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Hello. It's been a while.

I've decided that I need an outlet (other than the other, and sometimes better, me) where I can be random, rant, philosophize (yea, right), and just... blog, I guess.

I started this blog when I was doing my MFA, and now that it's over, I feel like I want to use it for other things too.

Such as writing about:

1. My journey to a healthier me (aka, when will I ever reach the top of this ginormous mountain).

2. Writing (cause lets face it, that's all I do and all that I am).

3. Monkeys. Duh. Please see "Chimpanzee" this week. It looks amazing.

4. Daily ponderings, such as:

• Why does my coworker chew with her mouth open? And why do I want to kill myself around noon each day? I may become deaf soon (it takes a lot of volume on my headphones to drown out all that smacking).
  
• Why does this girl at the gym wash her hands before peeing? And why does she then proceed to take a paper towel that she's dried her hands on into the stall? And WHY does she use that same paper towel to turn on the faucet? I'm not sure how she's protecting herself, but she's making the rest of us sick.
• Why am I so intimidated by long books when I write long books? Seems a little hypocritical.
• What are those two huge birds on top of the light pole watching us all drive by, bald eagles? No, probably crows. Huge crows. And what are they thinking? Just shootin' the shit, I suspect.

And I'm sure there are more, but those are just a few. I'm usually so bad about blogging. Maybe I'll be better at it this time. I should have things to talk about all the time considering the amount of nonsense that filters through my brain every day. We shall see.

Cat, Lion, Inspiration

I spent my Easter on the couch watching movies. I don't know a lot of people in Maryland yet and all of my family is in Omaha (I was jealous of the big family dinner my mom was throwing), so I decided to veg out with my cat. All of the movies I watched were inspirational in some kind of way and I felt like maybe I should blog about them (in order to have a bit more frequent posting on my blog).

First: "The Secret"
It's a documentary about "The Secret" to success, happiness, love, wealth, etc. Basically the "Law of Attraction" or you could consider it the art of positive thinking. This documentary struck a chord with me because I can have incredibly negative thoughts about myself, and I've noticed lately that I'm going no where fast. So, I've decided to start projecting happiness. Meditating on what I want so that it will come to me (in some form) in the future. I suppose this is all very New Age-y, but I'm down.

Second: "The White Lion"
This was a movie that I came across on Netflix and was like "sure why not." I mean who doesn't like Lion King-esque movies that take place in Africa? The movie opens up with this old man telling children the story of the sacred white lion. How it was shot reminds me a lot of "Meerkat Manor." There's a lot of animals doing what they do (although part of me wondered if any of the animals were trained) and then the movie's scripted around it (which is just my guess). What I loved most about this movie was that my cat was watching it too. How cute is that? He was sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch staring up at the TV as the big cats romped around. I love it when he watches TV and actually seems interested in what's happening. And when there are other cats on the screen I feel a little sad that he doesn't have a friend. He has to watch his people on TV. Sad. But I don't want another cat so he'll have to settle with me being part of his little lion pride.

Third: "The Land Before Time"
Remember this movie?!? I decided to watch it for nostalgic reasons--my siblings and I loved this movie. And, I cried my eyes out when his mother died. I realized that this is a good movie to explain death to kids. Of course I don't really recommend popping in a DVD after the death of a parent and expect that to be enough. At any rate... the movie was as good as I remember and that always makes me happy. What blows is when you go back as an adult and watch some of the kid TV/movies that you were into (ie: Full House) and realize how utterly horrible it all is. Yep, yepyep, yep, yep!

Fourth: "God Grew Tired of Us"
Oh wow, I highly recommend this to ALL people. It's a documentary about the Lost Boys of the Sudan. It follows three young men who come to America as refugees and talks about the story of them fleeing persecution in southern Sudan (they walked to Ethiopia and then the walked to Kenya). The biggest thing for me with this movie is realizing how much I take for granted. It was fascinating watching them learn about electricity and running water, and their observations of Americans was kind of disturbing/sad. Anyway, this was a really excellent documentary. Everyone should watch it.

Fifth: "Eat, Pray, Love"
I haven't read the book and I didn't see what was so horrible about the movie. I do want to read the book, I think. There are some good messages in there about living and loving and existing. Knowing who you are. It did make me want to travel. What I would give for that kind of freedom. To say: "hey, I'm outta here for a year to find myself, peace out."

I think it's true what Chris Rock says about wealth: "Wealth is not about being rich, it's about having options."

I want some options.

Sometimes I think I've been ruined by the MFA

So, a little tête-à-tête of rambling for today:

I feel like the MFA is still caught up in my brain. Like I have little professors and peers whispering and scolding: you should be reading this or that, not this or that. Today I went to Barnes and Noble to buy Aimee Bender's novel "The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake" (I had a coupon), and since the purchase, I've been asking myself why I bought it. Don't get me wrong, Bender's a great writer (or so I'm told), but I probably wouldn't have known about her or felt any desire at all to purchase her novel had it not been for someone in my MFA program (a professor or student, doesn't really matter who) to sit up and say: "Hey, you should be reading her."

Why? Why should I be reading her? Because she's "literary"? Because she's got mad diction skillz?

And then, with Bender novel in hand, I found myself in fiction anthologies looking at the O'Henry and Pushcart collections for this year, thinking to myself "I really should start reading/writing short stories again."

WHY?!?! What should I be reading/writing short stories?

I don't really like short stories (I mean they're fine and yes I'm trying to get some published, but I don't really care about them). I like novels. I am a novelist, not a short story writer. And still, I'm thumbing through a few of the Pushcart stories, reading opening paragraphs, wondering if I should buy these too because I really should keep up to date with what's happening in the short story world.

Ugh, really?

And then I think about my current project (a supernatural YA novel) and how I'm constantly questioning my decision to use a pen name instead of my real name when/if I'm actually successful and get it published. (I'm about to make a strong attempt to reach out to agents soon.) Here's what I think to myself: "Well, you might want to get serious one day, so you'd better use a pen name." And THEN I think: "Who the hell said you're not 100% serious with this totally awesome (cause it is) supernatural YA novel? Use your real name on this and a fake name on anything 'serious' (aka: literary)." Then my conscience is like: "But Tanya, you really should use your name on serious novels."

I'm so messed up in my head. The MFA program made me ashamed of myself in a way. I don't like that. It frustrates me beyond measure that I'm not 100% comfortable talking about or showing my YA stuff to my MFA peers.

My friends.

I wonder when I'll feel comfortable enough to share my alter ego (aka: real self) with more people. I guess four months post graduation is not enough time to really heal from something as mind blowing as an Master of Fine Arts program.

To Submit or Not to Submit

I never did get a delicious cinnamon chip muffin but did make some low-fat oatmeal ones that were pretty tasty. Too bad I lost the recipe.

Anyway, I attended this year's AWP Conference in D.C. It was my first time going and I have to say that I was overall pleased with it. It's a pretty lonely conference though. There are so many panels to go to that obviously you're not going to want to go to the same ones as your friends. My goals for this conference was to get as much information on publishing/editing/agents/query letters as I could. I also attended a few "Writing for YA" themed panels (one was better than the other). So, I learned a great deal.

I also realized that I should probably still be sending my short stories out to journals. The rejection letters had piled up (around 50 or so) and I was like "eh, no more submitting for a little while" <-- just to get my barrings back. But the great thing about the conference was the bookfair and learning about so many journals that I could (and probably should) submit to. So, I guess I need to start up a new submission stack. Hopefully they'll all be free online submissions (since I'm still unemployed and short on cash). I guess the first step is to develop a list and then consider which stories to send out. Such a headache, but if I want to go anywhere with my writing it's exactly what I should do.

Other random tidbits:

• I'm reading tons of YA fiction at the moment, but I'm about to read "Wench" by Dolen Perkins-Valdez. It's probably time for some adult reading.
• I finished my YA novel and it ended up being 413 pages. Now, as I put my hand-edits into the computer it's 492 (and I'm only halfway through). I know that the ending will pack on several additional pages because I rushed through the ending (I was excited to be done with it). This process is incredibly rewarding and I feel like I'm going to have a strong novel in the end. Still there's a lot to do by March (that's my goal to have all editing done so I can send it to a few readers).
  
• There's something about unemployment that's fueled me to get this project done quickly. I just hope that I'm not rushing to the point of detriment. All I've ever wanted was to write novels and be successful at it. It's scary that I'm getting to the point of actually pursuing this dream (and the humongous reality that it may not happen).
  
• Today is Valentine's Day, but it feels just like a normal day to me. I remember a time in my life when it was super depressing not to be in a steady relationship on this day. I'm cool today (as long as I stay away from flower shops and the grocery store) although I may watch "He's Just Not That Into You" later. I've never seen that movie.
• Speaking of movies... I watched "The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time" this weekend. My rating: C. It was entertaining, but... I don't know if I can get on board with Jake Gyllenhaal in an action role.
  

Anyway, that's my update for now.

Happy Valentine's day to all. :)

All I want....

... is this cinnamon chip muffin....


This is the worst kind of craving to have when you're trying to eat right. Still... me want!

Coming to an end

So, I'm finally full-speed ahead with my final thesis revisions. I took a few months off while waiting to get all the comments back from my professors. The edits are going well. I was told that they weren't expecting many revisions from the first draft to the final, but I'm crankin' them out. I don't really want to look at this thing ever again--I feel like I say that a lot, but it's true. When I turn the manuscript in for binding, I'm done with it. At least for a while. I just get impatient, that's all. I want to work on new things all the time (sometimes to the detriment of the finished piece as it's never touched again). Most of my writing ends with the first completed draft. Writing and revising the thesis is great practice for me. Hopefully I'll be able to continue this with other works and actually get something to a presentable state.

My reading has also been schedule for the second week in December. I was really apprehensive and nervous about this, but I'm trying to relax a bit. I tell myself "it'll only be 20 minutes of your life" and try to focus on something else. It's worked so far, my stress level is down a bit. Just a bit. I'm sure it'll sky rocket the day of.

I need to get better about posting more regularly, but blogging has taken a back seat. It's different not being in school. I feel like I don't have much to say. Who else is looking forward to the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 release? I am! I bet I'll feel a little depressed after Part 2, just like I was after reading the seventh book. I am glad that she's not going to write any more Harry Potter books. It's time for her to bring forth something new. But that's TONS or pressure--how can she live up to Harry?

OH WAIT... I do have something else to add. The job market really does suck. It's only been about 3.5 months since I moved to Maryland and I still haven't found work. Not even part-time, retail things. It's very stressful. My credit is about to take a major hit. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it's difficult at this point. Too many rejection letters from potential employers and too many form letters from literary journals. When's my break gonna come?!?!

Returning to the Thesis

Soon--once I get comments from the last professor on my committee--I will pick up my thesis again and start revising based on their suggestions. Part of me just wants to leave it where it stands and never look at it again. Not because I'm unhappy with it, but because I've moved on. I don't want to be like the song that never ends. I don't want to pick at these stories for years and years to come. Stories get old to me after a while and I feel desperate to work on something new. I figure if no one wants them then they won't be published. And so far... I've only received form rejection letters on what I've been told is my strongest story. After all responses are in from outstanding submission, I think I'm done with literary journals for a while. I need to expand my horizon and look for other appropriate places--I'm not sure that lit journals are for me. Or, like the job market, competition is just too high. The only problem is that I wouldn't know where to begin looking for alternate sources.

I'm 230 pages into my new project--that's 78,751 words to date and I haven't started working on it yet today. Some days I write over ten pages and other days I get in just one. At least I'm still meeting my goal of writing a page a day. I wish the same could be said for my goals to get a little exercise each morning. Bah. One goal at a time, maybe. :)

My sister and I are going to see "Red" this weekend. I used to go to movies all the time, but now that I literally have NO spare spending money, I have to really pick and choose what looks good to me. Part of me really wants to see "The Social Network" because it's written by Aaron Sorkin, who I think is one of the better screen/TV writers out there. Hello, he's the creator of "West Wing"! Though, I recently learned that he was on cocaine while writing most of that show because he thought he needed the drug for the creative process. I'm glad that he's overcome that. He really is an excellent writer. I'm also planning on buying "How to Train Your Dragon" because it was the BEST movie from the spring. So good. I'll have to dig into my piggy bank to do it, but it'll be worth it to have that one in my collection.

I also recently went apple picking and made homemade applesauce. Cobbler is my next venture with the apples. I felt very "home on the prairie" at the farm. Farms are great. I think I was a farmer in another life. Or maybe it's just my Nebraska roots coming through.

Okay, enough randomness. Cheers.

New Projects... looming thesis reading

I've written 98 pages to a new novel and I'm still going strong. Yay! It feel like AGES since I've written like this and I'm just enjoying every afternoon that I sit down and write. I feel about 95% back to normal. I still feel like my MFA degree may have killed 5% percent of my desire to write while making me a better writer in the process. I'm not sure how that works, that's just how I feel. I'll keep plugging away though--it would be amazing to have a draft of a new novel done by Christmas. Of course it would be an incredibly ROUGH draft, but still a draft. So, there's that.

For the past two nights I've been dreaming about school. The first night it was a semi-nightmare about being unprepared for my upcoming (and first ever) reading. I do not want to do this. I really don't. The dream gave me more anxiety about it all. Last night it was more about MFA student drama. It's like I've immersed myself in the rumors that have reached me in Maryland. Oh the drama. I wonder what tonight has in store for me. Hopefully no more dreams about my reading--maybe something will happen and they'll give me my diploma without that mandatory step. Such foolishness. I don't even know how to prepare for such things.

I have comments from two of my faculty members and so far things have been more positive than negative. I feel like they're being truly honest with me too, which I'm very happy about. My final comments should reach me by next week (hopefully) and then I'll have to take a brief hiatus from my new project. Or just split my days up so half is to old work and half is to new. Lord knows I'm not working at present and have all the time in the world, plus no money. It's a win-lose situation.

First Steps

My birthday was a few days ago and I made a goal for the year to write at least one page everyday. I have yet to do that and we're three days into this new year for me--so I guess I owe myself three pages. When did starting a new project become so difficult? Oh well, here's to first steps.

Thesis Update

So, I received comments from one of my committee members a few days ago. Overall, I'd say that the outcome was positive. She says four of the eleven stories need more work. Sadly, two of the four were the new stories that I wrote this summer and was feeling pretty positive about. However, I'm not deterred. Unlike the rest in the collection, they do need to sit for a while and I need to re-approach them (and wait to hear feedback from my other two committee members).

I filed my intent to graduate form today and sent a picture in for this graduate student bulletin board that they're putting together--both of these things were awkward for me. The first, because I can't believe I'm graduating with an MFA (and will soon have to read in front of people--I'm not looking forward to that); and the second, I'm not even in New Hampshire anymore. I'm 500 miles away from campus. I don't see people and I certainly don't feel like I'm in school right now. I'm in the "real world" suffering because I don't have a job and don't have money coming in (though I seem to be spending it left and right--hello more debt). Life is difficult right now. Whoa is me. Oh well. Maybe I'll get published soon (just sent out another round of submissions)... and maybe not. Uncertainty makes me insane.

Zooooooooooom

So, I am official. Well... I'm official for a month, but I have all of the documentation I need to get registration stickers on my car. I'm going to wait though--I paid $20 for a temporary sticker that I didn't even need (was told it was needed in order to get an inspection, but the guy didn't even bat an eyelash or ask for it... grrr). I'm going to use this temporary sticker! I'll tell you what, it really helped taking care of some of the paperwork while I was still in New Hampshire--I've been here only a week and after one failed DMV trip, I have Maryland plates on my car after 1.5 hour wait. So, the above image is not my actual plate number, but it is what the plate itself looks like. This is the new Maryland design and I actually think it's kinda ugly. Sorry to all native MDers out there... I'd love to know what that building is supposed to be. I really did want the old plate (middle) though; I think it looks "governmental" not to mention classy. Thoughts?

Oh well, it's "just a plate that no one looks at" according to my sister and she's completely right about that. But the thing is that I've had Texas plates for over 4 years now--the same plate. The same simple plate. I feel like it's got a simple design--I think I like it when none of the letters/numbers are obstructed with nonsense. I lived in New Hampshire for two years and didn't even register it there! But that was for financial reasons and sheer stubborn behavior (I didn't want to pay over $300 for plates, but low and behold, I'm paying exactly that now). I also wonder if the NH plate design had something to do with it too. The "live free or die" part was nice--I do like that motto. I don't know... this all feels like a bigger deal that what it really is, so lets move on.

Thesis Update: I am working on the final story revision! It's a story that I did last semester so this is the first big edit on it. It's actually a little too fresh still. I do most of my editing 6 months after the first draft is finished and workshopped. After I finish this revision I'm going to look at my table of contents closely again, try to get it all laid out (how the heck do you do that with an unlinked short story collection anyway?!), and then take it to Staples for one big print out. I want to do one more edit (hopefully line edit stuff) before I mail it to my thesis advisers on Sept. 1. I hope to fly up to NH to meet with them sometime in October (or late September), get their comments, make revisions/edits and then turn in a final draft sometime in November. I'll defend in December and read at the same time. BLAH. I'm not looking forward to public reading--the program probably should have arranged for practice opportunities for their students. Some people got to read (like at perspective student day) but those were likely the favorites. What about me, Bob? What about the little people still struggling to figure out structure and story? Are we not good enough? Haha... sigh.

I'm just glad to have a car again... to be able to drive around and see my new neighborhood and scout out potential job prospects. Jobs... that's a subject for another post entirely.

Pluggin' Away

So, I've had a productive summer so far. I'm working on my thesis, reading a few short story collections (I recommend Wells Tower's Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned), and planning on moving to Maryland at the end of the month. I guess it's time for another big life change. I like visiting the D.C. area, but will I like living there for a year--who knows. Anyway... just wanted to post something real quick since obviously I haven't had this blog on my mind lately. Sad. Hope everyone's doing well!

Rounding things Out

I'm done with all of my classes--gasp. It seems like this program flew for me, and I suppose in retrospect it really did. The first year was incredibly difficult; started things out on a sour note (first workshop) got a little bit better toward the end, won and award that felt more political then deserving (recently had a friend say "yeah, a lot of us were like, huh?, when awards were announced." Shit thing to say, but I'm not stupid, I saw what was happening last year), and spent the first summer reading YA novels and trying to regroup after a rough year. This past year has been great for me. Everyone says that my writing has improved, which it has. Still, early comments about me "rocking" made me second guess everything that was said the first year. The worst thing for me was the placating, the tender "let's not scar her for life" comments that beat around the bush and weren't straight up. I am a better writer when people are honest with me and maybe tear me down a little. It would have been great to hear one of my peers say "step it up." Sure it would have hurt in the beginning, but I would have pushed myself even harder. Anyway, this year's been great and I'm feeling more comfortable like I'm my old self again. Writing is coming easier, when it comes at all, and I'm grateful for that. [Image from here.]

I rounded out the year with a great final workshop and just won a second award from my department, this time the contest was judged by an outside person: the fiction editor at Crazy Horse. So, I definitely feel like I deserve it--or at least there are fewer doubts. Unless there was some back handed stuff going on. Who knows. The same three people (including an undergrad) who won awards last year won them this year, so I'm sure there was some bitterness floating around. I feel great about the award, but it's difficult when you've sense that some of your "friends" think that you're less than deserving. That sucks. It really sucks actually. My friend J made a good point when she said that all of us (all the people I came into the program with) are going to eventually be competing with one another for publication in journals, teaching positions, etc., and that we may lose friendships because of it. I'm not that type of person--I feel genuine happiness for people who receive things that I don't (with the exception of financial aid decisions when I felt a little bitter myself toward a good friend, but it was more about me feeling not good enough than she receiving funding). It's just difficult when said people receive tons of awards/recognition and when I win something there's a sense of disappointment (that they didn't win) and the question "really?" Oh well... all I can hope is that this time around things were legit. I'm not going to let doubt creep in. Begone, evil one.

Let's see... yeah, I have a draft of my thesis due October 15, a final draft sometime in November, and then a defense in December. Then I'll be done, done, done. I'm currently looking for full time work in a writing/editing heavy position. I'm in a wedding in July (about to start crash dieting cause I'm worried that the dress won't zip up, gasp), maybe some more vacation in August, and then maybe my life will start anew. Time will tell. Let me just say that it's SO nice to be done. I'm not sad about not being in classes anymore--not yet anyway. Maybe it will hit me later--or maybe I really am done, mentally and spiritually.

I love feeling inspired!

So, today my family and I saw Avatar (XD or 3D, whatever it's called). I love leaving the movie theatre inspired so much that I just want to sit down and write novels. I think it's the creativity that inspires me--the total creation of a new world and a new race of people, maybe? I was blown away by this movie. It was absolutely stunning visually, but struck lots of emotional chords too (humor, tears). I highly recommend seeing this movie. The XD experience was pretty damn awesome, but I'm sure seeing it the more traditional (and cheaper!) way is just as pleasing. I'll probably see it the normal way if I go again (which is likely). James Cameron did an amazing job. (My rating: A+)

Anyway, so it's Christmas break--or winter break for the more PC-minded folks out there. I have a lot to do. I need to write a few short stories, get a move on my thesis project, and send out three stories (which still needed editing and revision). I'm looking forward to writing something new but scared too--new semester, new workshop group, new stressors. I hope everything goes well as this is going to be my last semester of classes. I still can't believe it--I'll be done in one year. I have no idea what comes next. I suppose I need to be done with school for good and really join the working world? I'd rather be a life-time student.

Wowzer

Man... talk about out of site out of mind. Or maybe it should be "too busy to blog," which is a complete excuse. I've been lazy. Considering that it's been about 2.5 months since I last blogged, I suppose I've been super lazy. The semester's winding down and I only have one semester of classes left, followed by the writing of my thesis. It's crazy how fast this journey has gone.

So, a few updates:

1. The semester went really well. I was super busy working three jobs and doing homework/assignments for three writing-intensive classes. I feel like I've grown as a writer, which is important in a program like this.

2. Still unpublished, but looking to send out a few more stories in early January.

And... that's it. See, nothing worth blogging about, but I'll try to get back into the swing of things.

Nesting

I'm purging the old today.

Old clothes.
Old papers from last year.
Old attitudes (I hope).
Old habits (I really hope).

School starts in a few more days and I'm trying to start off on the right foot. Part of me wants a do-over of last year (academically speaking, not that I bombed anything, but it would be nice to start off with a more confident head and a better use of my time). Oh well. I'm taking three classes: memoir workshop, fiction workshop, and a special studies in the novel, which I'm on the fence about. I'm not sure that we'll be reading full novels, so how am I going to learn anything? The prof always amazes me, so I'm sure something will leak in through osmosis.

New items of little to no importance:

• Movie updates: The Proposal (rating - B), District 9 (A-), Inglorious Basterds (A), Boy in the Striped Pajamas (not a new release, A), Bandslam (B), I Love You Man (A), Fly Me To the Moon (D-), Disfigured (B-), Julie and Julia (A), and a few others.
  
• Writing update: I'm working on a new short story. My goal is to volunteer to be workshopped first in fiction this semester. I'm extremely anxious about my story being taken seriously. Who knows. I'm coming to accept that I'm not a traditional literary writer and I never have been. I think a lot of the trouble I had this last year was trying to be something that I'm really not. I do feel like I write in a literary way, I'm just not about the crafting of overly floral sentences that make your mind spin. Not my style. I'd rather go for a dark humor or bizarre characters and plot lines. If this story doesn't go as well as I'd like, my backup plan is to do a revision of something that I've never workshopped. Part of me feels like this is cheating, but then, maybe I should go a little easier on myself this semester.
  
• Reading update: I've put "Mr. Sebastian and the Negro Magician" on hold for the time being to read George Saunders, TC Boyle and Kurt Vonnegut. I'm working on Vonnegut's short story collection "Welcome to the Monkey House" at present. I like some of the stories and others, not so much. I love Saunders though. He's probably the first short story writer that I've connected with, for whatever reason. I actually feel semi productive reading these things--like I'm getting back into the school vibe.
• Submissions: I'll have three stories ready to send out next month. My goal was to do a little bit more editing of old things, but I'm happy to be where I am. Hopefully I'll have some success. Can't stop trying though.
  
• I feel like taking a road trip. Maybe it's the fact that the heat is gone and it's like 72 degrees out right now. SO beautiful. I actually used my comforter last night and not just a sheet. It was cold in my room when I woke up. I should really be outside and not blogging, but I promised myself to work on my story today (I'm procrastinating obviously).
• I want to buy a new desk chair--the one I have is not conducive to hours and hours of writing. Alas, I won't be able to get one for a few months, if that.
  
• Is it weird that I'm already looking forward to Christmas?
• My birthday is in 23 days--I'm feeling the effect of the years. I will likely be a spinster forever. No use in fighting it 'eh? Embrace the inevitable.
• I have an odd fascination with apes.

A Down and An Up

So... I applied for this part-time job on campus at the beginning of the month and found out today (after a month-long process where the app pool was narrowed from 60 to 10 to 5 to 2) that I didn't get the job. The other woman got it because she's done the work before and wants to continue it for the next five years. I wasn't smart enough to come up with a job-related 5-year-plan that sounded smart. No, I said some fru-fru about... well, I won't even repeat it here because it's in the past and in retrospect it was completely and utterly ridiculous. I have an interesting reaction time to things. I read the email and was like "eh, no biggie" and then after about fifteen minutes I started to feel numb. Not a great feeling. Its kinda... slushy and vibrate-y with a side dish of oh-my-god-I-can't-work-three-jobs-and-do-school-full-time panic.

I did a few things to get back into the swing of things:

1. Applied for another on campus job (this one WITH benefits) who knows... in the words of Kermit the Frog himself: "I hope that something better comes along!"
   
2. Spent 15 very serious minutes looking through my notes on agents and publishers for my stories, and then pulled out the first chapter of one of my novels to work on it;
3. Considered self publication, comforted by the fact that I'm pretty sure I could sell at least a dozen copies with the prospect of 500 more;
   
4. Went to see Ice Age III: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (I give it an "A");
5. Grabbed a slice of pizza from the mall food court; and
   
6. Came home to find a SASE waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.
   

I could just tell that it was a rejection waiting for me in that thin envelope--and it was. However, it was my first rejection with a little scribbled note telling me that the editor of the Missouri Review read my story "with interest." Good sign? Good sign. Waiting on three more journals: Tin House, McSweeny's and The Paris Review.

Update (as of 2 minutes after I posted this initially): Tin House rejected me by email. No nice little note. Sheesh. I should rename this post "two downs and an up."

As I move on to possible plan B's I've decided one thing: I've got to seriously get crackin on submitting my work. No more fear.

Realizations and Tid Bits

I'm starting to wonder if my constant doubts about this program are an intuitive sign that my heart has yet to get on board with. I should make a pros and cons list.

Updates on all that is me:

• Saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was a good movie (long overdue) and there were a lot of things that I absolutely loved about the whole thing and a few things that I disliked (perhaps I'm too much of a purist). I will likely see the movie again (and will totally buy it--extended version and all--when it comes out in about six months. I predict a X-mas release), and maybe I'll like it more the second time around. So... I give it an A. Because, come on... it's Harry POTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTER! Hell ya.
• I will be making .25 cents more an hour. Minimum wage went up. Commence sobbing.
• I'm almost done teaching my summer class. This is the final week. It's been going well and I'll be happy to have it over with.
• I'm currently reading The Alchemyst by Michael Scott (not affiliated with Dunder Mifflin, sadly). It's a bit slow moving at the moment. I only have two more weeks of July to read as much fluff as possible, so perhaps I'll move on to the next great thing. What that is, I don't know.
• I'm writing off and on--what most in this program would call fluff. Been toying around with some monkey- and carnival-themed (separate ideas) stories for workshop this fall (pending my ultimate decision). They're pretty "out there"--we'll see. People might think me crazy, but it's coo'.
• It's either the sun, the humidity, or the general mundaneness of my life, but I am a tad depressed. I feel like floating on a river of melted vanilla ice cream, face down, mouth wide open. Whhooooa is me.
  
• Is it bad that while at work today I seriously considered the following experiment: Starve yourself for one week, just to see what it feels like. I then proceeded to have a cinnamon scone with my lunch, so the seriousness of this consideration is now a moot point.
  
• I have big dreams but lack the motivation to make them realities. What are possible solutions to such a conundrum? Xanax?
  

Crap... enough with the Debbie Downer mood, right? Let's see if I can't cheer us all up a bit. How about a quote from my Jim Henson's Doodle Dreams book (he did the illustrations, Jim Lewis wrote the text. [I'm pretty sure that the picture to the right is the statue at the University of Maryland where Henson went to school. I've been meaning to get a picture here. Next time I'm in D.C.]

After a random page opening, here is the quote of the day (pretty fitting):

"You are where you are because that's where you need to be. And if you need to move on, you'll move on."

oooh, this is a good one too:

"When you take changes, you're going to fail. That's inevitable. You can either let failure turn you away from your dream or inspire you to dream bigger."

Summer Days...

I spent 4.5 hours preparing for my class today... now I'm at home, full of junk food, and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my night. My options: 1) write the next chapter of my side project (a novella), 2) work on revising a short story, 3) try to write a new short story, or 4) read. The possibilities are endless and I'll likely start reading a new YA novel. I finished The Graveyard Book and really enjoyed it. I'm contemplating buying it for my collection--but perhaps I should wait until it comes out in paperback. Although there's something wonderful about a hardback book. I shouldn't buy anything considering I have about $10 to my name (honestly)... until tomorrow that is. Gotta love pay days. The economy sucks right now too... not that I needed to remind anyone of that.

I should write tonight. I'll do that and watch So You Think You Can Dance (guilty summer pleasure).

Update on the story that I have swimming in the abyss (aka. journal slush piles):

I checked my online status for Virginia Quarterly Review and it said: "Submitted 15 days ago, and declined 15 days ago." I'm taking this to mean that I didn't meet the May 31 deadline (although I did submit it on 5/26, but maybe that's cutting it too close?). Or maybe they just turned it down outright. I wonder if I'll receive any other notification--my guess is probably not.

Round One

Ding, ding, ding.

So, I bit the bullet (love those cliches!) and sent out a story from this year to a few journals (three so far, about to submit to two more). This is an expensive process, so while I was told to submit to 20 journals, I cringe and what that will do to my penny bank (literally, I'm working with pennies here). So, we'll see what happens, and of course I'll make updates on here. Maybe something awesome will happen.

Other news: none.

Still reading, doing some revising, thinking a lot about writing.