Sometimes It Just Hits You

I'm about to self-publish my sixth novel.

I'm about one-third of the way through my seventh (actually, it's my ninth, but it will be the seventh to publish).

Wow... nine novels. I'm not one to really toot my own horn, but that's pretty awesome. Maybe this one will be the one to catapult me to stardom! (haha). Or maybe it's lucky number 7. I guess I really am a writer.

I miss how easy it was to bang out the first six and I wonder if having a formal education in fiction writing hindered my process. Hopefully it's made me better, but I'm definitely not writing as much as I was back in college (circa 2006). I need to get back to that place somehow. My goal is to write and publish one book a year. Perhaps this is lofty, but I know I can do it.

Arrrrggh!

My damn pants don't fit... not a single one. Shows how far I've slid. I just can't seem to get back on track and it's very frustrating.

My pants must fit by the time I go to London. I will NOT buy new pants.

Tomorrow: Day 1

My pants are getting tight and uncomfortable. I'm eating tons of sugar. I've gained back about 10 pounds and I'm easily on my way to putting on everything that I've lost. I'm very much off track and it's been disheartening. All I can really do is focus on tomorrow and making the start of getting back on track. I have to do something... I worked really hard last year and in the last three months it's all gone down, down, down hill. I guess I'm lucky that all I've put on is 10 pounds. *sigh*

Okay, here's to day one.

Ohhhhhh goodness

Guys. You know that feeling when you fall off the wagon? Maybe you sprain your ankle... maybe you get a scrape. Normally you pick back up, dust off, and climb aboard again.

Okay, so what if you crash the wagon?

What if you don't realize that you've crashed it? Or you do realize and you just don't care?

I'm in this weird head space right now. I've gone to the gym maybe once this week. I've eaten a ton of sweets. (I hadn't really eaten any candy, cakes, etc. for about two years, until one doomed snickerdoodle tempted me and popped three wheels off the wagon. I have absolutely no control when it comes to sweets, which is why I gave them up. One snickerdoodle literally lead to about six more--in one day.) I have a day off today and the last thing I want to do is go to the gym. I'm in a very odd funk and I'm slightly concerned that I'm returning to my old cycle. I keep telling myself "no worries, you'll get back on track after the holidays." But... this isn't good thinking, especially for a person like me who tends to avoid things that are too overwhelming, hence it taking me this long to actively lose weight (losing 100 lbs is very daunting people).

There are a lot of new things happening right now in my life. The new job is about the only thing that's not stressing me out at the moment. It's time to start looking for my own place to live. I was considering renting, but yesterday, during a really lovely long lunch, someone asked if I was "renting or buying." Buying? My initial thought was "no way, I don't make enough money and have too much debt." My second thought: "Whoa, buying is so permanent." My third thought: "Well, I do want to set down roots somewhere and this area has the most job opportunity for my field." I also need to decide WHEN to make this move. My sister is pregnant with twins that are due in May, but will likely be born early. Do I want to move out before they get here or stick around for a few months to help out? Do I want to find a roommate? (No, not really, but it would be an economically sound choice.)

Too may questions. Too many worries. So, I eat and I don't work out. I've gained about 2 pounds and maintained that... I guess that's a plus. I feel gross though, so that's a negative.

So... what to do to get back to the motivation I had back in September (yes, it's been that long of a funk, although eating sweets basically started December 4)?

I think I need to re-evaluate my workout schedule. Because the days are shorter, I often feel that I don't want to work out in the evenings. Plus it's cold out, which I love, but it's not fun to exercise under any extreme weather condition. There's something about it being dark outside by 4pm that makes me think I should be home on the couch. I also need to get the sugar out of my system (I've been getting a lot of headaches). So... small steps will get be back on a new wagon. Hopefully it won't take long to make this happen.

Come on December!

So... November was kind of a crap show in regard to writing and my investment toward a healthier life. For a variety of reasons, I kinda checked out on both things. Today, being December 1st, was supposed to be the launch of my restart. It's hard to do that when family is in town (and with all the other things going on). I'm an anxious eater. An emotional one, actually. And being around family, while great, can also be very stressful for me. I'm surprised I haven't gained 10 lbs. Of course it's been a week since I last weighed myself, so I bet that's entirely possible. I dread the scale tomorrow morning.

I need December to be better. I have to MAKE it better. My plan after breakfast tomorrow is to go to the gym or walk/jog the loop. I've been sedentary for too long. I also plan to do a little writing. I often find that not writing for long periods of time (aka, all of November) can put me in a "mood." Mostly something feels "just not right." So, maybe if I can corner myself in my room for an hour or two and write, I may feel less funky. Maybe doing both things will give me a little control back.

I'm taking a few days off of work this week, which may not be the best for this revitalization. I'm hoping to get a little bit of a jump start... hopefully a full fledged return to where I was in September. Yikes... maybe October wasn't that kind to me either. *sigh*

Shifting Schedules... Why is it so dark?!?

So, I'm supposed to be participating in NaNoWriMo this year, but I've got about 800 words and about 24 days left to reach 50,000 words. This feels a bit ominous. I might head out to Barnes and Noble this weekend to see if I can't make some progress. I really wanted to complete Nano this year, but I'm feeling... okay, I need to start thinking positively. Maybe I'll start my plan of writing at 9pm for an hour or so... but probably not.

Anyway, I'm not sure when this particular writing blog turned into a health/weight loss blog, but there you go. Shifting priorities, I suppose.

Now that I've taken on more responsibility at work, I think I'm going to have to shift my workout schedule to mornings. I really don't like working out in the morning, but maybe I can get used to it. I think it's time to make a change because I find myself working an extra hour at work each night and by the time I leave it's dark (thanks day light savings!) and my mind automatically thinks "whoa, it's nine PM, no time to work out." Of course this is not accurate, but it feels accurate. So, if I go in the morning and get it over with it'll be fine for me to just head right home after work. I think I'll start this next week. .............or this week. I should probably start tomorrow. Or next week.

Motivation!

So, if you know me, you know that I love monkeys/apes. Don't ask my why, I just do. My favorite part of the zoo is the ape/monkey house, following closely by the big cat exhibit. Chimps are by far my favorite. I could watch them for hours. Anyway, today I get home from the gym to find a package waiting for me from my friend who recently completed her own C25K program. Inside was this little guy, sent to me as a "hooray you finished a 5K" and a birthday present. He's got a few motivational phrases on him and wears a 5K medal around his neck.  He's pretty bad ass.

The phrase that sticks out to me the most: "Just Keep Running"

Since finishing the C25K, I've really slacked off on my running. Right now I'm basically going out for a jog once a week. Before this, I was running 1 mile on the treadmill. I figured the mile run was always the trickiest feat for me, so I need to maintain the ability to run a mile without dying. I want to return to running three times a week. I need to. Monkey Man is going to help me.

I think I'm going to put in him in my car so that he's not out of sight out of mind. Tomorrow at the gym, I'm jogging for 20 minutes at least (or run the loop around my neighborhood). I'll slowly work back up to 30 minutes and hopefully more. I just have to figure out a way to enjoy it a little more than I do currently. I like jogging outside, but it's getting colder and my chest always hurts afterward (from the cold air). I'm thinking about splurging on some kind of tablet so that I can download movies to watch at the gym. Lord knows that they do a crappy job of maintaining program variety on the TVs there.

Anyway... here's to a revamp of my running program. It's coming at a perfect time because I'm pretty sure I've been in a plateau for the last month.

Making Time

I just started a new job at work and it's going well so far. It's definitely a new challenge and I'm looking forward to it. Being challenged is good. It doesn't feel like it's going to burn me out, but this is basically day two. I've decided to remain optimistic.

Anyway, it's almost November, which means that I'm nearing the start of my third year on this health journey I'm on. Three years! Definitely the longest I've ever worked at getting healthier. I'm also the smallest that I've ever been. I've made a lot of progress in the last few years, but the journey is still pretty very slow. This is probably a good thing--gradual change is easier to deal with. I think I'm in a plateau at the moment--or a period of maintenance, which means that to break it I either need to work out harder or eat less. Or, probably a mix of both. I'm still jogging, but not as frequently as I was with the C25K program. I haven't started the 5K+ program either. My biggest concern is the holiday season, which I love. There's lots of food and sitting around bundled up with blankets trying to beat the cold. Last year at this time I actually gained weight. That was partly because I went home for the holidays; this year I'm staying local so there will be less stress. This year my goal is to at least maintain if not lose. It'll be hard (I love pumpkin bread).

I also need to start making time for my writing. National Novel Writing Month starts soon and I really do want to participate this year, but at this rate, I'm not sure that I'd make it to 50,000 words in a month. I bet I could do this if I managed my evenings a little better. I watch too much TV. Way too much... I need to cut it off at 9pm, maybe and write for an hour and a half? It's manageable. Too bad it's almost 10 and I'm half asleep... so, no writing tonight. Hopefully tomorrow.

So... that running thing...

It's been a while since I've jogged for 30 minutes straight. Instead, I've been running a mile and trying to do it at a faster speed (I'm at a 13.5 minute mile). I'm not sure if I'm hindering the progress that I've made with the C25K, but... running sucks. It's still hard and I just don't find it to be all that pleasant. It could be the atmosphere... the gym isn't really that encouraging. So, maybe, now that it's cooler, I should try jogging outside in the morning. I prefer hitting tennis balls (or playing tennis). But that isn't as high-cardio as I'd like it to be (yet).

Anyway, I think there are new things on the horizon for me. I find myself shifting between confidence and abject terror at these changes. Considering I want this year to be about things that challenge me, I think I'm off to a pretty good start.

Ooo This Game

I've been anxious all day and most of last night as well because of a stupid football game.

We lost 49 to 42... but there's no shame in losing by seven points to the currently #1 ranked team. It was a really good ball game. And, as it's about 12:30 in the morning and I'm posting a blog, I guess I'm still a little wound up and energized. My throat's a little dry too. Gig 'em Ags!

It's five days until my birthday. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do... I've considered going to Medieval Times, but that's kind of expensive and I want to buy myself a hopper (for tennis balls). Oh, that's something else to look forward to this coming week. I signed up for more tennis lessons. And after watching several matches of the U.S. Open, I've been having some "if only" moments. You know, "If only I'd started tennis as a child, I'd be playing Serena now!" Not quite likely, but a girl can dream. I also figure that signing up for community classes is a good way to meet people. I haven't really been successful at this the last two classes. I certainly haven't found a tennis partner.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what my next steps are, and I think if I stay in this area, I might want to join a tennis league or something. I need to get out and about a little bit more.

Anyway, news on my "spiral" from the last post: I'm still spinning, but at least it's not downward. Its an even-axis spin of sorts. Whenever I get super overwhelmed I tend to procrastinate. So, to break through, I decided to focus on one thing that was overwhelming me: food. I actually tracked Weight Watcher points all week instead of making estimates and eating whatever. Doing this made me feel a little bit more in control, and being a bit stricter with my choices definitely made me feel better. Luckily, I don't have tendencies toward addictive behaviors and aren't at high risk for going in the "I'm going to starve myself" route. (I've read that a lot of food-related illnesses begin as a method of controlling something when it feels like you're in control of nothing.) There are certain things that I just don't see myself giving up ever. Pancakes are delicious.

Anyway, actually following my WW plan was a good choice.

Also, my knee feels better, even though it's not quite right. I'm worried that all the popping over the years has finally caught up to me. When I was little I used to lay in bed and extend my arm until my elbow popped. I did this over and over and over again. Pop, pop, pop, pop. At the time it felt really good, but now when my elbow needs to pop I feel this excruciating pain. I hope this isn't happening to my knee, which will pop with the slightest movement. Right now it hurts to pop. Not good. This pain better not happen to my hands. Lord knows I love cracking my knuckles!

Spiraling

I've been completely off my game the last couple weeks. I need to find my footing and find it fast before all of my hard work over the last few months comes to an end. First, I'm eating the moon and then some. Night time has not been my friend lately, so I need to figure out a way to nip it in the bud after dinner. Or just stop eating when I'm not hungry. Second, my knee has been wonky. I think I strained a tendon trying to incorporate squats into my life. I've been popping Advil, but the range of motion just isn't right. So, last week I skipped a couple work outs in hope that a little time off would heal me. But in the process of not working out, I gained weight. Third, I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of "what now?"

I don't like uncertainty.

So... yes, I'm spiraling. My question is: How do you stop a tailspin? What makes a tornado dissipate?

While I don't mind getting older (I am improving with age), I'm starting to worry about my prospects at life. I mean... if you're still doing something you've always done and you're borderline 32 doesn't that mean you'll continue to do it forever? It's very likely that I'm set in my ways and while parts of me are kinda awesome, other parts royally suck. So... yea.

I gotta figure things out, I guess. Sooner rather than later. Or else I'm gonna pack on the pounds before you can say Beetlejuice three times fast (guess what I'm watching for the second night in a row?).

Okay... second week of September. Bring me good things!

Missing Hubcap...

Not my car.

So, I noticed this weekend that I'm missing a hubcap. My sister mentioned seeing one in the road near our house, but it wasn't where she said it was. I decided to look in the trash can that's at the corner of the intersection, just in case... and there is was. All smashed up. Nothing salvageable. I was kinda shocked at the state of it. I was hoping to find it still in the street and pop it back on while shaming it for popping off in the first place. I know this is going to sound superficial, but because the cap is missing I kinda feel like I'm riding around in a junker. Don't get me wrong. I have a nice car. It's reliable and I haven't had to have much major service on it (knock on wood). It's not rusted up or dented... its just a little less dressed than normal. This makes me feel sloppy for some reason. I realize that no one cares about this but me. I'm not being judged by random drivers who should have their eyes on the road and not at my front tire. Still, I can't stop thinking about it. I have to wonder if this feeling is really about my car or if there's something deeper. Almost like "great, that's one more thing I need to worry about." Is it bad that I've contemplated stealing one off someone else's Rav4? I won't do this, obviously, but I've thought about it a couple times. So what does that mean?

I'm over thinking. I just feel a little unsettled at the moment. I'm starting to think that my thirty-second year of life needs to be about me doing things that scare the crap out of me. That's scary. I don't want to do scary things... I also don't want to be complacent in life. So... 32: The Fright Years (?)

Maybe I should remove all of my hubcaps... you know, live dangerously. Or at least symmetrically.

Holy crap... it'll cost over $70 to replace it. That's depressing.

Stupid hubcap. Why did it pop off? Why didn't I hear it?

I found cheaper ones on E-bay. The conundrums: 1) Buy one new one and it's brighter and more silver-y than the rest. 2) Buy four and have three extra hanging around?

Stupid hubcap.

Hello Birthday Month

I love September, and not just because it's my birthday month, but it's the start of fall which will bring winter, two of my favorite seasons. Now, the weather just needs to cooperate (it's still in the 90s). I spent this long weekend doing nothing, basically. I wrote about 50+ pages of my new novel, went shopping, took a nap, ate some food. So, I'm feeling re-energized for work. Of course I know the first few days are going to be stressful, but I'm not even going to stress about it. So... in seventeen days I'll be one year older. I think it'll be a good year.

Is It Over Yet?

It's been a long week. I'm ready for it to be over... I need a restart. A long weekend is the perfect time to do that. To rest, to get my head back on straight, and to stop being paranoid that I'm missing something at work.

I don't even have any big plans... writing at Barnes and Noble probably. I started a new novel last weekend and I've been distracted so I haven't written anything in a few days.

Yes... I just need this week to be over.

Blaaaaah

Today was a very long, difficult day. I made a mistake at work and spent last night and all of today getting it fixed. Making mistakes sucks... live and learn, I guess, but still. I feel like I slapped someone's baby. My glowing reputation of awesomeness is now tarnished. Must break out the polish. Must hang my head a little longer. My point of bringing up this not so glamorous episode of failure is that I totally ditched the gym and then proceeded to comfort eat with a slice of garlic naan and some thin-mint and cookies and cream fro-yo with Oreos on top. 

I know what you're thinking: Did she dip the garlic naan into the fro-yo?

Answer: No. Gross. Although, if I had been any lower, maybe....

I may always be an emotional eater. At least I didn't go too crazy. Although, there's still time for Life cereal. Oh wait, no there's not because I finished the box last night in the midst of the start of my #epicworkfail.

Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow things will be better. I wish they were better now. There's a Raven's game on... the perfect background to do a little work on my new novel. But... I have no motivation. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go up and put my Raven's t-shirt on. I'm starting to think that it's "lucky." I'm pretty sure I wore it every day that they played last year and they won the superbowl. It's problematic that the armpits have a bit of funk to them--guess I shouldn't wear it as a work out t-shirt.

OH life.

Okay, let me put my t-shirt on and stop complaining.

Update: Unless the Ravens can score eight points in the next 2 minutes, my t-shirt didn't work. I did, however, write a few pages of my novel. So, the evening ends on an upswing.

Running Post C25K

I haven't stopped running since completing the C25K program. My goal is to run every other day and so far, I've met this goal. I've even done two runs outside (gasp!) with hills (double gasp). Of course, I can't really run up the hills yet. I try to run part of them, but my legs start screaming and I stop. I probably shouldn't stop--just work through the pain. I don't like hills. So, I'm still pressing forward, hoping to increase my speed and distance.

I feel like a need a new challenge--I think running outside is it.

C25K: Week 9

So... I did it. I finished the three 30 minutes runs for this final week in the program. I've now graduated from the couch to 5K program.

*pause for reflection* *stare into space in shock* *shake my head in disbelief*

I can now run (it's still somewhat of a jog, but at this point that's just semantics) 2 miles in 30 minutes. I have 1.1 miles to go before I complete a 5K. I find this kind of exciting actually. This week's runs have actually been far easier than any of the other weeks. I guess that means I'm more conditioned? I'm not even out of breath now. I sweat like a crazy person, but my heart isn't threatening to explode. I still have that weird shoulder pain thing, but it's getting better. My body hurts a little bit less, but it's still pretty uncomfortable. I figure, the longer I keep this running thing up the easier it'll be.

So, to make sure that I continue, I've decided to do the C25K graduate program (5K+) to improve my technique, speed, and stamina. While I can complete 30 minutes, I'm still moving a bit slow and I'd like to speed it up a little. I'm going to find a good 5K to do in October, I think. That'll give me a little time to not only get faster, but to do a few runs outside where there are hills and slopes.

Hills and slopes, oh my.

I don't think it's quite dawned on me that I've just finished something that's always been VERY difficult for me. Something that I've feared for a long, long time. I faced it and survived... this should be a lesson for all the other things that I fear.

Derailed... Momentarily

Okay... so, I haven't worked out since Wednesday, which means that tomorrow will be particularly challenging at the gym. It also means that I might be back to a 25 minute run. My goal is to do 25, push to 28, and see if I can complete 30, thus starting Week 9 of the C25K. I had all good intentions of working out when I was in NYC, but that was completely a non-option after getting less than four hours of sleep the night before we left. I really don't function well on less than 6 hours... 4, forget about it. I felt like my body was shutting down all day. It wasn't just being sleepy, my organs felt sluggish. It really wasn't comfortable and I'm surprised I made it through the day. While watching Chicago (with a lady's giant head blocking about 90% of the show), I started wondering: "Is this what sleep deprivation feels like?"

If anyone wanted to torture me, that would be the way to do it.

Even though I didn't get in a traditional gym workout while in the city, I did have plenty of activity throughout the weekend:

1. Walking through NYC hauling a suitcase up and down several subway stairs and streets.
2. Walking around the city (without the suitcase) in the rain.
3. Exploring six floors of the Museum of Modern Art (museums are tiring, don't let anyone tell you different).
4. Speed walking five blocks to the theater in a down pour, fighting tons of people and umbrellas just to get to Chicago on time.
5. Wandering the city at midnight, watching the Today Show set up for the next morning show, checking out Rockefeller Center, and walking back to the hotel.

That ended day one. I went to be at around 1:30 am (after waking up at 5am). Long, long day. I'm sure I burned calories just trying to stay alive.

Day 2 (a half day):

6. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (over a mile).
7. Walking through Chinatown
8. Standing in line waiting for the Bolt bus (standing has got to burn calories).

Lots of moving around--New York City requires it.

I also feel like I threw caution to the wind and ate whatever I wanted. I might have even declared "I'm never running again!!" I might have semi meant it too. So, I've been momentarily derailed. I've felt bad about this (off and on)--like I've lost all self control. I don't want to say that I'm "starting over" tomorrow, because I'm not really doing that. I'm just realigning the tracks and straightening out the caboose.

It was a good long weekend. I needed it, I think. I need one more day... who doesn't.

C25K: Week 8

This week, which actually started last Thursday, I ran three times for 28 minutes. The longer time is actually not too bad--my heart can take it, but my body has been struggling a bit. Running is hard. Every day that I do it, I feel like it might be getting easier and then it takes me about 20 minutes to actually feel "comfortable" (I'm using that term lightly). My shoulder's still hurting, but I find if I let my arm hang at my side, the pain lessens and even goes away. However, that makes me look like a malformed monster lady, hobbling around on the treadmill like Igor.

I'm supposed to start my 30 minute runs tomorrow, but I'm heading to NYC with a friend for two days. I am going to bring something to workout in, but the likelihood of that happening is low, but I'm going to try. If it doesn't, then I'll have to pick up the runs next week, which might mean that I need to redo this week.

Last night my sister and I watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. The woman that was featured said that one of her goals was to face something that she hated and conquer it. Her thing was running. After losing 92 pounds (in 3 months... lets not talk about how unrealistic that is for the normal person), she ran a marathon in Paris. Do I want to run a marathon? Gosh, I don't know--I can't even imagine it. I have a hard time running 2 miles nonstop. Can I really get to 26 miles?

Maybe it's something to strive for. 

C25K: Week 7 (take 2)

As I mentioned before, I did decide to re-do Week 7 for this couch to 5K program. Yesterday was my last 25 minute run. Did they get easier? Ummm... yessss? The first was smooth sailing (nothing hurt, I wasn't overly hot, etc.), the second was very difficult (shoulder pain came back and I was too hot), and the third was "meh." But the average feeling for this repeated week was "all right, this is fine." So, tomorrow I will start Week 8, which is three 28 minute runs. I haven't decided if I'll listen to Laura or not--it couldn't hurt, but the music is just not that great.


Anyway... that's where I'm at with the C25K. I don't think I've really lost weight in the last eight weeks--I'm too hungry all the time. I was kinda hoping that would go away after a few weeks, but it's sort of sticking around along with the weird shoulder pain. I gotta research that again.