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| Not sure who this is, but this is how I feel. |
It seems like such an inconsequential thing to obsess over, but I do. From the 30-year love-hate relationship with the nest of curls on my head to this odd silver arm hair that grows 4 times the length of its sister hairs, to the 1-2 visible (and quickly plucked) hairs on my chest. (The very ones that make me throw back my head wailing "I'M A MAN!") To the hair on my toes and face. To my overgrown eyebrows (I can't keep up with those caterpillars; I do keep the unibrow in check). To the fact that I must have a super hair-growing gene. To the fact that once a month my bathtub clogs after I shave my legs.
Ooo... too much?
Yeah, too much.
[The bathtub thing was hyperbole, in case you thought I was semi-serious.]
At any rate, I am very aware of my hair. From what it's not doing to frustration because its never doing what it's "supposed to do" (you know, lie sleek and flat against my head, and it should, shouldn't it? Where are the 50% white genes in me?!). I just want manageable hair. The funny thing is that for the majority of my life (beginning at like 8?) I relaxed my hair (chemical straightener) to tame the wild. About three years ago I stopped (it was too expensive and I was curious about my natural hair). Now it's all natural: a semi-tight curl with loads and loads of volume. I have enough hair for twenty people. Because there's so much, I pull it back all the time. Even now, I don't know what to do with it or how to take care of it. I switch hair products every few months. It does look good when it's down, but I'm always patting at it, wondering: Is it to big? My hair draws attention. I don't like such attention. At the same time, when I pull it back I feel like a man. Multiply this by the fact that I often have unwanted facial hair and you probably have the prime reason why I'm not approached by men. They probably see me as one of the brethren (I have been called "sir" to my face and I don't think it's my authoritative personality, ha!). Or maybe I'm not approached because I morph into Samuel L. Jackson a la "Coming to America" 'bout ready to blow someone away if they get to close.
I'm not sure where this obsession with hair came from. Hairless Barbies, most likely. Countless ads for Venus razors? (I bought one--they really are top of the line.) I wish I wasn't so obsessed with hair. Even more so, I wish I could stop focusing on my man face.
For the past few weeks I've been contemplating wearing makeup. I stopped wearing it a while ago (except for special occasions). Here are a few reasons: (1) I'm lazy and don't want to put in the effort; (2) I like the idea of being wanted and/or desired for the "real" me sans makeup, Spanx, and other beauty paraphernalia that is supposed to make me aggreable to men; and (3) being darker skinned, the stuff smears all over everything. I remember being so hesitant to hug people without leaving a brown cheek print behind. I'm only thinking about it now because I've been feeling quite manish of late.
Like man troll manish.
I wake up and hobble into the bathroom and find a man standing in the mirror. That man is me, and she is not sexy. And as I stare at my manflection I think: maybe a little make up will make this hombre prettier? And that man shakes her head and I head out the door with my hair pulled back and a pair of girly earrings in my ears.
So I am in limbo. Tomorrow, maybe I will wear makeup. Or maybe I'll quit thinking of myself as a hairy man troll. Positive thinking is supposed to be sexy, right? Meh. It's just been one of those days (ie, years).
I'm pretty sure my birth father (or mother) was part Sasquatch. Curse my little brown hairy body.
6 comments:
Okay, I shouldn't laugh but LMAO, that was quite the rant. I think a lot of women are obsessed with hair, it's just something you get more obsessed with when you have no idea what to do with what you have.
So I know this was just do you to get it off of your chest but I figure I'll put my two cents in anyway.
[And from the two pics I've seen on this blog and the other one I don't think you have a man face, lol, maybe your default expression is pissed off/unapproachable?]
Honestly, when it comes to the makeup thing, eyeliner/mascara and making sure your eyebrows are on point will help a lot.
Seriously, if your eyebrows are perfect it will cut about half of the feeling like a man thing. You might have to find an eyebrow place that'll do it[I'd go to an Indian place and get it threaded, they are really good about not over doing it, at least the ones I've gone too] and then just do regular maintenance until it gets out of control again and you have visit again.
I don't like makeup all that much either, but mascara/eyeliner with lipgloss/tinted lip balm aren't that high maintenance and they don't 'hide' the true you.
Hair wise, I'm still permed but my sister is going natural and she has a legit afro and once you just accept it you can ignore the looks. Of course, she also wears sister braids/twists so maybe that's something you can look into?
I actually love the big hair look when it's properly maintained but I understand the not wanting to stand out part as well. But at the same time, I say own it. I know when I see people with that hair I get hit with massive jealousy, lol, because I have tight curls naturally and my face is super round, so it is not a good look for me, lmao.
Youtube natural hair if you have to because they have some of the best styles, if you want I can email you some links to a bunch of natural hair sites/videos with styles that are feminine, shouldn't take too long and they're not just pulling your hair back into one.
And have you considered just painting your nails as well? I have a friend who hit a rough patch [she gained quite a bit of weight and she's 5'11 so she stands out quite a bit and people in her family like to comment] so she makes a point to always paint her nails sometime during the weekend because it's pretty and girly and to wear girly earrings. I suggest doing this while watching one of your shows though otherwise it might feel like it's taking a lot of time, lol.
Haha! I'm glad you laughed. I laughed a little too when I was writing it. The Samuel L. Jackson photo particularly makes me laugh for some reason, probably cause it's true.
But yeah, I have a place where I go for my eyebrows (I just can't be bothered half the time to go). My nails are currently painted. I am obsessive when it comes to my nails, especially if polish begins to chip or peel. I go to town picking it all off. But I think I just found a good base/top coat to make the polish last more than a day.
Go ahead an email me those links and I'll take a look. I have a feeling that they're going to tell me to put my hair in small sections to apply product. I don't have time for that. haha.
Okay, so I'm lazy. That's the main problem. :)
My sister just said: "In public, you don't play." (basically that I'm not approachable). It was funny, I can't give it justice here.
"In public, you don't play." LOL, so yeah, that's probably why you don't get approached. I know people who look permanently happy but my face doesn't do that, lol.
and LOL, I should have links that are just about basic styling because I can't do that individual part thing either.
I lose half my Saturday when I decide to straighten my hair, actually doing the parts thing would have me out of commission all weekend.
Hi. I have natural hair too. I'm learning to take care of it. Most of the time I love it. I'm all for a simple regimen though, so no dividing into sections for me. If you want some really good natural hair advice, go to curlynikki.com or naturallycurly.com.
I hope it helps you. As far as products go... oh my gosh, I have went through so many, but I've finally found some that work. I like to stick to ones that have natural products and are lightweight.
By the way, I think you're beautiful. I'm (secretly) obsessed with hair too... to the point I think it's unhealthy. Ah well....
Thanks for the websites! I'm all about simplicity too, which is why I wear my hair in a bun most of the time. Except I'm about to cut it short again (to keep myself from doing that). I haven't tried natural products in my hair, but maybe I should. I'm glad that I'm not alone in my hair obsession... it does get bad sometimes! :)
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