'm done for the week. I need to set up a writing schedule.

Preparing for the New Semester

School starts in like 12 days and I'm both excited and apprehensive about it. September is not supposed to be a great month for me, according to my horoscope, and yes, I do take the stars seriously. So... we'll see how it goes. It's odd that I likely only have a year of classes left. I could stretch it out through December 2010, if I want, to work on my thesis, but I could be completely done with an MFA by May, if I push it. I doubt that will happen. I've been thinking lately that this has been probably one of the most emotionally draining years of my life. My writing has slowed down to a trickle, compared to what I was producing before I applied for MFA programs. So I guess that's what caused this uncomfortable writing block--MFA application deadlines of December 2007 and January 2008. That's a really long time to not have fun.

Anyway... I'm reading an awesome book right now. I've never seen the movie "Big Fish" adapted from the novel by Daniel Wallace and I only picked up his book "Mr. Sebastian and The Negro Magician" because it had a pretty sweet cover (see right) and the back synopsis sounded cool. Taking such a chance, and literally buying a book for it's cover, I'm happy to say that I'm in love with Wallace's writing style. He has completely captivated me and I'm only about 70 pages in. I even picked up his other novel "Ray in Reverse" today at a used book store. There's something really magical about this book and his writing--puts me in the mood to write, which is a good thing, considering all I've said above.

It's like 90 degrees outside--or 10,000 degrees in my bedroom. I can't stand not having (or using, cause the house I live in has A/C they just don't turn it on until AFTER the house is like 1,000,000 degrees hot) air conditioner. Perhaps I'm spoiled by my Texas ways, where A/C is as important as heating oil. Honestly though... it gets HOT up here. I'm just glad the whole summer isn't like this. I think I can manage a few uncomfortable days, not a whole summer.

To do list before school:

• Prepare "Jesus in a Confederate Flag" for round to submissions
• Prepare "Simple Requests" and possible "Safe Haven" for round one submissions
• Get my eyes checked.
• Buy some good winter boots.
• Write skeletons for two stories (for workshop)
• Plan out 5-6 essays for memoir
• Read, read, read
• Watch as many summer movies as possible
  

First Year Over!

Holy crap... today was my last day of the first year of graduate school. I'm about to go to bed, but I thought that I'd blog and share the happy news. I made it (barely, it seems). I have one more revision to finish up and turn in by next Wednesday, but that should be relatively easy (I hope).

Goals for the summer:

1. Read a lot!
2. Write
3. Work on my thesis (outlining, planning, character development)
4. Work to pay the bills (boooo)
5. Try to relax a bit
6. Post on my blog more.

Slacking

Wow... I've been droppin' the ball in regard to this blog. I need to step it up.

The semester is going ok--very busy. I'm taking a nonfiction memoir course that requires a new essay/memoir out of me every few weeks. I have fiction workshop (first story due in 3 weeks) and Fiction Form and Technique, which I'm currently on the fence about (I'm not big on psychoanalyzing characters). And I work at least 30 hours a week. Throw in weekly social activities/hang-outs and I hardly any time to myself, which is probably why I've spent the entire day in bed watching Jane Austen movies and why I'm slacking on agent query letters. I am the queen of procrastination--sadly. Tomorrow I'll be swamped with work to prepare for workshop. Something's gotta give.

Some of my friends are heading of to Chicago for AWP this week. I'm sure I'm going to be missing out, but I have no money at the moment. I'd better start saving up for next spring's meeting in Colorado.

Cambridge update: I think I have the money to go! My tax refund will help me get a plane ticket and I'll have a little spending money, but I'll likely be broke in London too. I need to fill out the application by March 15 (more procrastination as a result of unreasonable fear). I'm still trying to decide if it's work spending a huge chunk of cash (at least $9 thousand) on a 5-week trip to England this summer. The trip pays for room and board, 2 meals a day, and 2 courses, which I would receive credit for. It's the opportunity of a life time and I probably won't get the chance to go again for a very long time (if ever). My only fear--what to do about Triton (my cat).

No other news to report. I'm completely overwhelmed with work and school.

New Semester

Yay for inauguration day! I was very happy to be cuddled up in bed to watch President Obama take the oath of office.

So... my first class of the second semester starts in a few hours. I have yet to decide if I'm excited for this semester or not. I feel like I'm leaning toward the "not" for some reason. Probably because I didn't write very much during the break like I had planned. Another goal failed. Well... maybe not, I did write ten pages, so that's something. I think I need the pressure of the program to actually work on things. Anyway... one class today and two more classes tomorrow and then my school week is done.

We'll see if my excitement for this semester perks later. Maybe it will if I can sell my stupid grammar books back today.

Summer Plans... hopefully.

So this summer I hope to be studying abroad in England. I'd take two courses, one in novels and one in travel writing (which I hear is pretty terrible, but with my journalism background, perhaps it'll be easy). The only way I can do this is if some money (about $10K) comes through--keep your fingers crossed! I really want to spend the summer away. I never did that as an undergrad and I sorta regret not having the experience. And it's England!! I have this odd feeling that I was from there in a previous life. Or maybe Jane Austen has just seeped herself right into my blood.

Who wouldn't want to study in a place like this: (Cambridge University)



Think good summer-in-England thoughts for me--I should know more by this weekend if this is going to be a possibility at all. It is very likely that if I go--I may never want to come back again (to visit of course, but to live....). Fair advanced warning, I'd say. Cheers!

Fall Weather

I feel like I need to post something here. So here's a picture of the leaves changing colors outside the building where I work and have classes.

Everything else is going the same--still and probably will stay this way for a while. At least the leaves are pretty.

My Place

So... we have this UNH MFA blog for school that I post to on occasion. Our professor asked us to talk about a favorite place (or maybe just any place) of ours. I like what I wrote there so I'm posting it here so I'll have it in the future. I think it's inspired me to write the prologue of a novel for my next workshop class.

"A Ruined Place"

I have just realized, somewhat sadly, that I don’t have a special place of my own. No special childhood camp grounds or vacation spots, no monumental places from adolescence, and nothing that tugs at my heart from the start of adulthood. And I have had no place that feels like home—although New Hampshire is sort of growing on me at this point—so I can’t write about that. All of the places I’ve lived have been have been decided by someone else (with the exception of Dover)—I was born in Nebraska (had no say in the matter) and then was uprooted from familiarity and shoved into the foyer of hell (aka Texas) as a teenager (definitely had no say in the matter).

So, I fully intended not to post on this subject, but then I started daydreaming about all the places that I will get to once I’m rich and famous (next year sometime, I’m sure): China, England, Japan, Russia, Italy, and Africa to name a few. And I’m sure I could write about any of those places in great detail, but I’d rather talk about a place that often pops up when I daydream.

I’ve always been a daydreamer. I think it started sometime after I learned to read (see my comment in Kristina’s post about children’s books), but I can’t be certain. I might have been born daydreaming—maybe it started as I was kicking my little brown legs, staring up at bright florescent lights of the hospital nursery while I waited for someone—anyone—to claim me as their own. Now, I find myself daydreaming whenever I am bored or overwhelmed and need to escape. It only takes an instant to switch over to this dream state—either a lull in a conversation, a topic that’s completely over my head, or one of my father’s lectures, anything can set off my subconscious into imaging crazy scenarios.

Sometimes I’m so lost that I don’t even realize when I’m daydreaming. My little sister, Jennifer, is one of the few people who knows when I’ve been overtaken by thoughts. She sort of looks at me funny and asks me why I’m smiling (fun, exciting, or scandalous daydreams make me smile). I hardly ever explain my daydreams because they’re so fragmented and jumpy or just too damn personal. Jen doesn’t pester me for details either, which I like. And while these daydreams are somewhat automatic and aren’t really sparked by any one thing, there are others that are guided by an image.

Whenever I see pictures (or watch movies) with castle ruins, I am instantly lost in my head. I imagine what it would be like if I stumbled across the ruins of a castle, fortress or old home buried deep in the woods or positioned high upon a cliff. I feel my pace slowing to a crawl and see my sneakers stopping before a stone path that leads up to the shell of a crumbled fortress where plant life has conquered the stones. I feel this heavy push of adrenaline charging through my chest and a cold shivering wash of goose bumps as they rush over my skin. I see devastation of what must have been a powerful structure and somehow I feel safe, as if this is the one and only place that I can let my own walls down.

I see myself moving slowly up the path, stepping deep into the ruins where the walls shoot upward and stop suddenly as if cut off by the sky. Here, in the center of the ruins, I find a rock hugged by moss and other crawling, creeping plant life, and I sit on it. I press my cold hands between my knees and stare at what has become of this place. I imagine how it must have looked hundreds of years ago when these crumbling walls were in their prime. Soon, if I stare hard enough and if my sister isn’t there to ask me what I’m thinking, the walls rebuild, transforming back to their smooth, young surfaces, and I see the people—not their faces or what they’re wearing, just people.

One day after a particularly vivid daydream like this—one that began when I was driving along Highway 510, the back road to our house down in Texas, and saw this little abandoned shed with a sagging roof and aluminum siding rusted through to make gaping holes—Jen asked me what I was thinking and I told her. I reconfirmed my deep desire to go to England or Scotland or Ireland (wherever castles may be) to see them for myself, to find ruins to investigate. She immediately jumped into the dream with me and we talked about what it would be like to be of the nobility—to be princesses, in a sense, walking around in castles. We spent fifteen minutes of our commute discussing what life would be like “way back then.”

Soon, as with all of our discussions, we fell into a silence. I started daydreaming about other places and maybe she thought about rational and smart things—probably something regarding international affairs. And as I drove blindly along the old highway road, somehow managing to avoid massive potholes, dead armadillos, and skunks, Jen turned to me with a sudden thought.

“You know,” she began with a smirk, “if we were to really go back to that time we’d pprrrroooobably be slaves.”

I smiled and glanced away from the road to see her grinning face and laughing eyes. We’d talked about this before, but then we transplanted ourselves into the pages of Pride and Prejudice, twirling and whirling in pretty dresses in some over-stuffed ballroom. That particular time we talked about how fun and romantic it would be—you know, the whole Mr. Darcy thing. Then Ms. Killjoy had to remind me that we’d likely be slaves serving food and dumping pee bowls.

We laughed good and hard at that.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “you’re probably right.”

“Yeah,” She said as she turned her eyes to peer through the bug-laden windshield, “that would suck.”

Soon we were driving in silence again, lost in our respective thoughts. Jen probably thought about terrorism (she was an international studies student at the time) while my mind was still consumed with castle ruins and thoughts of just what type of slave I could be and whether or not I'd be owned by a knight. And, as new thoughts and scenarios filled my mind, I started smiling.

In the Classroom Again

So... I had my first class tonight, English Grammar, which is basically going to prepare me for teaching grammar and becoming a master at it, I'm sure. There are about 30 people in the class, which is a good amount I suppose. I got there a minute or so late (he was going through the class roster, maybe he jumped the gun). I had to walk about six blocks (maybe more) to get there and what greeted me as I walked through the classroom door? A wave of 80-degree, stifling heat. A note to all New Hampshire people: A/C (or fans) are required in the summer! I'm making it a point to sit near open windows. This place is gonna kill me until I get used to the weather.

Anyway, back to grammar... I wasn't really sure how I was going to like the professor. I couldn't understand the first 15 minutes of his lecture because of outside and neighboring noises and the fact that he sorta droned on and on in a monotone voice. Things picked up as we did more class-participation exercises, but still, I wasn't sure. He seems to be fun, as long as he doesn't pick on me. At this point my grammar abilities are remedial (ie: functional) at best. I know what's right (most of the time) but now why it's right.

Random thoughts from the first day of class:

• Parking isn't that bad... as long as I can bypass downtown traffic and leave work/home about 30 minutes before class. We'll see how the weather changes things.


• The classroom was too hot. (Repetitive, I know.)


• Four college text books = $120.


• I hate not being able to pick out my own textbooks. I went downtown to pick them up after class, and the guy behind the counter just handed me a stack of books. Two of my used copies were "heavily" used with writing and highlighting all over them. Other peoples' notes and doodles completely distract me. I like pristine book pages. I don't want to be influenced by others. Highly annoyed, but will manage.


• All college campuses (read: undergrads) look the same no matter where you are in the country. I swear I thought I was in Texas for the amount of tanned, bleach blond girls I saw running around (yes actually running).


• I decided to read grammar over watching Greek on ABC family--I deserve MAJOR kudos people. That show is too cute and I really want to watch it.

That's about all for now. Will post about my D.C. trip tomorrow probably.

Orientations

So, it's been a busy week. And I like it! It's so nice to be doing something most days. Something that doesn't revolve around shopping, although... I have managed to spend money at least once a day. I can't help myself. It's an addiction, I openly admit it. Or perhaps that is just the American way. So... on Tuesday I had orientation to the English Department--typical get-acquainted-with-your-new-school stuff, but it was great in that I got to meet the eleven people that I'll be studying with. Although, I did only meet a handful of them that first day. Anyway, we met our professors and sorta did a round robin and introduced ourselves to one another. So far people are pretty "chill" as they say up here. However, I'm still in the observation phase, which I've realized I do with most people. I watch them. Not stalker like or anything, but I'm pretty observant of how they are with other people and how they act in general. I try to read between the lines and what not. You learn a lot about a person by just watching them. I wonder what people pick up off me. Or maybe I'm just mysterious and have everyone's minds boggled. I try to be friendly to everyone.

Anyway, the second orientation was for my job with the Writing Center, which I'll do about eight hours a week, unless I cut Wednesday nights, which I might end up doing. We talked about going out after class, to a bar or something for a drink, and I won't be able to do that if I need to run to work from 6-8 or however long it was. So, I'm still going to think about it. We'll see. This orientation was good and new for me, since I've never worked at a writing center. I'm looking forward to working with students one-on-one--I enjoy doing that.

After orientation we headed "downtown" which is like two-three blocks away from the building where I'll have most of my classes (and consists of a small block-long strip of restaurants and pubs) and had a drink and just got to know each other better. We stayed for a while actually, but it was really nice. I'm not much of a drinker (never have been) and told one of the girls that I'd probably end up an alckie by the end of the program. I know, I know... I don't have to drink when I go out, but... :). I'll be driving most of the time anyway so I don't think it'll be much of a problem.

I had an interview yesterday for the online writing program and I really hope that I get a few hours with them. It sounds like good fun (and a lot of work, so we'll see). I also received a call to see if I was interested in working a few hours at the library (turned them down) and an email about a full-time editing position at this placed called Measured Progress. I don't know what I'm going to do about that yet though. I don't think I want a full-time (ie: real) job. I like having lots of little things all over the place. It would be nice not to work at all, but then I'd probably go crazy. So... yeah, not sure what to do about that. All I know is that I'm ready for school to start. I'm ready... ready, ready, ready.

Nostalgic moment: I popped in one of my old Yanni CDs a second ago. Wow... memories.

I need to go to bed now. I get up in 4 hours to fly to D.C. to see my sister! :) Exciting. So... no posts for a few days, but loads of updates after I go to D.C. and see the best exhibit ever at the Smithsonian Institution! I know... I know... childhood will never escape me.