Too Big

Today, while at Old Navy with my sister, I decided to try on the light-weight jacket that she was purchasing to see if I liked it. I immediately grabbed the XXL thinking that I'd need it to fit over my arms (Michelle Obama arms I have not). However, the XXL was like a tent on me! I tried on the next size down and it was a good fit. I might have even been able to get into a L, but I didn't push it. There was a time not too long ago when I couldn't even buy XXL at Old Navy because it wouldn't fit. Lane Bryant was always my go-to place... and now I don't fit into their smallest tops. I do feel like the sizes at Old Navy are a little off. At the same time, is this thinking valid? Maybe what I should be thinking is "Hooray, all this work is paying off!" That would be the healthier attitude to have, I think. Instead, my go to was "Umm, their sizes run a little big. Sister, can you go get this in a large for me?"

Side note: Vanity sizes suck when you're actively trying to lose weight and want to base your progress not so much on the scale, but on how clothes fit. How can you do this when a size 16 is actually an 18 in another store? I guess I should take my measurements more often.

I've been on a weight-loss journey since November 2011. In that time I've lost almost 40 pounds. For the most part the scale has dropped steadily (and slowly). My average for a long time was 2 lbs a month. Some months I got up to 4lbs. Christmas hit and I probably gained 3-4 lbs and had to lose it back again. In January 2013 I started Weight Watchers and have lost 10 lbs since (about 1 lb a week). I was hesitant to pay for a program, but I needed to do something to get myself back on track after Christmas. I spent the first year of my journey making the gym a part of my normal schedule. It took an entire year to make that a habit. This year, I'm focusing on food. And considering that before WW it took me at least 5 months to lose what I have in 3, I suppose the program is paying off.

No, I know it is. I am no longer morbidly obese. That's a big deal. Yay for obesity!

I'm also excited about the possibilities in fashion that are opening up to me. Today, I bought a dress. A dress! I don't know that I'll ever wear it, but dresses have never been a part of my wardrobe. As of today, I own two. I wonder how many I'll have (and will wear) by the end of the summer.

I don't usually talk about my weight with anyone.... It's taken me too many years of my life to realize that my weight is no one's damn business. I'm still trying to get this mantra to stick. But I feel like I need to start acknowledging my progress in this weight loss journey. I need to be prouder of it and myself and not think: "Well, I still have a LONG way to go." In the last 16 months, I've broken through some incredible cycles some 20 years in the making: (1) sticking with healthy eating/gym even when I don't see the results that I think I "should" see after 3 months, and (2) breaking past 218 lbs (for some reason that number was a barrier for me--an "I quit" roadblock). These are huge personal accomplishments. I should celebrate them. I think? It's still a little hard to get positive feedback when it comes to my weight. I hear "You're doing great!!" and think sometimes "What's wrong with me?" I suppose this can be my new barrier to shatter.

I am still a work in progress. This girl is under constructionnnnnnnn (sang to the melody of Alicia Keys' "This Girl is on Fire").

Do I sometimes feel like Jabba the Hut's little sister Tanya the Hut... yes. But there are also days when I realize that I'm moving around faster, sleeping better, and craving healthier foods.

These are good days.

Grandpa Joe

I have decided that Grandpa Joe was likely going to the gym on the down low in those 20 years he spent in bed. The man would have had atrophy in those legs otherwise.... Perhaps the moral here is that an exciting trip to the chocolate factory can get you to do damn near anything.

Just a thought.

Better... not great

I'm feeling better about this week so far. I think I needed a nice lazy weekend to reboot. Did a little shopping, finished my first edit of my fourth novel, and caught up on sleep (the time change killed me last week). That, combined with the ability to clear up some things at work yesterday, makes me feel like I'm slowly getting back on track. Still, I've been (and probably am being) misrepresented to my superiors (and likely others) and that really bothers me. But... I can't control what other people might say about me. I can only prove myself through my own actions. So, while it's not an ideal work situation, it is what it is. Ahhh learning experiences!

Also, I think "The Hobbit" came out on DVD today... so, my week just got even better, Precious.

Learning Experiences

I'm glad it's Friday. I hope today caps off what's been a long, strange, slightly depressing week.

This afternoon, I got my first real dose of what I'll call "office politics." The ramifications of today's happenings have yet to come to fruition. I'll probably have a better idea next week. So, at the moment I'm not freaking out about what "might" happen. I'm actually surprised that I wasn't more shocked by it all. Maybe my response is delayed? We'll see.... I've been a little spoiled in my professional career in that I've been so fortunate to love what I do and who I work with. I haven't had to deal with many difficult personalities. So, I'm grateful for what I'm experiencing now. Everything's a learning experience. As a people watcher (and a writer), I like understanding why people do what they do. However, when their actions directly affect me (a bystander) negatively, I'm going to have a big problem with that.

So, we'll see what next week brings.

I'm also in search of new music to listen to in my car. I've had the new Mumford and Son's CD playing since I first discovered them in September 2012. So, that's almost six months of listening to the same CD (with intermittent radio time woven in too). I'm not sure if I should worry about this or not. Listening to the same CD for six months: complacency? Loyalty... I'm not sure, but the music is incredible and I find it soothing. It's a good way to start and end the word day, I suppose.

Here's "Lover of the Light" off "Babel":

I guess I'll keep listening until I find something just as good.

And laughter returns...

So, last night I was feeling a little out of sorts with the world. And then my sister and I made avatars of ourselves through a facebook app (bitstrips.com). I never download apps on facebook and I don't have a fancy phone, so I don't do apps in general. I gotta say though--this one is amazing. Sister and I spent about 2 hours laughing hysterically at all the made up situations that we could put ourselves in. Such as:

I laughed so hard my throat hurt. I almost popped a vein or something. I haven't laughed liked that in a while, and it felt REALLY good. I gotta say, my mood was much better today. What's funny about these pictures is the moment of hesitation that I felt at the idea that I would appear in something so tight fitting in such a public place! Literally, my thought was "Oh my god, people are going to see me practically naked! I can't post that!" Obviously, that is not really me--but it is a representation of sorts. Even in cartoons I'm a tad bit self cautious. The only comfort I feel is that Sister didn't want to appear in her cartoon underwear either. :)

Just thinking about these today made me smile. They also made my mom laugh... and that makes me smile too.

Life

Courtesy of Bitstrips.com. This is my avatar. I'm dramatic.

I am entering a time of uncertainty, and because I'm not sure what the future holds, I feel "blah" about everything. I wouldn't call myself a planner, but I do like to have a plan. Or at least a goal to work toward? For example, I wasn't happy with where I was right out of my first master's degree, so I moved across the country and earned an MFA. That gave me a plan for about 2.5 years. Then I needed a new plan: so, I moved to Maryland to live with my sister while her husband was deployed to Korea and then Afghanistan. This too gave me a tentative plan, which I'd hoped to make more permanent (that really hasn't come to fruition). Now, C is coming back home for good in about 7 months and I feel myself needing a new plan. Or an alternative plan....

I'm a little sick of planning, to be honest, but at the moment I'm floating. I don't have a whole lot to root me here. I feel jealous of people who are settled. Who have good family and friend circles around them. So, I guess it's time to get out of my comfort zone and get out there and meet people. S and J suggest OK Cupid, but this idea gives me hives. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few months and give that site a go? Or maybe I'll sign up for another tennis class instead--that seems safer.

I don't like uncertainty. So, I need to find a way to pull what feels out of my control back into my control. And in doing so, return to my normal state of optimism.

In less, melodramatic news, I'm actually looking forward to warmer weather! Not hot. I hate humidity, so I'm not asking summer to hurry up and get here, but a few 65-70 degree days (aka, Tanya weather) would be very welcome. Of course, working inside all day won't really help me enjoy said weather. Maybe I need to start forcing myself to take my 30 minute paid break every day. It's been a few months since I've done that. Not because I'm a workaholic or anything, I just... forget. Plus, there's not really a nice place to sit outside the building (that's not occupied by smokers). So, there's that conundrum as well.

Also, my books are actually selling on Nook and Amazon. The first book has to have over 3000 downloads (free) now and I think I've sold at least 300 of the other two books combined. That kinda blows my mind a little. It's exciting and I hope it means that I'm doing what I set out to with e-publishing: building a readership. I guess only time will tell.

For now, I'll continue with my motto: One day at a time.

Tatiana Moore

So... I post more on my other blog: tatianamoore07.blogspot.com.

I always go back and forth with whether or not I should close this blog down. I guess I'll just leave it up even if it is inactive.

My cat is intently staring at the wall. It is disturbing.