Saturday, March 23, 2013

Too Big

Today, while at Old Navy with my sister, I decided to try on the light-weight jacket that she was purchasing to see if I liked it. I immediately grabbed the XXL thinking that I'd need it to fit over my arms (Michelle Obama arms I have not). However, the XXL was like a tent on me! I tried on the next size down and it was a good fit. I might have even been able to get into a L, but I didn't push it. There was a time not too long ago when I couldn't even buy XXL at Old Navy because it wouldn't fit. Lane Bryant was always my go-to place... and now I don't fit into their smallest tops. I do feel like the sizes at Old Navy are a little off. At the same time, is this thinking valid? Maybe what I should be thinking is "Hooray, all this work is paying off!" That would be the healthier attitude to have, I think. Instead, my go to was "Umm, their sizes run a little big. Sister, can you go get this in a large for me?"

Side note: Vanity sizes suck when you're actively trying to lose weight and want to base your progress not so much on the scale, but on how clothes fit. How can you do this when a size 16 is actually an 18 in another store? I guess I should take my measurements more often.

I've been on a weight-loss journey since November 2011. In that time I've lost almost 40 pounds. For the most part the scale has dropped steadily (and slowly). My average for a long time was 2 lbs a month. Some months I got up to 4lbs. Christmas hit and I probably gained 3-4 lbs and had to lose it back again. In January 2013 I started Weight Watchers and have lost 10 lbs since (about 1 lb a week). I was hesitant to pay for a program, but I needed to do something to get myself back on track after Christmas. I spent the first year of my journey making the gym a part of my normal schedule. It took an entire year to make that a habit. This year, I'm focusing on food. And considering that before WW it took me at least 5 months to lose what I have in 3, I suppose the program is paying off.

No, I know it is. I am no longer morbidly obese. That's a big deal. Yay for obesity!

I'm also excited about the possibilities in fashion that are opening up to me. Today, I bought a dress. A dress! I don't know that I'll ever wear it, but dresses have never been a part of my wardrobe. As of today, I own two. I wonder how many I'll have (and will wear) by the end of the summer.

I don't usually talk about my weight with anyone.... It's taken me too many years of my life to realize that my weight is no one's damn business. I'm still trying to get this mantra to stick. But I feel like I need to start acknowledging my progress in this weight loss journey. I need to be prouder of it and myself and not think: "Well, I still have a LONG way to go." In the last 16 months, I've broken through some incredible cycles some 20 years in the making: (1) sticking with healthy eating/gym even when I don't see the results that I think I "should" see after 3 months, and (2) breaking past 218 lbs (for some reason that number was a barrier for me--an "I quit" roadblock). These are huge personal accomplishments. I should celebrate them. I think? It's still a little hard to get positive feedback when it comes to my weight. I hear "You're doing great!!" and think sometimes "What's wrong with me?" I suppose this can be my new barrier to shatter.

I am still a work in progress. This girl is under constructionnnnnnnn (sang to the melody of Alicia Keys' "This Girl is on Fire").

Do I sometimes feel like Jabba the Hut's little sister Tanya the Hut... yes. But there are also days when I realize that I'm moving around faster, sleeping better, and craving healthier foods.

These are good days.


Sammy YellowEyed said...

I think you're incredibly brave.

You might hate your weight but at least you're doing something about it, and sensibly too.

I refuse to step on a scale anymore, since highschool, because I know the number is just going to depress me, and then I'll go on another binge eating month.

I try to exercise. One day in 6 months if that and the horrible leg pains, the out of breath feeling is enough to put me off for another 6 months.

I can dream about being slim, but I haven't been able to do it.

A massive well done and congrats to you.

Tanya said...

Thank you Sammy! I completely understand what you mean about putting things off. I've done that for YEARS. I feel like you have to be in the right mindset to do it and to stick with it. Do I wish that happened for me in my teens or 20s, yes, ma'am! But it didn't... it's harder when you get older, but I just have to keep the course and know that the end result will come--just really, really, really slowly. Thanks for leaving me a message :)


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