Scribbling Novelist

Ummm yea.

2011-12-19T22:18:00.002-05:00

So, I never post here anymore... feels silly to still have this blog. But at the same time, I'm not ready to get rid of it.

If you're interested, follow me here (my pen name) instead. At least there I have more up-to-date postings... and let's face it the MFA is over (hallelujah) and it's time to go back to the real me.

I am NOT too old for this...

2011-05-27T16:00:00.005-04:00

Lately (and I think it's because I'm going to hit the big 3-0 in four months) I've been wondering if it's past the time for me to hang up my dreams of becoming a published writer. I do feel like this is a profession where you can find great success at any age, and my pondering is absolutely ridiculous.....

but I don't want to wait until I'm 31 to find success. In the words of Veruca Salt (who celebrates the 40th anniversary of my beloved "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"): "I WANT IT NOW!"

[and I am working on it...]

Therefore, a little part of me wonders if I am the equivalent of the 30-something guy in his parents' basement trying to be a rocker. [Photo: Rainn Wilson in "The Rocker" which was actually a cute movie, IMO.] I mean, I've been dreaming this since I was like nine.

I refuse to let the negativity beast enter my universe of positive thinking. But he's got his big ugly toe wedged in my front door.

*sigh*

It Really Is Over

2011-04-27T18:03:00.005-04:00

A copy of my thesis arrived today. It's now official: the MFA is over.
Let's see what happens next.....

Cat, Lion, Inspiration

2011-04-25T10:45:00.008-04:00

I spent my Easter on the couch watching movies. I don't know a lot of people in Maryland yet and all of my family is in Omaha (I was jealous of the big family dinner my mom was throwing), so I decided to veg out with my cat. All of the movies I watched were inspirational in some kind of way and I felt like maybe I should blog about them (in order to have a bit more frequent posting on my blog).

First: "The Secret"
It's a documentary about "The Secret" to success, happiness, love, wealth, etc. Basically the "Law of Attraction" or you could consider it the art of positive thinking. This documentary struck a chord with me because I can have incredibly negative thoughts about myself, and I've noticed lately that I'm going no where fast. So, I've decided to start projecting happiness. Meditating on what I want so that it will come to me (in some form) in the future. I suppose this is all very New Age-y, but I'm down.

Second: "The White Lion"
This was a movie that I came across on Netflix and was like "sure why not." I mean who doesn't like Lion King-esque movies that take place in Africa? The movie opens up with this old man telling children the story of the sacred white lion. How it was shot reminds me a lot of "Meerkat Manor." There's a lot of animals doing what they do (although part of me wondered if any of the animals were trained) and then the movie's scripted around it (which is just my guess). What I loved most about this movie was that my cat was watching it too. How cute is that? He was sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch staring up at the TV as the big cats romped around. I love it when he watches TV and actually seems interested in what's happening. And when there are other cats on the screen I feel a little sad that he doesn't have a friend. He has to watch his people on TV. Sad. But I don't want another cat so he'll have to settle with me being part of his little lion pride.

Third: "The Land Before Time"
Remember this movie?!? I decided to watch it for nostalgic reasons--my siblings and I loved this movie. And, I cried my eyes out when his mother died. I realized that this is a good movie to explain death to kids. Of course I don't really recommend popping in a DVD after the death of a parent and expect that to be enough. At any rate... the movie was as good as I remember and that always makes me happy. What blows is when you go back as an adult and watch some of the kid TV/movies that you were into (ie: Full House) and realize how utterly horrible it all is. Yep, yepyep, yep, yep!

Fourth: "God Grew Tired of Us"
Oh wow, I highly recommend this to ALL people. It's a documentary about the Lost Boys of the Sudan. It follows three young men who come to America as refugees and talks about the story of them fleeing persecution in southern Sudan (they walked to Ethiopia and then the walked to Kenya). The biggest thing for me with this movie is realizing how much I take for granted. It was fascinating watching them learn about electricity and running water, and their observations of Americans was kind of disturbing/sad. Anyway, this was a really excellent documentary. Everyone should watch it.

Fifth: "Eat, Pray, Love"
I haven't read the book and I didn't see what was so horrible about the movie. I do want to read the book, I think. There are some good messages in there about living and loving and existing. Knowing who you are. It did make me want to travel. What I would give for that kind of freedom. To say: "hey, I'm outta here for a year to find myself, peace out."

I think it's true what Chris Rock says about wealth: "Wealth is not about being rich, it's about having options."

I want some options.

Sometimes I think I've been ruined by the MFA

2011-04-19T16:41:00.003-04:00

So, a little tête-à-tête of rambling for today:

I feel like the MFA is still caught up in my brain. Like I have little professors and peers whispering and scolding: you should be reading this or that, not this or that. Today I went to Barnes and Noble to buy Aimee Bender's novel "The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake" (I had a coupon), and since the purchase, I've been asking myself why I bought it. Don't get me wrong, Bender's a great writer (or so I'm told), but I probably wouldn't have known about her or felt any desire at all to purchase her novel had it not been for someone in my MFA program (a professor or student, doesn't really matter who) to sit up and say: "Hey, you should be reading her."

Why? Why should I be reading her? Because she's "literary"? Because she's got mad diction skillz?

And then, with Bender novel in hand, I found myself in fiction anthologies looking at the O'Henry and Pushcart collections for this year, thinking to myself "I really should start reading/writing short stories again."

WHY?!?! What should I be reading/writing short stories?

I don't really like short stories (I mean they're fine and yes I'm trying to get some published, but I don't really care about them). I like novels. I am a novelist, not a short story writer. And still, I'm thumbing through a few of the Pushcart stories, reading opening paragraphs, wondering if I should buy these too because I really should keep up to date with what's happening in the short story world.

Ugh, really?

And then I think about my current project (a supernatural YA novel) and how I'm constantly questioning my decision to use a pen name instead of my real name when/if I'm actually successful and get it published. (I'm about to make a strong attempt to reach out to agents soon.) Here's what I think to myself: "Well, you might want to get serious one day, so you'd better use a pen name." And THEN I think: "Who the hell said you're not 100% serious with this totally awesome (cause it is) supernatural YA novel? Use your real name on this and a fake name on anything 'serious' (aka: literary)." Then my conscience is like: "But Tanya, you really should use your name on serious novels."

I'm so messed up in my head. The MFA program made me ashamed of myself in a way. I don't like that. It frustrates me beyond measure that I'm not 100% comfortable talking about or showing my YA stuff to my MFA peers.

My friends.

I wonder when I'll feel comfortable enough to share my alter ego (aka: real self) with more people. I guess four months post graduation is not enough time to really heal from something as mind blowing as an Master of Fine Arts program.

Goal Accomplished!

2011-03-18T16:05:00.003-04:00

So, I managed to send stories out to twelve different literary outlets today (well, by Monday for sure when I put the envelopes in the mail). Goals are good for me, I think. I could probably go for a lot more online journals, but maybe that will be the next round. At any rate, I feel like I had a productive day. Now it's time to make some cookies! (And not as a reward for submitting, but because my brother is coming to visit).

Still trying to decide...

2011-03-14T16:27:00.002-04:00

...whether or not I should submit. I need to, there's no excuse not to... I mean, I might as well, right? Still, I've shoved it to the back burner lately. Maybe I need to make it this week's goal, as well as posting here more often. There's something about being out of school that's just got me less interested in blogging. Mostly, though, I'm out of ideas! :)

To Submit or Not to Submit

2011-02-14T13:14:00.004-05:00

I never did get a delicious cinnamon chip muffin but did make some low-fat oatmeal ones that were pretty tasty. Too bad I lost the recipe.

Anyway, I attended this year's AWP Conference in D.C. It was my first time going and I have to say that I was overall pleased with it. It's a pretty lonely conference though. There are so many panels to go to that obviously you're not going to want to go to the same ones as your friends. My goals for this conference was to get as much information on publishing/editing/agents/query letters as I could. I also attended a few "Writing for YA" themed panels (one was better than the other). So, I learned a great deal.

I also realized that I should probably still be sending my short stories out to journals. The rejection letters had piled up (around 50 or so) and I was like "eh, no more submitting for a little while" <-- just to get my barrings back. But the great thing about the conference was the bookfair and learning about so many journals that I could (and probably should) submit to. So, I guess I need to start up a new submission stack. Hopefully they'll all be free online submissions (since I'm still unemployed and short on cash). I guess the first step is to develop a list and then consider which stories to send out. Such a headache, but if I want to go anywhere with my writing it's exactly what I should do.

Other random tidbits:

I'm reading tons of YA fiction at the moment, but I'm about to read "Wench" by Dolen Perkins-Valdez. It's probably time for some adult reading.
I finished my YA novel and it ended up being 413 pages. Now, as I put my hand-edits into the computer it's 492 (and I'm only halfway through). I know that the ending will pack on several additional pages because I rushed through the ending (I was excited to be done with it). This process is incredibly rewarding and I feel like I'm going to have a strong novel in the end. Still there's a lot to do by March (that's my goal to have all editing done so I can send it to a few readers).
There's something about unemployment that's fueled me to get this project done quickly. I just hope that I'm not rushing to the point of detriment. All I've ever wanted was to write novels and be successful at it. It's scary that I'm getting to the point of actually pursuing this dream (and the humongous reality that it may not happen).
Today is Valentine's Day, but it feels just like a normal day to me. I remember a time in my life when it was super depressing not to be in a steady relationship on this day. I'm cool today (as long as I stay away from flower shops and the grocery store) although I may watch "He's Just Not That Into You" later. I've never seen that movie.
Speaking of movies... I watched "The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time" this weekend. My rating: C. It was entertaining, but... I don't know if I can get on board with Jake Gyllenhaal in an action role.

Anyway, that's my update for now.

Happy Valentine's day to all. :)

All I want....

2011-01-18T22:56:00.003-05:00

... is this cinnamon chip muffin....

This is the worst kind of craving to have when you're trying to eat right. Still... me want!

Short Stories....

2011-01-13T12:42:00.003-05:00

So, I'm about to start writing a new short story. I told so many people that once I finished my MFA it was highly unlikely that I would ever write a short story again. In the last five months I've made that prediction come true. However, a good MFA buddy and I have set up a short-story swap. One rough-draft of a story due every two months. I think this is a good thing because it will keep my literary-brain in practice. That's not to say that the novel I just finished isn't literary--well, it's not... yet--but I definitely write a little differently depending on audience. Maybe I shouldn't. Regardless, I'm scared and excited for this swap because he's an amazing writer who's gonna keep me on my toes. I hope to learn a few more things from him.

In other news... I still haven't found a job (meaning a "career"). I need to get my Maryland driver's license so I can maybe deliver some pizzas or something. 2011 is just beginning, but it better have some great things right around the corner.

New Year New Goals

2011-01-02T22:44:00.004-05:00

Happy 2011 people!

Here's wishing everyone a great and prosperous New Year. I haven't made any resolutions yet and I'm not sure that I will (since I tend to drop the ball every year and then become very upset). Instead, I think I'll come up with several little goals. Two of which are to start a new writing project and begin editing the novel I just finished. Other goals I hope will come along nicely.

Happy New Year!

The Job Hunt Sucks... and now I have a killer headache

2010-12-22T23:30:00.003-05:00

So, today I had an interview and 15 minutes after I left their office, the lady I met with sent me an email stating that they didn't choose me. Personally, I don't think that's very classy--they could have waited until the next day or maybe an hour afterward. Plus it took me 2.5 hours to drive home (when getting there only took 45 minutes--thanks rush hour). I'm not really disappointed that I didn't get this, but I am starting to feel hopeless about my ability to find a "career" job. I know that the economy sucks now, but I don't want to hear that anymore because it's not helpful (especially hearing it from people who already have work).

Friday my sister and I fly out to Nebraska to see family. I'm dreading it because my dad's a "fixer" and will constantly question me about my job finding skills, and will then suggest I print off 100 resumes and ship them off to companies, which is how you did it in the old days, I guess. I'm really not looking forward to that. Maybe I'll get lucky and it won't happen. I'm not holding my breath though.

Anyway, the cartoon below represents my experience so far:

Big Plans for 2011

2010-12-16T13:24:00.005-05:00

Now that I'm done with my MFA I need to keep myself motivated in regard to writing, submitting to journals, and editing old things. I feel like I want to set some goals for this up coming year, but I worry that I'll be disappointed if I put too much expectation behind things. Regardless, I want to list out a few things to hopefully keep myself honest in the upcoming months.

1. Edit/Revise novel and send it out to 1-2 readers.
2. Send query letters to agents/publishers.
3. Work on short story manuscript.
4. Submit to at least two contests.
5. Submit short stories to journals.
6. Finish the first draft on a new project.
7. Start revision/rewrite of old novel series.

There, seven feels like a nice round number to start with. My goal for the last 2.5 weeks of 2010 is to finish the first draft of the teen novel I'm working on. I'm about five chapters from the end, so I do see this happening. I'm excited to go back and revise/edit. I should give myself a little distance from it before doing this, but I'm not going to. Distance will come between later drafts I'm sure.

In other news, the first real snow of my first Maryland winter is now falling. It's so peaceful. In the words of Annie: "I think I'm gonna like it here."

It's Over Now: Hello MFA

2010-12-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

It's official... I've earned my MFA degree.

My thesis has been turned in and after an amazing week visiting friends in New Hampshire (and doing my first public reading, which went very well even if I didn't engage much with the audience while reading) I'm back at home in Maryland. Now the job search starts all over again and hopefully I'll be able to finish my novel and start edits on it. I still cringe at the amount of debt I went into for this program, but it is what it is. Too bad the loan people are already riding my back asking for money. [Photo credit]

Anyway, the entire graduation experience was amazing. It feels so weird that now I'm completely done. 100% done. It's a little scary in a way because I feel like I should know what's next. I don't think I'm going for a PhD, but who knows. Maybe I should just focus in publication. Oh well. When my diploma comes I'll snap a shot and post it. :)

I started this blog to jot down my thoughts about the MFA process, classes, projects, etc. So now it might take a new twist and turn and become something else? A blog about the battle of publishing perhaps? Or possibly just a bunch of random entries about my life. I guess we'll see about that too.

By Thursday, I'll be Done

2010-12-03T10:35:00.000-05:00

I'm printing out my final thesis as I type this. Then I'm on my way up to New Hampshire to defend it (Monday) and then have my public reading (Wednesday). I can't believe I'm almost done with all of this. It seems so crazy, like I just started and that I haven't really learned anything. I'm horrified to see any typos in this thing, but if they're there, they're there for good. :) Next time I post, I'll officially have my MFA degree.

Coming to an end

2010-11-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

So, I'm finally full-speed ahead with my final thesis revisions. I took a few months off while waiting to get all the comments back from my professors. The edits are going well. I was told that they weren't expecting many revisions from the first draft to the final, but I'm crankin' them out. I don't really want to look at this thing ever again--I feel like I say that a lot, but it's true. When I turn the manuscript in for binding, I'm done with it. At least for a while. I just get impatient, that's all. I want to work on new things all the time (sometimes to the detriment of the finished piece as it's never touched again). Most of my writing ends with the first completed draft. Writing and revising the thesis is great practice for me. Hopefully I'll be able to continue this with other works and actually get something to a presentable state.

My reading has also been schedule for the second week in December. I was really apprehensive and nervous about this, but I'm trying to relax a bit. I tell myself "it'll only be 20 minutes of your life" and try to focus on something else. It's worked so far, my stress level is down a bit. Just a bit. I'm sure it'll sky rocket the day of.

I need to get better about posting more regularly, but blogging has taken a back seat. It's different not being in school. I feel like I don't have much to say. Who else is looking forward to the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 release? I am! I bet I'll feel a little depressed after Part 2, just like I was after reading the seventh book. I am glad that she's not going to write any more Harry Potter books. It's time for her to bring forth something new. But that's TONS or pressure--how can she live up to Harry?

OH WAIT... I do have something else to add. The job market really does suck. It's only been about 3.5 months since I moved to Maryland and I still haven't found work. Not even part-time, retail things. It's very stressful. My credit is about to take a major hit. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it's difficult at this point. Too many rejection letters from potential employers and too many form letters from literary journals. When's my break gonna come?!?!

Returning to the Thesis

2010-10-14T12:59:00.001-04:00

Soon--once I get comments from the last professor on my committee--I will pick up my thesis again and start revising based on their suggestions. Part of me just wants to leave it where it stands and never look at it again. Not because I'm unhappy with it, but because I've moved on. I don't want to be like the song that never ends. I don't want to pick at these stories for years and years to come. Stories get old to me after a while and I feel desperate to work on something new. I figure if no one wants them then they won't be published. And so far... I've only received form rejection letters on what I've been told is my strongest story. After all responses are in from outstanding submission, I think I'm done with literary journals for a while. I need to expand my horizon and look for other appropriate places--I'm not sure that lit journals are for me. Or, like the job market, competition is just too high. The only problem is that I wouldn't know where to begin looking for alternate sources.

I'm 230 pages into my new project--that's 78,751 words to date and I haven't started working on it yet today. Some days I write over ten pages and other days I get in just one. At least I'm still meeting my goal of writing a page a day. I wish the same could be said for my goals to get a little exercise each morning. Bah. One goal at a time, maybe. :)

My sister and I are going to see "Red" this weekend. I used to go to movies all the time, but now that I literally have NO spare spending money, I have to really pick and choose what looks good to me. Part of me really wants to see "The Social Network" because it's written by Aaron Sorkin, who I think is one of the better screen/TV writers out there. Hello, he's the creator of "West Wing"! Though, I recently learned that he was on cocaine while writing most of that show because he thought he needed the drug for the creative process. I'm glad that he's overcome that. He really is an excellent writer. I'm also planning on buying "How to Train Your Dragon" because it was the BEST movie from the spring. So good. I'll have to dig into my piggy bank to do it, but it'll be worth it to have that one in my collection.

I also recently went apple picking and made homemade applesauce. Cobbler is my next venture with the apples. I felt very "home on the prairie" at the farm. Farms are great. I think I was a farmer in another life. Or maybe it's just my Nebraska roots coming through.

Okay, enough randomness. Cheers.

New Projects... looming thesis reading

2010-09-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

I've written 98 pages to a new novel and I'm still going strong. Yay! It feel like AGES since I've written like this and I'm just enjoying every afternoon that I sit down and write. I feel about 95% back to normal. I still feel like my MFA degree may have killed 5% percent of my desire to write while making me a better writer in the process. I'm not sure how that works, that's just how I feel. I'll keep plugging away though--it would be amazing to have a draft of a new novel done by Christmas. Of course it would be an incredibly ROUGH draft, but still a draft. So, there's that.

For the past two nights I've been dreaming about school. The first night it was a semi-nightmare about being unprepared for my upcoming (and first ever) reading. I do not want to do this. I really don't. The dream gave me more anxiety about it all. Last night it was more about MFA student drama. It's like I've immersed myself in the rumors that have reached me in Maryland. Oh the drama. I wonder what tonight has in store for me. Hopefully no more dreams about my reading--maybe something will happen and they'll give me my diploma without that mandatory step. Such foolishness. I don't even know how to prepare for such things.

I have comments from two of my faculty members and so far things have been more positive than negative. I feel like they're being truly honest with me too, which I'm very happy about. My final comments should reach me by next week (hopefully) and then I'll have to take a brief hiatus from my new project. Or just split my days up so half is to old work and half is to new. Lord knows I'm not working at present and have all the time in the world, plus no money. It's a win-lose situation.

First Steps

2010-09-22T12:43:00.001-04:00

My birthday was a few days ago and I made a goal for the year to write at least one page everyday. I have yet to do that and we're three days into this new year for me--so I guess I owe myself three pages. When did starting a new project become so difficult? Oh well, here's to first steps.

Thesis Update

2010-09-10T22:32:00.001-04:00

So, I received comments from one of my committee members a few days ago. Overall, I'd say that the outcome was positive. She says four of the eleven stories need more work. Sadly, two of the four were the new stories that I wrote this summer and was feeling pretty positive about. However, I'm not deterred. Unlike the rest in the collection, they do need to sit for a while and I need to re-approach them (and wait to hear feedback from my other two committee members).

I filed my intent to graduate form today and sent a picture in for this graduate student bulletin board that they're putting together--both of these things were awkward for me. The first, because I can't believe I'm graduating with an MFA (and will soon have to read in front of people--I'm not looking forward to that); and the second, I'm not even in New Hampshire anymore. I'm 500 miles away from campus. I don't see people and I certainly don't feel like I'm in school right now. I'm in the "real world" suffering because I don't have a job and don't have money coming in (though I seem to be spending it left and right--hello more debt). Life is difficult right now. Whoa is me. Oh well. Maybe I'll get published soon (just sent out another round of submissions)... and maybe not. Uncertainty makes me insane.

Needs a Project and a Job

2010-09-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

Wow... so I need a job, immediately. And I need to start a new writing project now that my thesis is being read. Finding a "career" would be nice. I'm tired of working three part-time jobs all the time. Competition is tough. Stupid economy. Sigh.

Finished... at least for now

2010-08-14T19:56:00.000-04:00

11 stories - 204 pages

Something about completion feels so good.
Sending copies off to my committee on Monday... it's so strange to be nearly done.

Zooooooooooom

2010-08-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

So, I am official. Well... I'm official for a month, but I have all of the documentation I need to get registration stickers on my car. I'm going to wait though--I paid $20 for a temporary sticker that I didn't even need (was told it was needed in order to get an inspection, but the guy didn't even bat an eyelash or ask for it... grrr). I'm going to use this temporary sticker! I'll tell you what, it really helped taking care of some of the paperwork while I was still in New Hampshire--I've been here only a week and after one failed DMV trip, I have Maryland plates on my car after 1.5 hour wait. So, the above image is not my actual plate number, but it is what the plate itself looks like. This is the new Maryland design and I actually think it's kinda ugly. Sorry to all native MDers out there... I'd love to know what that building is supposed to be. I really did want the old plate (middle) though; I think it looks "governmental" not to mention classy. Thoughts?

Oh well, it's "just a plate that no one looks at" according to my sister and she's completely right about that. But the thing is that I've had Texas plates for over 4 years now--the same plate. The same simple plate. I feel like it's got a simple design--I think I like it when none of the letters/numbers are obstructed with nonsense. I lived in New Hampshire for two years and didn't even register it there! But that was for financial reasons and sheer stubborn behavior (I didn't want to pay over $300 for plates, but low and behold, I'm paying exactly that now). I also wonder if the NH plate design had something to do with it too. The "live free or die" part was nice--I do like that motto. I don't know... this all feels like a bigger deal that what it really is, so lets move on.

Thesis Update: I am working on the final story revision! It's a story that I did last semester so this is the first big edit on it. It's actually a little too fresh still. I do most of my editing 6 months after the first draft is finished and workshopped. After I finish this revision I'm going to look at my table of contents closely again, try to get it all laid out (how the heck do you do that with an unlinked short story collection anyway?!), and then take it to Staples for one big print out. I want to do one more edit (hopefully line edit stuff) before I mail it to my thesis advisers on Sept. 1. I hope to fly up to NH to meet with them sometime in October (or late September), get their comments, make revisions/edits and then turn in a final draft sometime in November. I'll defend in December and read at the same time. BLAH. I'm not looking forward to public reading--the program probably should have arranged for practice opportunities for their students. Some people got to read (like at perspective student day) but those were likely the favorites. What about me, Bob? What about the little people still struggling to figure out structure and story? Are we not good enough? Haha... sigh.

I'm just glad to have a car again... to be able to drive around and see my new neighborhood and scout out potential job prospects. Jobs... that's a subject for another post entirely.

Hello Maryland

2010-08-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

So, I made it to Maryland in one piece and nothing flew off my car and smashed into the car behind me. Overall, it was a good trip. I felt bad for my cat trapped in his carrier for so many hours; so, in solidarity I didn't eat meals in front of him and felt guilty for sneaking pretzel bits from time to time. My cat is still adjusting, but it's so nice to be in a place where I'm not trapped in one room (too bad Tri is for the meantime). Trust me, the last two years have been pretty confining.

Anyway... the drive was nice. New Jersey sucks the cash right out of your wallet though. I spent about $15 dollars on that state's toll roads. It was ridiculous. My favorite place to drive through was New York City. There's so much to look at there, and there's something romantic about that city, I think. I drove across the George Washington Bridge and that was pretty exciting. So, next step is to finish my thesis and find a job out here. I'm looking forward to getting things started again.

Moving...

2010-07-30T19:52:00.000-04:00

...sucks. I feel exactly like this cartoon... I've got a creepy roommate who always wants to offer help. I tend to move more things when he's out of the house. I'm antisocial when he's involved... trust me when I say that the creeper-vibe is legit. [Photo plucked from this website.]

Moving is exciting for a lot of reasons (new opportunities, new people, new place), but the process (cleaning, packing, loading the car, etc) is stressful. I'd like to say that I'm never going to move again, but in reality I'll probably move several more times in my life. The next move takes me to Maryland, which I've mentioned here before. I'm excited to live near my sister (in the same house) again. I hope that I can find a good job and a social network. It's all very odd. I'm glad the next few days will be mild in temperature because I've had to give back my beautiful AC unit. I've been so spoiled the last few weeks. Anyway, I have a few brave friends coming to help me load up my little Rav4. The more things I take down stairs the more freaked out I become about what's going to fit and what may be left on the side of the road with a free sign. Hopefully it will all fit. Hopefully. Sigh.

Oooo Updates

2010-07-28T17:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if I really like this new background, but I'm gonna let it sit for a while... or change it a dozen more times tonight. I need something fun to remind me to come post. :)

Pluggin' Away

2010-07-08T11:00:00.001-04:00

So, I've had a productive summer so far. I'm working on my thesis, reading a few short story collections (I recommend Wells Tower's Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned), and planning on moving to Maryland at the end of the month. I guess it's time for another big life change. I like visiting the D.C. area, but will I like living there for a year--who knows. Anyway... just wanted to post something real quick since obviously I haven't had this blog on my mind lately. Sad. Hope everyone's doing well!

Rounding things Out

2010-05-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

I'm done with all of my classes--gasp. It seems like this program flew for me, and I suppose in retrospect it really did. The first year was incredibly difficult; started things out on a sour note (first workshop) got a little bit better toward the end, won and award that felt more political then deserving (recently had a friend say "yeah, a lot of us were like, huh?, when awards were announced." Shit thing to say, but I'm not stupid, I saw what was happening last year), and spent the first summer reading YA novels and trying to regroup after a rough year. This past year has been great for me. Everyone says that my writing has improved, which it has. Still, early comments about me "rocking" made me second guess everything that was said the first year. The worst thing for me was the placating, the tender "let's not scar her for life" comments that beat around the bush and weren't straight up. I am a better writer when people are honest with me and maybe tear me down a little. It would have been great to hear one of my peers say "step it up." Sure it would have hurt in the beginning, but I would have pushed myself even harder. Anyway, this year's been great and I'm feeling more comfortable like I'm my old self again. Writing is coming easier, when it comes at all, and I'm grateful for that. [Image from here.]

I rounded out the year with a great final workshop and just won a second award from my department, this time the contest was judged by an outside person: the fiction editor at Crazy Horse. So, I definitely feel like I deserve it--or at least there are fewer doubts. Unless there was some back handed stuff going on. Who knows. The same three people (including an undergrad) who won awards last year won them this year, so I'm sure there was some bitterness floating around. I feel great about the award, but it's difficult when you've sense that some of your "friends" think that you're less than deserving. That sucks. It really sucks actually. My friend J made a good point when she said that all of us (all the people I came into the program with) are going to eventually be competing with one another for publication in journals, teaching positions, etc., and that we may lose friendships because of it. I'm not that type of person--I feel genuine happiness for people who receive things that I don't (with the exception of financial aid decisions when I felt a little bitter myself toward a good friend, but it was more about me feeling not good enough than she receiving funding). It's just difficult when said people receive tons of awards/recognition and when I win something there's a sense of disappointment (that they didn't win) and the question "really?" Oh well... all I can hope is that this time around things were legit. I'm not going to let doubt creep in. Begone, evil one.

Let's see... yeah, I have a draft of my thesis due October 15, a final draft sometime in November, and then a defense in December. Then I'll be done, done, done. I'm currently looking for full time work in a writing/editing heavy position. I'm in a wedding in July (about to start crash dieting cause I'm worried that the dress won't zip up, gasp), maybe some more vacation in August, and then maybe my life will start anew. Time will tell. Let me just say that it's SO nice to be done. I'm not sad about not being in classes anymore--not yet anyway. Maybe it will hit me later--or maybe I really am done, mentally and spiritually.

I think I just had my last workshop!

2010-03-31T21:00:00.001-04:00

Wow, so besides the fact that I haven't been a regular poster this semester (or last)... I think I just had my last workshop class tonight. I may get to do one more revision, but this may be it. I can hardly believe it. Seems like I just started this thing yesterday. If I think about my first workshop story in the Fall 2008 to this one tonight, I can say that I've made some huge advancements. I feel like I've regained some of the confidence that I lost the first year. Too bad my classes are over now because I think that with one more year with this program I would have so much more experience under me. Now, it's thesis time, which I have yet to really start work on.

You know, for all the ups and downs that I've reported on this blog. In the end, well, the end of fiction workshop anyway, I feel really satisfied. It feels like a good note to end on--maybe I won't do another revision. Now if I could just get something published! :)

It's Gibberish

2010-02-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I sit in class and find myself asking: "What the hell are they saying?"

These thoughts have become an epidemic. I'm not sure if it's just burnout of the "academic jargon" used when they talk about writing or true ignorance on my part. I say "they" because I can't speak this way. I don't speak this way. I enjoy the stories and essays I read and then we have to talk about them and I find myself going through mini breakups.

What are we doing here--that's what I really want to know. I'm learning, just not in the traditional sense. I suppose it's seeping in somehow (I hope); it's got to be. My conscious self shuts down. Hopefully someone else inside my head is paying attention.

I'm in the process of writing a short story (due tomorrow), and I'm beating my head against the desk. I just spent the past two hours restructuring it because in class we talked about beginning in the middle of things and not starting from the beginning. I panicked. Does starting at the beginning of a story = boring? Is what I had initially okay? It's difficult to talk about writing when you're in the processes of a project. I want to change every little detail. Is my beginning strong enough? My ending? Are there enough metaphors? It's tiring. Writing is hard this way--I miss when it was easy.

I've yet to start on my thesis, but I wrote the following today. Maybe it will spark some primal need to create:

When I first saw him, Saturn was standing profile, his silhouette dipping and swelling like rolling black hills. I imagined running a little red Hot Wheel convertible down the middle of his face. Down a curving forehead, swept up a bubble nose, a quick dip and then over the bumps of his lips. A straight passage down his torso then up the mountain of his belly, swollen with organs that just won't work properly. He held the curve of a pink hula hoop at the small of his back--he was mid-twist, having spotted me in the back of the car, refusing to move.

Why are starts the hardest? I need to get into a better mood.

Last Semester

2010-01-25T22:43:00.001-05:00

So, my last semester of classes starts tomorrow afternoon. The break was long (perhaps too long) and relaxing, and now I don't want to get back into the swing of things. I haven't written anything in months. The idea of writing a thesis freaks me out. I need a schedule... sleeping all day isn't that great for my psyche. :) I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow or Wednesday for that matter--it feels weird to be going back.

Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and continue the forward momentum from last semester (where supposedly my writing improved a great deal--guess I sucked it up first year, which isn't that surprising actually). I'm still undecided about this whole MFA thing. I'm too deep in to quit now, but I feel that my expectations and hopes weren't met. It's been a long, HARD road. Full steam ahead, I guess.

I love feeling inspired!

2009-12-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, today my family and I saw Avatar (XD or 3D, whatever it's called). I love leaving the movie theatre inspired so much that I just want to sit down and write novels. I think it's the creativity that inspires me--the total creation of a new world and a new race of people, maybe? I was blown away by this movie. It was absolutely stunning visually, but struck lots of emotional chords too (humor, tears). I highly recommend seeing this movie. The XD experience was pretty damn awesome, but I'm sure seeing it the more traditional (and cheaper!) way is just as pleasing. I'll probably see it the normal way if I go again (which is likely). James Cameron did an amazing job. (My rating: A+)

Anyway, so it's Christmas break--or winter break for the more PC-minded folks out there. I have a lot to do. I need to write a few short stories, get a move on my thesis project, and send out three stories (which still needed editing and revision). I'm looking forward to writing something new but scared too--new semester, new workshop group, new stressors. I hope everything goes well as this is going to be my last semester of classes. I still can't believe it--I'll be done in one year. I have no idea what comes next. I suppose I need to be done with school for good and really join the working world? I'd rather be a life-time student.

Wowzer

2009-12-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

Man... talk about out of site out of mind. Or maybe it should be "too busy to blog," which is a complete excuse. I've been lazy. Considering that it's been about 2.5 months since I last blogged, I suppose I've been super lazy. The semester's winding down and I only have one semester of classes left, followed by the writing of my thesis. It's crazy how fast this journey has gone.

So, a few updates:

1. The semester went really well. I was super busy working three jobs and doing homework/assignments for three writing-intensive classes. I feel like I've grown as a writer, which is important in a program like this.

2. Still unpublished, but looking to send out a few more stories in early January.

And... that's it. See, nothing worth blogging about, but I'll try to get back into the swing of things.

Fourteen Novels

2009-09-10T18:32:00.000-04:00

By the end of the semester (if I decide to take the challenge and not work with old material) I should have the plot outlines for fourteen different novels inspired by the following published works:The Great Gatsby, The Remains of the Day, Things Fall Apart, My Antonia, The English Patient, The Age of Innocence, Love in the Time of Cholera, How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents, Tristram Shandy, Animal Dreams, The Death of Ivan Ilyich, A Prayer for Owen Meany, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and Annie John. All of this is for my novel class. We're reading sections of each book (first chapters, middle chapters, last chapters, tension moments, character introductions, etc.) It's difficult... to say the least, but I'm sorta looking forward to brainstorming ideas that I might use at a later time. I sorta wish that the class was more focused on writing a novel, but I'm sure this will help in the end. So, tonight I write my The Remains of the Day inspired novel outline and final chapter. We'll see how it goes.

The rest of the semester looks promising. I will be workshopped twice next week--first in fiction and then in memoir. Double whammie. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm incredibly nervous about fiction because of the content of my story. It's pretty out there and possibly could be frowned at since one of the main characters is a chimpanzee. I have this daydream where everyone just shrugs and says, "You want me to take this seriously? It's a monkey." Or rip it up behind my back as some folks tend to do from time to time when something doesn't interest them. Oh well, we'll see. I'm still scared. I'm not nervous about memoir--it is what it is. Damn, I should have the same attitude in regard to my fiction.

So far, the semester is going well. Hopefully I can keep up with all the work.

Sigh... :)

2009-09-04T22:10:00.000-04:00

Music + Kids + Great Song = perfection. Enjoy!

Year Two Begins

2009-08-31T22:13:00.001-04:00

What a difference a year makes. I feel more confident (speaking in class or volunteering to read), but have the same lack of confidence in regard to having my writing critiqued. Anxiety pumps through my veins in stead of blood. I think it has a lot to do with the subject of my story and the characters and what I'm trying to do (and I'm not even certain what I'm trying to do). Oh well, I volunteered to go first in workshop and I will go forward and submit the story. If I get anything out of this program it's going to be the ability to submit my work and be proud of it. So far, I'm pretty proud with the first two scenes of my story. The ending is a bit trickier, but it'll all come together as it usually does.

So, I had workshop tonight with four new fiction writers. Our group has a nice mixture of old and new faces, which is a good thing I think. It's going to be nice having new faces around, not that I'm sick of the old or anything, it's just nice. Tomorrow I have one more class and then I'm done for the week. I need to set up a writing schedule.

Nesting

2009-08-27T12:59:00.000-04:00

I'm purging the old today.

Old clothes.
Old papers from last year.
Old attitudes (I hope).
Old habits (I really hope).

School starts in a few more days and I'm trying to start off on the right foot. Part of me wants a do-over of last year (academically speaking, not that I bombed anything, but it would be nice to start off with a more confident head and a better use of my time). Oh well. I'm taking three classes: memoir workshop, fiction workshop, and a special studies in the novel, which I'm on the fence about. I'm not sure that we'll be reading full novels, so how am I going to learn anything? The prof always amazes me, so I'm sure something will leak in through osmosis.

New items of little to no importance:

Movie updates: The Proposal (rating - B), District 9 (A-), Inglorious Basterds (A), Boy in the Striped Pajamas (not a new release, A), Bandslam (B), I Love You Man (A), Fly Me To the Moon (D-), Disfigured (B-), Julie and Julia (A), and a few others.
Writing update: I'm working on a new short story. My goal is to volunteer to be workshopped first in fiction this semester. I'm extremely anxious about my story being taken seriously. Who knows. I'm coming to accept that I'm not a traditional literary writer and I never have been. I think a lot of the trouble I had this last year was trying to be something that I'm really not. I do feel like I write in a literary way, I'm just not about the crafting of overly floral sentences that make your mind spin. Not my style. I'd rather go for a dark humor or bizarre characters and plot lines. If this story doesn't go as well as I'd like, my backup plan is to do a revision of something that I've never workshopped. Part of me feels like this is cheating, but then, maybe I should go a little easier on myself this semester.
Reading update: I've put "Mr. Sebastian and the Negro Magician" on hold for the time being to read George Saunders, TC Boyle and Kurt Vonnegut. I'm working on Vonnegut's short story collection "Welcome to the Monkey House" at present. I like some of the stories and others, not so much. I love Saunders though. He's probably the first short story writer that I've connected with, for whatever reason. I actually feel semi productive reading these things--like I'm getting back into the school vibe.
Submissions: I'll have three stories ready to send out next month. My goal was to do a little bit more editing of old things, but I'm happy to be where I am. Hopefully I'll have some success. Can't stop trying though.
I feel like taking a road trip. Maybe it's the fact that the heat is gone and it's like 72 degrees out right now. SO beautiful. I actually used my comforter last night and not just a sheet. It was cold in my room when I woke up. I should really be outside and not blogging, but I promised myself to work on my story today (I'm procrastinating obviously).
I want to buy a new desk chair--the one I have is not conducive to hours and hours of writing. Alas, I won't be able to get one for a few months, if that.
Is it weird that I'm already looking forward to Christmas?
My birthday is in 23 days--I'm feeling the effect of the years. I will likely be a spinster forever. No use in fighting it 'eh? Embrace the inevitable.
I have an odd fascination with apes.

Preparing for the New Semester

2009-08-18T18:27:00.000-04:00

School starts in like 12 days and I'm both excited and apprehensive about it. September is not supposed to be a great month for me, according to my horoscope, and yes, I do take the stars seriously. So... we'll see how it goes. It's odd that I likely only have a year of classes left. I could stretch it out through December 2010, if I want, to work on my thesis, but I could be completely done with an MFA by May, if I push it. I doubt that will happen. I've been thinking lately that this has been probably one of the most emotionally draining years of my life. My writing has slowed down to a trickle, compared to what I was producing before I applied for MFA programs. So I guess that's what caused this uncomfortable writing block--MFA application deadlines of December 2007 and January 2008. That's a really long time to not have fun.

Anyway... I'm reading an awesome book right now. I've never seen the movie "Big Fish" adapted from the novel by Daniel Wallace and I only picked up his book "Mr. Sebastian and The Negro Magician" because it had a pretty sweet cover (see right) and the back synopsis sounded cool. Taking such a chance, and literally buying a book for it's cover, I'm happy to say that I'm in love with Wallace's writing style. He has completely captivated me and I'm only about 70 pages in. I even picked up his other novel "Ray in Reverse" today at a used book store. There's something really magical about this book and his writing--puts me in the mood to write, which is a good thing, considering all I've said above.

It's like 90 degrees outside--or 10,000 degrees in my bedroom. I can't stand not having (or using, cause the house I live in has A/C they just don't turn it on until AFTER the house is like 1,000,000 degrees hot) air conditioner. Perhaps I'm spoiled by my Texas ways, where A/C is as important as heating oil. Honestly though... it gets HOT up here. I'm just glad the whole summer isn't like this. I think I can manage a few uncomfortable days, not a whole summer.

To do list before school:

Prepare "Jesus in a Confederate Flag" for round to submissions
Prepare "Simple Requests" and possible "Safe Haven" for round one submissions
Get my eyes checked.
Buy some good winter boots.
Write skeletons for two stories (for workshop)
Plan out 5-6 essays for memoir
Read, read, read
Watch as many summer movies as possible

Round Two?

2009-08-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

So, I heard back from The Paris Review today--no go on my story. I'm preparing for round two though. So I'll probably start researching journals to send to and edit a few of my other stories as well.

A Down and An Up

2009-07-30T18:52:00.000-04:00

So... I applied for this part-time job on campus at the beginning of the month and found out today (after a month-long process where the app pool was narrowed from 60 to 10 to 5 to 2) that I didn't get the job. The other woman got it because she's done the work before and wants to continue it for the next five years. I wasn't smart enough to come up with a job-related 5-year-plan that sounded smart. No, I said some fru-fru about... well, I won't even repeat it here because it's in the past and in retrospect it was completely and utterly ridiculous. I have an interesting reaction time to things. I read the email and was like "eh, no biggie" and then after about fifteen minutes I started to feel numb. Not a great feeling. Its kinda... slushy and vibrate-y with a side dish of oh-my-god-I-can't-work-three-jobs-and-do-school-full-time panic.

I did a few things to get back into the swing of things:

Applied for another on campus job (this one WITH benefits) who knows... in the words of Kermit the Frog himself: "I hope that something better comes along!"
Spent 15 very serious minutes looking through my notes on agents and publishers for my stories, and then pulled out the first chapter of one of my novels to work on it;
Considered self publication, comforted by the fact that I'm pretty sure I could sell at least a dozen copies with the prospect of 500 more;
Went to see Ice Age III: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (I give it an "A");
Grabbed a slice of pizza from the mall food court; and
Came home to find a SASE waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

I could just tell that it was a rejection waiting for me in that thin envelope--and it was. However, it was my first rejection with a little scribbled note telling me that the editor of the Missouri Review read my story "with interest." Good sign? Good sign. Waiting on three more journals: Tin House, McSweeny's and The Paris Review.

Update (as of 2 minutes after I posted this initially): Tin House rejected me by email. No nice little note. Sheesh. I should rename this post "two downs and an up."

As I move on to possible plan B's I've decided one thing: I've got to seriously get crackin on submitting my work. No more fear.

First Five Lines

2009-07-25T21:19:00.000-04:00

So, I have the book "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman (who also wrote an amazing book on punctuation called "A Dash of Style"--I recommend it to everyone) and while I have yet to read Five Pages, I can tell, through context clues, that the first five pages of your manuscript are important. [I will be reading this book soon.] I also think that, for me, the first five lines of a story, particularly a genre story, are equally as important. I'm not talking about the first five lines of a published book, I'm talking about unpublished, amateur writing--of people longing to be published. For example, my fellow writers on autonomy.com (a new site that I'm uploading stories too for feedback). I know whether or not I want to "watch" or "back" a story within the first few lines.

Anyway, this was my observation of the moment. Thought I'd share.

Favorite Summer Show

2009-07-25T17:38:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite summer shows is So You Think You Can Dance. And my favorite corogoraphers are Mia Michaels and Wade Robson. I've been surfing YouTube videos and came across this one of Wade's and I need to share it with everyone. So beautiful.

Nope

2009-07-22T15:46:00.000-04:00

AGNI, a journal published at Boston University, sent me an email rejection today. Waiting to hear from five more journals.... Hopefully it'll be a right fit for someone, or I'll get something more than just a generic form letter. I plan to update a few more stories and send them out when the reading periods open up again. Gotta keep trying.

Update (7/24):
Rejected from The Southern Review as well, received the letter today. Ummm... rejections kinda suck a little. Four more left.

Realizations and Tid Bits

2009-07-18T17:50:00.001-04:00

I'm starting to wonder if my constant doubts about this program are an intuitive sign that my heart has yet to get on board with. I should make a pros and cons list.

Updates on all that is me:

Saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was a good movie (long overdue) and there were a lot of things that I absolutely loved about the whole thing and a few things that I disliked (perhaps I'm too much of a purist). I will likely see the movie again (and will totally buy it--extended version and all--when it comes out in about six months. I predict a X-mas release), and maybe I'll like it more the second time around. So... I give it an A. Because, come on... it's Harry POTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTER! Hell ya.
I will be making .25 cents more an hour. Minimum wage went up. Commence sobbing.
I'm almost done teaching my summer class. This is the final week. It's been going well and I'll be happy to have it over with.
I'm currently reading The Alchemyst by Michael Scott (not affiliated with Dunder Mifflin, sadly). It's a bit slow moving at the moment. I only have two more weeks of July to read as much fluff as possible, so perhaps I'll move on to the next great thing. What that is, I don't know.
I'm writing off and on--what most in this program would call fluff. Been toying around with some monkey- and carnival-themed (separate ideas) stories for workshop this fall (pending my ultimate decision). They're pretty "out there"--we'll see. People might think me crazy, but it's coo'.
It's either the sun, the humidity, or the general mundaneness of my life, but I am a tad depressed. I feel like floating on a river of melted vanilla ice cream, face down, mouth wide open. Whhooooa is me.
Is it bad that while at work today I seriously considered the following experiment: Starve yourself for one week, just to see what it feels like. I then proceeded to have a cinnamon scone with my lunch, so the seriousness of this consideration is now a moot point.
I have big dreams but lack the motivation to make them realities. What are possible solutions to such a conundrum? Xanax?

Crap... enough with the Debbie Downer mood, right? Let's see if I can't cheer us all up a bit. How about a quote from my Jim Henson's Doodle Dreams book (he did the illustrations, Jim Lewis wrote the text. [I'm pretty sure that the picture to the right is the statue at the University of Maryland where Henson went to school. I've been meaning to get a picture here. Next time I'm in D.C.]

After a random page opening, here is the quote of the day (pretty fitting):

"You are where you are because that's where you need to be. And if you need to move on, you'll move on."

oooh, this is a good one too:

"When you take changes, you're going to fail. That's inevitable. You can either let failure turn you away from your dream or inspire you to dream bigger."

I'm a Survivor

2009-07-06T10:43:00.000-04:00

:)

Survived my haircut and I like it. It's probably closer in length to picture number two on the previous post. That's all I'll say about it for now--I may post a picture soon.

The End of a Hair-a

2009-07-01T14:42:00.000-04:00

Get it... a pun on "era"? Okay, enough of my quasi cleverness.

Friday morning, at 11am, I will be thrusting myself into the hands of a stranger. No romantic undertones here because that is not my life. No, I will be trusting a complete stranger with my scalp and the madness that emits from it daily. This is not the first time I've entrusted a stranger with the well-being of my hair, so I'm not nervous about that. I'm nervous about what I will be doing to my hair for the first time in twenty years: chopping it off to it's full, 100% natural state. Background information: I've chemically straightened my hair for at least 20 years now; sure those who know me in the physical (again, not a sexual undertone) sense know that my hair is curly, but with a little effort, thanks to the straightening process, I can straighten it out. Well... chemicals begone! I'm reaching back to my roots (pun intended) and I'm going natural. I'm scared out of my damn mind. Fear of the unknown and all that. Mostly fear because I'll likely have some in your face hair, which makes it hard to hide. So, it's very likely that I could look like any one of the feature photographs to the right. The thought makes me tingly with anxiety.

I don't know what to expect with all of this, I just know that I feel like I'm about to make a HUGE mistake. However, mistakes must be made to grow, right? Too bad it's such an in your face mistake. The hair might look cute if I was a bit more angular, as the women photographed here, but alas I'm round like the world. We'll see. No promises to post pictures here--unless I look fierce. :)

On to other news:

I'll be spending the holiday weekend in D.C. with my sister. It'll be pretty awesome spending the 4th of July in the nation's capital city! We'll see how close I can get to the White House.
Still haven't heard back from any journals regarding my story. My online status for two still reads "received," so that's a good sign (I hope).
I applied for jobs in Boston--full time jobs. Why? Because I can't live off what I make any more, I'm not receiving funding from school (I have some, but the debt out-weighs the free money) and it doesn't look like I'm getting anything additional. Probably shouldn't have stayed quiet about it, but honestly this school is f-d up and I'm fed up.
Current YA Novels: Ranger's Apprentice (currently reading, but slow going), Magyk, Jellicoe Road, and The Alchemyst. My goal is to read more "adult" things in August. It's nice thought to be able to recommend books to people when I work back in the kid's department at B&N--makes me feel worthy (in the eyes of YA anyway... not so much adults who probably think I should grow up).

Movie Madness Take Three

2009-06-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

So... I'm about to see the new Transformers movie. I'm a little worried... it's been getting bad reviews. Will update afterward.

Update: I'm back from the movie and I gotta say--I really liked it! It's a great summer action movie. Period. Don't expect Oscar-worthy acting. Don't expect the best plot in the world. Expect good action and great visuals. I'd see this again in the theater, and that's the first summer movie I'd consider seeing again for $7.50. Anyway, the movie was pretty good. I feel like the director really improved on the CGI transforming of the robots. I didn't feel like hurling or closing my eyes because it was too much. Great special effects, and some pretty funny parts.

Things I didn't care for:

Megan Fox's Character. What the critics are saying about her purpose in the movie is true (basically that she's there to make men and young boys horny). Her character is really flat and it's a shame that they use her that way. I cringed every time there was a "love" moment between her and Shia's character. Why? Because it's forced and overdone. Wow... that's very critique-y of me. I'll stop there. I gagged with the love stuff during the first movie too, but this time it seemed so much worse. To make matters worse, the director (Michael Bay) is quoted in a CNN article saying that ladies in the audience will be drawn in to the movie based on this love story between Megan and Shia. I take offense to that. I repeat: It was the WORST part of the entire movie!
The stereotypical twins. Two "gangsta" autobots. One had a gold tooth....... can you see where I'm going with this? Very disappointing and not very funny. Read about them here.

Besides those two things (the largest and most off putting, there were minor elements that I could have done without, but they're not big enough to mention here), the movie was good.

My rating: B+

Next up: Harry Potter VI... check it OUT!

Gray Skies and Rainy Weather...

2009-06-23T16:10:00.000-04:00

...and I still wouldn't change anything.

So... let me just start by saying that I made a great decision coming to this part of the country. Yes, it's cold here in the winter and the state has the highest death rate for black ice (according to my mother), but where else in the country (Pacific Northwest likely) is it 64-degrees in June (almost July)? It's 100+ degrees in Texas right now. Sorry to all my melting friends, but I am very happy where I am. I'm staying (at least in the N/E... my next stop will likely be Boston cause jobs are not raging in this area) indefinitely--or at least for 13 years (that seems to be my cycle).

Anyway... I'll stop bragging about my New England the weather.

I haven't heard from any other journals yet. I think about writing every day (haven't written a single word, sadly). I 've read a lot of young adult lately, and I'm REALLY enjoying it. Picked up two more books from the library. I started one and I may put it down because it feels a little too "teen," if you know what I mean. It's called: Prom Dates from Hell. *sigh* I know, I know... that was hard to admit. Don't judge me too harshly. The other seems a little more "literary" and it's called Jellicoe Road. I'm particularly curious about this story for a lot of reasons. The most important reason is the title of my thesis (a novel) will likely be "Alabaster Road" and I'm not quite sure if I'm going to be writing a literary YA novel or adult novel. So... I consider this research (not just based off titles, btw, but subject matter too).

Teaching Question: What do you do with a student who is obviously bored? Teaching is going well beside this one kid--I don't know what to do with him. Alas.

I'll be checking out Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen tomorrow sometime. Will post my opinion soon.

Rejected! :c)

2009-06-15T20:23:00.000-04:00

I received a form letter from Harper's Magazine today--declined. Shot down by a red scribbled signature (completely unreadable) of an editorial assistant. Oh well... I'll wait to hear from six other places with my fingers crossed and my expectations moderate.

Summer Days...

2009-06-11T20:10:00.000-04:00

I spent 4.5 hours preparing for my class today... now I'm at home, full of junk food, and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my night. My options: 1) write the next chapter of my side project (a novella), 2) work on revising a short story, 3) try to write a new short story, or 4) read. The possibilities are endless and I'll likely start reading a new YA novel. I finished The Graveyard Book and really enjoyed it. I'm contemplating buying it for my collection--but perhaps I should wait until it comes out in paperback. Although there's something wonderful about a hardback book. I shouldn't buy anything considering I have about $10 to my name (honestly)... until tomorrow that is. Gotta love pay days. The economy sucks right now too... not that I needed to remind anyone of that.

I should write tonight. I'll do that and watch So You Think You Can Dance (guilty summer pleasure).

Update on the story that I have swimming in the abyss (aka. journal slush piles):

I checked my online status for Virginia Quarterly Review and it said: "Submitted 15 days ago, and declined 15 days ago." I'm taking this to mean that I didn't meet the May 31 deadline (although I did submit it on 5/26, but maybe that's cutting it too close?). Or maybe they just turned it down outright. I wonder if I'll receive any other notification--my guess is probably not.

Working Up the Kid Inside of Me

2009-06-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've blogged (nothing new there). Since the last post, I've seen the new Pixar Movie "Up" and I've gotta say that the studio does it again!! While I'm not sure if kids would actually get the full impact of a story about a guy mourning the loss of his beloved (thus honoring her memory with one last adventure), there are plenty of amazing visuals and funny "kid" things (like the colorful bird and talking dogs) that will keep them entertained. The visuals for this movie--like its predecessors Wall-E and Nemo--were amazing. My favorite image was the colorful reflections/shadows of the balloons as they rose up into the air (especially a scene where a little girl is bathed in color as the balloons rise up past her living room window). I didn't see it in 3D (because I'm cheap and they make you pay for the glasses) so I can't attest for that version of the movie. Overall, beautiful movie.

My rating: A

Next up: 1) Angels and Demons, 2) Transformers, 3) Harry Potttttttttttttttttter!

Topic change....

So, I'll be teaching a 6-week writing workshop (for first-generation college students heading to PhD programs) starting next Tuesday and I'm in the middle of preparing for that, but I've made time to get in a lot of reading (mostly young adult). I think I'm reading young adult/teen books now because they're lighter than the literary fiction that I've been cramming my brain with the past 9 months. It's nice to take a break and enjoy something without psychoanalyzing it. The adventures are fun... reading these books is like watching a movie. I'm not saying that some adult fiction isn't this way, because it is. I'm just in a YA kick right now.

I'm currently reading the newest Neil Gaiman YA novel: The Graveyard Book.

I've got to tell ya, it's actually REALLY good. The best YA that I've read so far this summer (see below). There's something about the writing that's a bit spooky, a bit crafty, a bit literary, and there are PICTURES! Haha... I guess my mind really gets a break with illustrations, which is probably why I thumb through picture books when I should be shelving in the children's department at Barnes and Noble.

Here are the other YA books I've read:

The Percy Jackson and the Olympians (read the last three of the five book series)
Vampire Academy (three books so far) - These are the first books that I've read where there were major typos... very disappointing. The first book took about 200 pages for me to really get into (the first book is 332pgs). I think I like them better than Twilight though--not that they're better written or anything like that. I'm commenting on the story itself. The editors really need to get their act together with the typo thing... unacceptable.
The first book in the Pendragon series (there are nine total and I'm not sure that I'm going to be reading the rest after book one).

Next in line:

The Mortal Instrument Series, book 1: City of Bones
Stoneheart
Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment

I suppose I'm on a bit of a supernatural/sci fi/fantasy YA kick! Anything to take my poor literary abused mind on a fun adventure.

I'm also reading a few non-fiction books by Geneen Roth and they are completely amazing--perhaps life/habit changing. We shall see... won't get into them to much here.

This is the summer of reading, I suppose. I really should be working on my thesis (outlining it at least) or writing two new short stories to get a jump on next semester or writing a few essays (for the same purpose). But all I want to do is read... so I guess that's what I'll do for a little while longer anyway. If anyone has any YA recommendations, send them my way!

Movie Madness Take Two and Three

2009-05-28T19:54:00.000-04:00

So... I'm a bit behind in my posts about movies.

Since my XMen Origins report, I've seen Star Trek and Terminator Salvation. Both movies were good--nice entertainment (as all action movies should be). Action in Terminator is a bit more exciting than Star Trek, and story line--both are about equal I think. It's hard to tell whether or not I need to be a die hard fan for both movies. I could pick up subtle shout-outs to the old movies, but I still wonder HOW much of the old story line I need to make the films really connect. I had no problems with the plot lines however (some of my friends noticed a lot of holes, but I guess I fill them up or just didn't care). Or maybe I go into action movies like these with no plot/character expectations as one of my friends, I like to call him Captain Awesome, does. I just don't know--I like most movies (except one called Scourge, which was the WORST movie I've ever seen, and I only allowed my self to watch about 15 minutes of it).

Here are my reviews:

My Star Trek rating: B-

My Terminator Salvation Rating: B-

Next up:

Up
Angels & Demons

Round One

2009-05-26T20:55:00.000-04:00

Ding, ding, ding.

So, I bit the bullet (love those cliches!) and sent out a story from this year to a few journals (three so far, about to submit to two more). This is an expensive process, so while I was told to submit to 20 journals, I cringe and what that will do to my penny bank (literally, I'm working with pennies here). So, we'll see what happens, and of course I'll make updates on here. Maybe something awesome will happen.

Other news: none.

Still reading, doing some revising, thinking a lot about writing.

Summer Movie Madness

2009-05-12T23:46:00.000-04:00

And it begins!

So many good movies coming out this summer (or I'm assuming they'll be good). Tonight we started the rush with X-Men Origins. It's not as good as the first two movies (I don't remember much of the third movie, but I'll be watching them as soon as I can finish up this essay revision, which is due tomorrow). Do I recommend the movie? Yes, if you want to be entertained with lots of fun action and sexy actors (hellllllo Gambit!). No, if you don't like predictable plot lines (granted there were a few nice surprises), and semi-bad acting moments (lots of screaming/roaring anger shots).

My rating: C+

Next up:

Star Trek
Angels & Demons
Terminator Salvation
Pixar's "Up"

I will be going to matinees though... I can't afford $9.50 for each movie. Astronomical--I'm still cringing. I miss my College Station theater (and movie buddies).

Icing

2009-05-07T22:45:00.000-04:00

So today my department held an awards ceremony to honor academic smarties and good writing (poetry, fiction, and non-fiction). I submitted my Jesus in a Confederate Flag story, revised and edited, and I won the Dick Shea Memorial Award for fiction. I won an award. The first award ever for any of my writing. First time to get paid for a story too. :)

I was TOTALLY shocked when she said my name. I wasn't expecting it because of the company my story had. I'm surrounded by a lot of really excellent writers who I'm learning from every single day, I really didn't expect to win, which makes it so rewarding. I'm still a little shocked.

My name being called was a nice end to a crazy semester. :)

First book on the reading list: Richard Russo's "Nobody's Fool"

First Year Over!

2009-05-07T00:15:00.000-04:00

Holy crap... today was my last day of the first year of graduate school. I'm about to go to bed, but I thought that I'd blog and share the happy news. I made it (barely, it seems). I have one more revision to finish up and turn in by next Wednesday, but that should be relatively easy (I hope).

Goals for the summer:

1. Read a lot!
2. Write
3. Work on my thesis (outlining, planning, character development)
4. Work to pay the bills (boooo)
5. Try to relax a bit
6. Post on my blog more.

Another one bites the dust...

2009-04-28T19:44:00.000-04:00

So, I had my final workshop of the semester tonight, and it went really well. I received a lot of positive and helpful feedback. I often think my titles are so clever, but this one ("Where Unwanted Children Go" a story about an 11-year-old kid abandoned in a hospital) was shot down by several people, but it's all good. I agree that it gives too much away. I've decided not to post it though, since I'm going to be trying to get these things published this summer. But if you want to read it, let me know and we'll make that happen.

I'm totally thrilled to be done with workshop though--I'm still so exhausted with school. One more week though (thank God, cause I really am going crazy). I'm so stressed out that I've made myself sick. I'm a firm believer that you can speak things into reality, because I think I talked my body into contracting a cold (or pig flu, but let's not joke about that and let's just knock on wood right now). I'm glad the semester is nearly over too--I'm feeling better than I was a few weeks ago (about the program, etc.), but there is still a level of discontent within me. Mostly because I'm flying through this thing and I wanted a bit more time. Currently I'm trying to decide whether or not I should finish in May or carry on for one more semester to work on my thesis. Who knows--it's all too much money. Way too much.

That's all for now.

Ten Doors Closed

2009-04-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

I cannot catch a break. I really can't. Where are the opened doors for those slamming in my face? Why does being nice get you no where? I need summer--like now.

:c/

The Green Devil

2009-04-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

= Money.

I can't stand it... this huge crushing pressure that is all consuming. I can't breathe. I need to get with the program--I need to figure things out. I keep saying that something's gotta give, but maybe that something is me. I just know I can't keep working myself to the bone--literally. My bones hurt--my knee, my foot, my ankles, my back. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to talk about my knee pain (and more recent foot pain). I'm falling apart. A decrepit 27-year-old.

Too much weight--physical, metaphorical.

Not enough spirit--supernatural.

Lost hope--creativcal (not a word, but I was trying to make creative an "al" adjective. I want to keep my list parallel).

I'm looming on breakdown. Not in the mental facility sense, but in the--holy crap, I'm not going to class today or work tomorrow because I'm just going to lie right here, cuddled up within the glorious splendor that is my bed, and think about nothing. I will read nothing (worthwhile in the eyes of my peers anyway), I will watch nothing (substantial--maybe something with fast explosions and firecracker gun battles), and I will be nothing. But, I realize that sounds a bit fatalistic...... Bunnies! Chipmunks! Dwight Shrute! That last one got a bit of a chuckle out of me, so that's a good thing.

I have one more shot at slowing down--a possible GA position, that I likely won't get (boo pessimism... but I'm losing hope that I'll get any help from this school that I've uprooted my life for (a good thing)... money is just too scarce and I'm not favored for the position. I'll be shocked if I actually get it). After that--who knows.

I think it's a good thing that summer approaches. I'll be working my butt off still, but at least I won't have classes to worry about.

*sigh*

Sorry for the baah-humbug post, but I'm learning to vent in new ways.

And it starts again

2009-04-03T12:49:00.000-04:00

Today is the Prospective Student day for my program--lots of things to do and I'm still sitting in bed wondering if I should participate or not. It's not that I'm bitter about something and just don't want to go--it's more that I called in "sick" to work today and I'm afraid of being found out. Well, to be fair, I really was not feeling all that great--definitely drained and should a drained person REALLY be forced into seven hours of customer service? No, I think not. So I'm semi-sick. It's more of a mental thing, really, and it's raining and gray, which makes me want to curl up in this fabulous bed of mine and catch a little nap. But alas... I have too much work.

So anyway--the prospective people are currently lunching, probably on catered sandwich rolls, potato salad, chips, etc., and here I am in bed blogging and working on a paper for work. The month of April is going to be chaotic for me--I need to get into things now, which means that I probably shouldn't be socializing as much this weekend. Sigh. So we'll probably have at least 5 new fiction people for next semester--AND I've taken six classes already. Six of the ten that I need to graduate. I feel cheated out of the 3 year program that I thought I would have. I'll likely be finished by next December (if not May) and I'm starting to feel rushed. I haven't even been writing! I write when I have to, not when I want to, because I work so damn much just to stay afloat. I can't blame anyone but myself for this, however, but it sure is nice to bitch about it.

Other news: nothing to report. How sad.

Spring Break

2009-03-20T22:36:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've slept most of my spring break away. I was hoping to get out of town, but that didn't happen because I lost my cushiony tax refund (long story about back taxes that I didn't realize I owed). I suppose sleep was much needed though--I've been running raw the past several months. Three jobs and full time classes AND socializing with amazing friends really sucks away the time. I didn't have one of my classes for a few weeks back in February and it was blissful! I would love to take only two classes and really devote time to writing (which is why I'm in the program, right?). I could go part-time, but that would mean me giving up what very little funding I received (decisions went out last week and I didn't get anything additional) and as we all know, every little bit counts. Too bad what funding I do have requires full-time status. A friend of mine and her husband have a financial advisor--I'm wondering if I should find one to counsel me (probably just one session). I think I need the reality of my future slapped into my head with a 2-by-4. It's scary having to take on this debt on top of my other education debt and poor money decisions. Part of me wonders if it's really all worth it. It's a stress that really makes me crazy sometimes. Crazy enough to bite a friend's head off, which is not very attractive or fair.

Anyway, I've slept a lot, watched movies, and ate probably too much. I need to read another book before the weekend ends. I've started Holly Black's Ironside: A Modern Day Faery's Tale--maybe I'll try to finish that tonight/tomorrow. It's a pretty quick read.

Today I went to a beach in Maine--York Harbor Beach. It was freezing near the water (wind) but such a beautiful spring day! I've been told that today was the first of spring anyway. A few friends went with me and we hiked up a cliff trail and ate a picnic lunch in the sun. It was completely relaxing, if not cold (about 35 degrees and all I wore was a sweatshirt!). Now I'm getting back into the school work thing to prepare for next week. Blah.

(York Harbor Beach)

(The view from our picnic location)

So there was a boobed lady...

2009-03-12T22:46:00.000-04:00

...and I can't get her out of my head for some reason. This old (70?) woman with triple F boobs, singing and dancing. I kept watching this woman, with huge clam-shell pasties over her nipples, wondering... what on earth is this rated. My rating: B. Totally creepy movie--and Neil Gaiman is insanely creative (or maybe it's Henry Selick who wrote the screenplay).

I've Got Monkeys

2009-03-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Yikes. It's almost been a month! I am not too surprised by this though--I've never been really good at journaling, why should blogging be different? I'll try to get back on a roll though. Anyway, to start off my new dedication to the blog-o-sphere, here are some random tidbits from the past month:

Tom Perrotta (author of Little Children, The Abstinence Teacher, and Election) came to UNH to do a reading. I remember seeing parts of Election and remember the Oscar (right?) buzz around Little Children, but I'd never read any of his work before. He read from The Abstinence Teacher and I decided to buy the book and have him sign it for me. What do I think of him? He's cute as hell. Oh, and a good writer too. I watched Little Children with friends this weekend and I enjoyed that. I'm sure I'll like his books too, whenever I get a chance to read them.
Today I opened my bedroom windows for the first time in a few months. Fresh air smells amazing--or my room was just funky as hell. I love nature.
One night I came home around 4:45pm to learn that the people I live with were showing their house at 5:0o or 5:30pm (the same night). I've always known that they expressed some interest in selling this place, but I didn't know they were actively searching. I had to clean my room (it was funky, as stated earlier) SUPER fast. Not sure what's going to happen there, but it's likely that I'll be living elsewhere come summer time.
Cambridge is not happening. Unless there is some miracle to be had yet. I got a nice chunk of change from my tax refund, which I now have to use to pay back taxes that I didn't even know I had (taxes from 2007). Since I don't want to be a Snipes and because I don't want to have another debt to pay off in chunks, my refund from this year is going bye bye. Therefore, so is my plane ticket to England and spending money. Good bye blissful summer plans, hello shitty-job-of-the-near-future. Being a starving (things are that desperate yet, but they will be soon) artist is not glamorous.
I haven't done a single thing to work at getting myself published.
School is going well--very busy, as usual. I'm writing about identity in my non-fiction class (or my perceived lack-thereof) and I'm considering a story about a nurse who keeps portions of aborted babies in baby food jars lined up in her closet. I can't decide if I need therapy or not--or maybe I'm just tapping into my Steven King mind. Maybe it's stress. Or maybe it's Seasonal Affect Disorder, which I'm not sure I have or not. I did have another story idea about a man who chops up the body of his dead, obese wife (for reasons I have yet to pinpoint). Maybe my mind is shifting. Don't worry--I have yet to write about any of these things. I'm definitely not crazy. I don't think. But... maybe....
As stated before--today was the first day I could open my windows without turning Tri into a block of ice. It was about 45 degrees. Hello spring time!
My first workshop of the year is on Tuesday. I haven't decided if I'm going to post the story here or not yet. A few people have told me they liked it, so that's always a good sign. I like it a lot--I'm in love with the little boy I created. I also love that I was able to write a story (a love story really) without too many "dark" themes clouding over it. In regard to writing, I think I might know what I want to focus my thesis on. I'm still toying around with several ideas--so we'll see. I need to start revising my work so I can send it out to journals. Fear is suffocating.
I don't really have monkeys. Sometimes, I feel like there's this odd pressure on my back that makes me walk all hunched over and crushes my lungs. It's probably just the 30 hours I work each week and the 3 classes that I'm enrolled in. Maybe it's the two essays I have due on Wednesday. Maybe the 20-page paper I need to comment on for work. Or losing my tax refund (a meager financial cushion) to income that I haven't seen in two damn years. Or maybe it's finding out that a friend up here (who gives me AMAZING hugs every time I see him) has been hospitalized with blood clots in his chest. Maybe it's the never ending family drama. Maybe it's the fact that control is becoming an issue again. Or that I'm surrounded by winter disease and my hands are becoming dry at the amount of antibacterial gel that I rub into them every two minutes at B&N. Or maybe it's the fact that my "home" really isn't a home and I can't get comfortable. Maybe I just need a break.
There are six days before Spring Break and I don't know what I want to do. I no longer have a lot of money to do something really fun. I don't know, I'm tempted to go to D.C., but my sister has to work all week. And I'm tempted to just rent a hotel room for a night or two and just be alone. Tanya time. Who knows which one I'll choose.
My sister got to meet Michelle Obama at work this past week. According to her, Michelle is gorgeous, has really white teeth, and soft hands. I'm jealous. She'll get to meet Obama eventually too--super jealous about that.
I'm addicted to Harry Potter (now on audio book #5), which I listen to in my car. I don't think I've heard the radio in 3 months. So it's nice to be watching The Goblet of Fire on TV right now.
I'm also addicted to York Peppermint Patties (part of the control issue that I have).

That is all for now. Must get back to the work that's slowly piling up with the monkeys. Hope to blog again soon!

[Amendment]: We're supposed to get 3-5 inches of snow tonight. So much for it being spring.

Slacking

2009-02-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

Wow... I've been droppin' the ball in regard to this blog. I need to step it up.

The semester is going ok--very busy. I'm taking a nonfiction memoir course that requires a new essay/memoir out of me every few weeks. I have fiction workshop (first story due in 3 weeks) and Fiction Form and Technique, which I'm currently on the fence about (I'm not big on psychoanalyzing characters). And I work at least 30 hours a week. Throw in weekly social activities/hang-outs and I hardly any time to myself, which is probably why I've spent the entire day in bed watching Jane Austen movies and why I'm slacking on agent query letters. I am the queen of procrastination--sadly. Tomorrow I'll be swamped with work to prepare for workshop. Something's gotta give.

Some of my friends are heading of to Chicago for AWP this week. I'm sure I'm going to be missing out, but I have no money at the moment. I'd better start saving up for next spring's meeting in Colorado.

Cambridge update: I think I have the money to go! My tax refund will help me get a plane ticket and I'll have a little spending money, but I'll likely be broke in London too. I need to fill out the application by March 15 (more procrastination as a result of unreasonable fear). I'm still trying to decide if it's work spending a huge chunk of cash (at least $9 thousand) on a 5-week trip to England this summer. The trip pays for room and board, 2 meals a day, and 2 courses, which I would receive credit for. It's the opportunity of a life time and I probably won't get the chance to go again for a very long time (if ever). My only fear--what to do about Triton (my cat).

No other news to report. I'm completely overwhelmed with work and school.

Snow Day!

2009-01-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

Today is our first snow day at UNH--this storm is supposed to drop around 8 inches. I am THRILLED for this special snow day. I totally wasn't ready for either of my two classes that are supposed to meet today. I'm still working on my non-fiction memoir/essay (I'm really not sure what the hell it is or if it's even working) and I haven't read or written anything for my Fiction Form and Technique class. So--hooray for snow days!

New Semester

2009-01-20T13:14:00.000-05:00

Yay for inauguration day! I was very happy to be cuddled up in bed to watch President Obama take the oath of office.

So... my first class of the second semester starts in a few hours. I have yet to decide if I'm excited for this semester or not. I feel like I'm leaning toward the "not" for some reason. Probably because I didn't write very much during the break like I had planned. Another goal failed. Well... maybe not, I did write ten pages, so that's something. I think I need the pressure of the program to actually work on things. Anyway... one class today and two more classes tomorrow and then my school week is done.

We'll see if my excitement for this semester perks later. Maybe it will if I can sell my stupid grammar books back today.

Summer Plans... hopefully.

2009-01-07T14:46:00.000-05:00

So this summer I hope to be studying abroad in England. I'd take two courses, one in novels and one in travel writing (which I hear is pretty terrible, but with my journalism background, perhaps it'll be easy). The only way I can do this is if some money (about $10K) comes through--keep your fingers crossed! I really want to spend the summer away. I never did that as an undergrad and I sorta regret not having the experience. And it's England!! I have this odd feeling that I was from there in a previous life. Or maybe Jane Austen has just seeped herself right into my blood.

Who wouldn't want to study in a place like this: (Cambridge University)

Think good summer-in-England thoughts for me--I should know more by this weekend if this is going to be a possibility at all. It is very likely that if I go--I may never want to come back again (to visit of course, but to live....). Fair advanced warning, I'd say. Cheers!

A Struggling Love Affair

2009-01-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

Today I wrote. I have seven pages and a bit. I'm still climbing. I haven't written a single word since probably December 1. So, progress is being made.

The more I work on this new story, tentatively titled "The Awakening of Tyler Ross", the more I want to turn it into a novel instead of a short story. I know that I shouldn't tie a rope around the muse and strangle her, but... I don't know. Chapters in workshop don't really work out and my chapters won't stand alone (because are those really chapters or just short stories in themselves, tricking readers to believe that they're really chapters?). The more I sit around dreading writing, and the more I tell people that I need to write "for fun" and not "for school", I find myself wondering (as I have been the past four months): am I really where I should be? I think the overall answer to that question is yes. But it's difficult. Writing for fun and for school should be one in the same.

I think what it all comes down to is this: I do not like short stories!

I do not like them Sam I Am!

I don't know that I can get past this dilemma either. Maybe I need to read more of them to understand how they're done. But I do not like reading them either, Sam I Am!

I am a novel writer.

So, I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment--well, let's not kid ourselves, it's been a long-ass funk (approximately 10 months staring when I received my acceptance letter to UNH back in march). I'm writing tonight and I enjoy the story that is unfolding. And you know what... I'm not going to limit this one. I'm just going to let it flow and let it be. And maybe--just maybe--I'll fall back in love again.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2009!

2009-01-02T22:42:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!!!!! My goal is to write more and do so consistently. Starting... TOMORROW!

I spent the New Year in NYC... had an excellent time.

Other goals:

To be happy.
To get daily exercise (intentional exercise).
To write more.
To read more.
To be more timely.
To make lists and cross shit off those lists.
To be proactive.
To be less scared.

I survived!!! Now I will conquer the world...

2008-12-17T15:18:00.000-05:00

So, my friend woke me up this morning with one simple message: "Slow and steady wins the race." I had been snoozing (oops) and had no idea what he was talking about. And then I looked outside and saw my world blanketed in glorious white snow. And then I saw the little slope to my driveway and felt a tad apprehensive. He offered to pick me up for work, and for a second I seriously contemplated that. And then I said no. I knew I couldn't put off driving in snow and other crappy weather forever. It's always the first step that's the hardest. So I drove, and I learned winter. Picture: My backyard--winter wonderland!

Here is what I learned:

What it feels like to have the tires skid (it happened a couple times and I was going about 5mph).
That I have a fancy indicator light on the console that tells me when my tires have lost traction.
That my car will beep loudly if I really start to skid.
That it's important to sweep snow off the back part of my roof before opening the door (or suffer a huge pile of snow in my trunk).
That I need to leave a half hour early when it's snowing (maybe even an hour).
That I should never leave my good gloves in the car.
That I should put on said gloves before sweeping snow and chipping ice (no matter how cold I think they are because they've been in the car all night, because snow is cold).
To sweep snow away from my body.
To zip my coat all the way so that I don't sweep snow down my chest again.
That slow and steady really does win the race.
That I hate not being able to see the road clearly.
That it is important to really de-snow, de-ice the windshield wipers.

I felt like a powerful bad ass driving. It's always an awesome feeling when you realize that you can do something, no matter how scary it is. Note to self.

Cold Hearted Ice Storm

2008-12-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

So, I've been without power for two days. Luckily I had a friend who had heat and let me bring my cat to her place. It is good to be back home though--I felt so displaced before. I didn't take any pictures because I was so nervous about driving in the aftermath (no sweat, just 20 minutes of ice scraping and slow driving)--these are some pictures that I found to give you an overall idea of what the place looked like Friday morning. It's really quite beautiful, if you look past the 300,000+ displaced and freezing people. If (and possibly when) I move up here permanently, I'm getting a home with a fire place, wood stove, or something that doesn't require electricity to keep me warm.

My landlord (I don't know what else to call them, because roommate definitely isn't it) said that this is the worst ice storm in history. Dover history? I'm not sure if she was talking about all of New England or just Dover. Who knows. It was insane. I remember waking up several times in the middle of the night hearing what sounded like gunshots and ice blocks sliding off the roof. The gunshots were actually tree branches snapping off under the weight of the ice. The next morning there was a 10 foot branch (about five inches thick maybe) laying across the top of my landlord's boat. Insane. My car was safe, but that would have really sucked.

Anyway--I have heat and am back in my own bed. Life rocks.

Tag, Your It

2008-12-11T23:10:00.000-05:00

What were you doing five years ago?

1. Graduating with a B.S. in Journalism (complete B.S. too)
2. Hiding -- from lots of things (still hiding).

3. Wishing I wasn't in Texas.

4. Preparing to start a M.S. in Science and Technology Journalism, because what else was there to do?

5. Writing inconsistently.

What are five things on your list for today?

1. Go to work.

2. Go to a party.

3. Read.

4. Sleep.

5. Eat.

What are five snacks that I enjoy?

1. Hummus (it's a new thing!)

2. York Peppermint Patties (my cocaine--I actually need to stop)

3. Cheese and crackers

4. Popcorn

5. Pretzels

What are five things that you'd do if you were a billionaire?

1. Pay off my debt

2. Pay off debt for a few family members (only once and only a few)

3. Travel the world

4. Buy love (haha, just teasin)

5. Go back to school--maybe psychology this time

What are five jobs that you've ever had?
1. Candle Maker

2. Book Shelver
3. Assistant Editor (aka, graduate assistant)

4. Communications Specialist (aka, look at Perez and bother E all the time)

5. Writing Assistant

Who are five people that you want to tag?

1. Angie
2. Esther (in comments!)

3. Becca

4. Eileen and/or Margosita

5. Whoever else reads and feels like doing it!

Icy Tidbits

2008-12-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

I'm a wimp. I totally bowed out of driving in ice for the first time today, which was probably a smart decision. I'll get my chance tomorrow when I have to head to work at 8am.

Today was my final day of grammar class and I totally skipped it. My friend graciously dropped off my final paper to my professor. There was no way I was going into campus today with this crappy weather. My only regret is that I missed a fun holiday party for work. Sadness. My dad says that I'll have to learn to drive on the ice on my own, since it was my choice to move up here. I find this ironic for unspecified reasons--maybe I'll explain one day. Maybe in a memoir.

I've been struck by this ominous feeling that I'm going to get into trouble on the roads; a morose feeling that I'm going to kick the ice bucket this winter. I know. I know. It doesn't help that my mom decided to tell me at Thanksgiving that New Hampshire has the smallest crime rate, but the deadliest black ice problem. And it didn't help when the people I stay with mentioned that their driveway is a bitch to get out of (there's a slight slope--I'm positive that I'm going to come careening down it one day and hit their parked boat). Ice is worse that snow, they say. Oh well, Dad's right--I wanted this, I'm gonna deal with it.

[Side note: Ever seen the movie Shallow Hal... nice idea, but a complete fairy tale.]

Anyway, I thought that I should try to blog a summary of semester number one. Here's what I learned:

I mentally shut down at the word "psychology" when used in regard to characters in my stories. Never ask me "What's the psychology of your character Tanya?" If you do, I'll likely curl up into a small ball and whimper until the bad word goes away. I remember the first time it was uttered by my workshop professor; I recoiled to the inner me, all trembly and weak feeling. I didn't realize that we'd be talking stories on such a deep level. He probably said psychology about 20 times that first class--along with explaining his desire that we find the "you in you". Double whammy. That first workshop class (and most of the others) left me completely confused. What in the hell was happening here? These workshops weren't going to be about story structure and sentence critiques? It took a few classes before my friend looked at me and said "you really don't like that word do you?" I didn't realize that "psychology" was making me freak out in class. Anyway, overall the workshop experience was tiring. I'm looking forward to next semester so that I can compare my workshop experiences with a new professor.

I worked WAY too much this semester to really apply myself in the classroom. I worked three jobs for about 30-35 hours a week and took three classes. I completely stretched myself thin. I'll do better next semester when I become a "list" girl and get my crap together. Time management, that's what it's about.

We UNH MFAers like to socialize. Since school started I don't think there's been a single weekend (with the exception of holiday weekends when I went to see my sister) that I wasn't doing something with someone from the program. Tomorrow night is our end of the semester "dance" party. People really do dance. I watch by the outdoor fire. There may be no fire if it's icy tomorrow night.
Grammar is not fun. Well, it would be fun without the tedious assignments and projects that grad students really don't have the time for in the end. I half-assed that class--I hope to make a B (maybe he'll be nice and give me an A after that horrendous class on Black English Vernacular).
I need more space.

I registered for classes for next semester: Workshop, Memoir Workshop and Fiction Form & Technique. I suppose after next semester I could possibly quit the program and only be out $17K. That proably won't happen. I actually may only have to be here for two years instead of three--they're making some changes to the program (chopping off one workshop requirement). I'm looking forward to next semester, but I know it's going to be packed with reading and writing. I might try packing up my TV and movies to keep myself from being destracted (haha, that's not happening). Next semester is going to be about focusing and reclaiming my passion for writing--passion that is slipping, likely because I'm so damn tired all the time.

I'm determined to not allow workshop to suck my soul out for another semester.

I come from the water...

2008-12-07T23:01:00.001-05:00

This is my favorite Muppet skit... memories. This makes me happy and warm. I love Muppets. Know this about me.

Harry Belafonte - Turn the World Around (ep314)

Enjoy!

And the following is just great too:

Another:

First Snow

2008-12-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

I know... I know.

Silly Tanya the Cat Lady... but how cute is he?!

Triton's First Snow

Reading Out Loud

2008-12-02T22:06:00.001-05:00

I hate reading out loud and I have to do it tomorrow in class. My classmates will have to suffer through another long story. I'm liking it though--just posted it here under "My Writings".

I need to start working on my other writing--I feel so neglectful.

Oh the horror of workshop...

2008-12-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

Workshop strikes again. It's like an unsexy vampire, bleeding me of my life force (aka creativity), leaving just a sack of fat-laced bones. Oh the horror.

[Oh... happy belated Turkey Day. I hope yours was as full of family drama as mine.]

I think I've pinpointed what exactly I dislike about workshop: How I feel stupid immediately afterward. I feel like I give these off the wall, pointless reads for peoples stories, often times completely missing the mark. I hate that I feel so useless--they probably look at my comments and then toss them over their shoulder with grunt. It's exhausting being (or feeling) this stupid. Stupid Kanya (inside joke between me and a spoon)! I have one more week of workshop and then a long, much needed, winter break.

During break I hope to do a few things:

Think seriously about my novel and send letters to agents (or publishers). I cannot put this off any longer. My friend sent me this great quote this weekend: "Good novels are written by people who are not frightened." (George Orwell). I am frightened... but I won't be soon.
Write more short stories to prepare for the next round of workshop, and hopefully stop writing about creepy, dark things. As one guy in class wrote in his note to me: "You definitely have a bead on whacky mothers and taboo subject matter -- rape, incest, etc.". Geesh, how oddly creepy of me. I worry that I'll be typecast as the "girl who writes about molestation and rape" because a couple of my stories did have such undertones. I'm not as concerned with people perceiving me as an abused adult writing their life into their fiction as I am about the "dark and creepy" aspect of my writing. Why does it need to be dark to be "literary" (as my mind interprets it). Why, oh why, couldn't I write my circus love story instead? Shit, even that had dark themes about malformed fire breathers and self hatred. I'm starting to wonder if these reoccurring themes in my writing are a product of my subconscious screaming.
Work a lot because I'm super broke right now :(.
Work on driving in the snow (eep!)

I have to read "Jesus in a Confederate Flag" out loud on Wednesday. I'm working on it... I think it's OK, but we'll see. I'm trying to make it 10 pages, but honestly, that's not going to happen.

Thanks for listening to me blab.

Picture explanation: Sometimes you just gotta let go and read some steamy stuff.

Brain Sucker

2008-11-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

Why does workshop leave me with this dissatisfied, souls-just-been-sucked-out-and-stomped-on feeling? And I wasn't even workshopped today--that comes next week (story posted). I think part of my problem is that I read my story for next week again, after I'd already passed it out, and found LOTS of places that could have been cut or tightened up. I hate turning in sub-par things. And I'll hate hearing the same-ol' same-ol' next Monday. I feel like I'm one of the weaker writers in the program, which may or may not be true. I just feel like no one's giving me their true and honest to god responses, and then whisper behind my back.

Okay--paranoia passing. Passing..... passing. Past.

But still, I feel like my creative juices have been sucked clean out of my body. At this point--writing is not fun. And that makes me feel all sick inside.

Keith Olbermann's "Special Comment" on Prop 8

2008-11-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine here at school sent me a link to this video. It's pretty powerful and I agree 100% with the words--the message. Many of my friends and most of my family probably won't agree or feel the same way I do, and that's fine. All I ask is that they listen. We're human first--before anything, before religion, before race, before sex. It's time we start treating one another that way.

Special Comment

I got chills... and they're multiplyin'

2008-11-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

If I still lived in Texas on November 4th, Austin would have been the place to be. That's the only city I'd live in if I were to go back. If you want to watch some more inspiring Obama watch-party videos click here. [Georgetown University and American University are pretty awesome.]

Austin, Texas

It's Dark at 4:30... Do You Know Where Your Sanity Is?

2008-11-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

Tidbits from Tanya Land... the scariest place on earth:

I go to Subway a lot.
The semester's winding down and it's really weird. I have five more assignments that I need to turn in and then I'm done. We're already pre-registering for the spring--I'm looking to take a memoir class. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It'll be difficult to write about myself, but I'm really looking forward to it.
I need to buy some boots. I probably shouldn't have bought a CD of Christmas music by Josh Groban (ooo la la, he's got a great voice) or the movie "E.T." Impulse buys in a moment of pure emotional weakness. So worth it.
I'm being hard on myself because I wanted to write only new stories to submit for workshop and I made a decision last night (fueled by my horoscope that said I should choose to partake in happy activities to remain in a blissful emotional state) that I would submit one of my application pieces instead. It's definitely a load off my creative mind, but I still feel like a slacker.
I suck at time management. I probably need to give up my Wednesday shift at Barnes and Nobel, BUT we are in a time of economic crisis and the money is somewhat decent (not really, but I like working there because I don't have to think about anything).
My friend and I are going to write a vampire novel together. He wants "to make millions" and considers writing popular fiction selling out (in a way). I don't consider it selling out--I consider it my calling. I think writing it will be a lot of fun and we have a kick ass idea that will definitely sell (I'm always overly optimistic), but part of me doesn't want to do it to keep him from "selling out". It's a dilemma. And yet... it was his idea. He'd had a few beers though. I'm still testing him, which probably isn't too fair. When we start writing chapters I'll believe. At this point, I'm stealing from Mulder: "I want to believe."
Reading Flannery O'Connor is definitely interesting. I had to have my professor sign my pre-registration form and she asked me what it was like reading O'Connor (who drops the N-bomb every paragraph). My response: In the context (she was writing to her time) I'm tolerant of it, but I don't like it at all. It's such an ugly word--spoken or unspoken. I told her that I have friends who would pitch a royal fit. And although I hate the word passionately--I find myself shrugging. I don't have time for ignorance, and I'm not going to waste my time on other people's ignorance. I don't know. She wanted my opinion as the "token". I'm an altered token though. Oh well, we should all hate that word.
Speaking of... is anyone else alarmed at the increased reporting of KKK activity (I'm an avid CNN.com reader). This scares me. I'm scared for the Obamas--and my sister too. Cause ya'll know those nut jobs will take posts outside the White House to protest and my sister works like a block away. She talks to secret service outside her building and they said they're concerned for Obamas daughters (kidnappings). Obama better put those kids in private school--safety first, damn the "politics".
I may be displaced come Christmas. I don't know what I want to do yet or where I should go. My housemates' son is coming home with his girlfriend. Where the hell are they going to sleep? And if I did go somewhere else for the holiday, do I want them crashed out in MY room? Hell to the no.
I really should be doing homework now.
It gets dark at 4:30pm here. What the hell. I feel like I should be passed out by 7pm. It's VERY strange... and I'm not sure if the perpetual darkness has messed up my emotions. I did buy ET.... hmmmm.

New Story

2008-11-06T01:34:00.000-05:00

Wow, Wednesday night rocks again! I think it's something about my Chekhov/O'Connor class that gets the juices flowing, because I always come home and write for several hours (about six) and come up with a draft. My working title for this story: "Jesus in a Confederate Flag" (It's a Flannery O'Connor inspired story.) I know, it's a pretty quirky title--I'll post the story in a few weeks, I'm sure.

One draft down, one more to go--unless I use this story for workshop. Yay for Writers Writing Wednesdays.

History In So Many Ways

2008-11-05T01:18:00.000-05:00

I just watched history tonight.

This is not history just because the man is the first black president of the United States of America; although, that ranks up at the top. [Sadly many won't be able to see the importance of this fact alone.] This is history because of Obama's ability to inspire, motivate, and lead hundreds of thousands (millions) of people. And he will lead with grace and power.

I just hope half of this country can look at things with an open mind and really see the potential in his (and our) youth. We--as young people--rocked this vote. We made this happen. The next four (eight) years are going to be an interesting ride. Yes, he will have bumps along the way--this will undoubtedly happen. However, this is a man who held his composure through countless character attacks, false accusations, and death threats. This is a man who will have his life (and the lives of his daughters and wife) threatened by racists every day of his presidency. This is a man who might die for us--for our country, as several great change makers of our history (American history) have died. This is a man who will pull us out of this trashy place we have somehow created. I'm happy to put my faith and trust in a younger senator from Chicago.

Never underestimate youth.

Congratulations to President Barack Obama!!!

Why Can't I Write?

2008-11-03T21:25:00.000-05:00

I met with my workshop prof after class today and confessed that I wasn't writing much. That I'd gone away from just sitting down and writing about things to planning it out before hand; thinking themes and symbols and plot points. I am not having fun. He said he wants me to stop editing first and just write--just sit down and type out 50 pages of whatever and then trim it down. That would be nice--if possible. I'm sure it is possible--I'm just stuck on themes and other "literary" ideas, and find other things to do. Like watch CNN in preparation for tomorrow night (so exciting!! Go Obama!) or try to find illegal downloads of HBO's True Blood online (very doable, but crappy quality), or read trashy books that make me dumb. This weekend I calmed my jittering need-for-normal-reading cravings, unearthed my fun book from amidst the smarties on my nightstand, and read the entire thing in about 6 hours.

Want to know something sad?

This program has made me smarter. The book did nothing to root me in--whatever I was seraching for in even reading it.

I know, I know... learning from a MFA program isn't a bad thing. I was just bothered by it because I was reading the book (by one of my favorite authors) and finding myself commenting on the writing as being "below par". God, what a snob I've become! Now, it's completely plausible that said author just had crappy luck with this novel (which happened to be a retelling of a previous story from another person's POV), but I wonder if I am not in some way polluted by this program. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing... I don't want to become a snob. One of those people who look down on the average reader and the average book as if they're trash (some people here are like that and it makes me cringe each and every time they say something about the avearge reader or make remarks about best selling authors). Why is wanting to write books for the general public considered selling out? Why do you feel most of the books out there now are poorly written? What makes them poorly written? God, it's exhausting. I just want to write like I did back when I was working (or not working). But... I'm positive that almost every person I've met up here so far would look down at the last 1.5-2 years of my writing. Maybe I'm making too many assumptions--I don't know, it's just this general feeling I get (not from everyone, but a vast majority for sure).

I still wrestle with whether or not I'm in the right place. Whether or not I should be shelling out so much money on such a program. It's still a gamble. It's paying off in that I am learning (possibly at a subconscious level) and I do enjoy my classes and all the people I've met. But... is it right for me? My prof told me I'm writing at a Jedi Level 6. Please do not ask me what it means because I have no idea. (Perhaps Jedi Level 6 is what Yoda's reading to the right?!?!) Maybe it's better than that.... It seems like a nice level to be at and he was complimentary of parts of my work. But I just sat there staring at him while wondering just how many Jedi levels there are in writing fiction. Am I at six of 1,000,000? Six of 10? I should have asked him to specify. I also got the sense that he was telling me to be more proud of my work? That I should have a bigger ego about it? I got that sense. He picked up that I can be (am) too hard on myself. Shit--my poker face is slipping. Or he's just a fellow Empath and watches me a bit too keenly.

**Must... hide... true identity...** <--said in a struggling manly superhero voice.

So anyway, I can't write tonight.

I think it might have something to do with the atmosphere of this place, this bedroom and my unbelievable way of letting shit pile up all around me. I'm staring at a load of clean clothes right here occupying the empty side of my bed with a loathing hate (for many varying reasons, I suspect). Why can't they just put themselves away? I guess it doesn't matter, I'll just drop them onto the clean pile in the basket by the bed (where they'll remain until the weekend when it's time to wash again). Gosh, I'm rambling tonight. It sorta feels nice--therapeutic in a way. Sorta like how York Peppermint Patties have become my drug of choice the last few weeks. And you know what else? I can't find my copy of Sydney White--yes, I know it's a cheesy movie, but it's cute and I've been craving it since I moved up here. I know that the moment I buy a new copy the old one will jump out and yell "har har, got you to spend more money that you didn't have!" That happened with a vampire novel that was hiding one of my many purses--I found several months after buying a new copy (right as I was about to move up here actually).

What does all this mean? Besides my need to ramble about--I'm not sure. Avoidance mainly--to keep me from writing my circus love story that will likely be dark and moody. I am dark and moody--literally and emotionally.

Snow is coming soon. I guess I can look forward to buying more winter gear and some needed boots. I can also look forward to February 2009's AWP Conference in Chicago--a few of us are road tripping out there. Other MFAers, check it out!

Second Workshop Over

2008-10-27T18:41:00.001-04:00

So, my story was workshopped today. Overall, it went really well (much better than the first time around), so yay! There are definitely places where I could work things out more (naturally) and I'm still telling. :( But maybe there was less telling in this one? I'll schedule a time to meet up with my prof to see, but he wasn't the only one to say that some things could be cut. I'm learning though and I guess that's the important thing.

I'm trying to think of what else to post about--there's a bit Halloween/sleepover/birthday party on Friday. I'm totally looking forward to it. I bought an afro wig for the occasion--very psyched about it. I could probably tease up my own hair to make a ginormous afro, but I don't want to deal with the after effects. I have a big grammar assignment due on Thursday, but I just feel like watching some TV or reading a novel. I should start writing my next story, but I have yet to be inspired.

Whew!!! Thank God That's Over!

2008-10-22T18:56:00.000-04:00

So, I just read my Chekhov inspired short story, "Baby Dolls" (posted with the other stories to the right). I was nervous about reading it out loud and could totally hear a tremble in my voice. But I managed and it went over pretty well. I still haven't decided if I'm going to use this story for my third workshop--I want to write another one. We'll see.

About Chekhov (thanks Wikipedia!)

Anton Pavlovich Chekhov (January 29 [O.S. January 17] 1860 – July 15 [O.S. July 2] 1904) (Russian: Анто́н Па́влович Че́хов, Russian pronunciation: [ɐnˈton ˈpavləvʲɪtɕ ˈtɕɛxəf]) was a Russian short-story writer and playwright, considered to be one of the greatest short-story writers in world literature.^[1] His career as a dramatist produced four classics: The Seagull, Uncle Vanya, Three Sisters, and The Cherry Orchard; and his best short stories are held in high esteem by writers and critics.^[2]^[3] Chekhov practised as a doctor throughout most of his literary career: "Medicine is my lawful wife," he once said, "and literature is my mistress."^[4]
Chekhov renounced the theatre after the disastrous reception of The Seagull in 1896; but the play was revived to acclaim by Konstantin Stanislavsky's Moscow Art Theatre, which subsequently also produced Uncle Vanya and premiered Chekhov’s last two plays, Three Sisters and The Cherry Orchard. These four works present a special challenge to the acting ensemble^[5] as well as to audiences, because in place of conventional action Chekhov offers a "theatre of mood" and a "submerged life in the text."^[6]

Chekhov had at first written stories only for the money, but as his artistic ambition grew, he made formal innovations which have influenced the evolution of the modern short story.^[7] His originality consists in an early use of the stream-of-consciousness James Joyce and other modernists, combined with a disavowal of the moral finality of traditional story structure.^[8] He made no apologies for the difficulties this posed to readers, insisting that the role of an artist was to ask questions, not to answer them.^[9] technique, later adopted by

Now, thankfully, our class is moving on to study Flannery O'Connor. I'm looking forward to this change of pace and what type of story I may be inspired to write after spending a few weeks reading her. I've been told that she has some wild stories--crazy Southern woman. This should be interesting...

Second Workshop Story

2008-10-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

Today I turned in my second workshop story: "Kiko's Baby" (posted to the right). Who knows how it'll go--I took the suggestions made toward my last story and applied them here as best I could. I like the story (although I worry a bit about the end and if it's strong enough), but that doesn't mean anyone else will. I'm trying not to worry about that right now--I'm just trying to write a little more than I have been lately.

Other news:

I need to manage my time better so that I can write for class and for fun (cause trust me, writing for class at this point hasn't be as fun as I would like it to be).
It's getting cold (dropping down into the 40s)--I love it.
I've been feeling a bit stressed out and sad for some reason--grrrrrr.
I have an unhealthy addiction to brown sugar Pop Tarts and York Peppermint Patties--it's time for me to give them up cold turkey. They're becoming comfort foods. Delicious... delicious comfort foods.

My workshop prof wants me to write non-fiction stories and just change the names to make them fiction. I don't know how I feel about this... please weigh in.

Part of me doesn't like it because it's just too damn personal and I don't feel like spouting out all of my business to a group of people who are still strangers to me in many ways (even though we hang out every single weekend, which is amazing) on a public blog. And I don't like mixing the genres--fiction and nonfiction. I think part of it the privacy thing, but I think another part of it is my journalism background. You can't put fiction into non-fiction, so why is the reverse okay? Some people say that all fiction is non-fiction. I would disagree and agree with parts of that. I do put parts of myself in my characters, but I have never written a story that completely reflects my life and called it fiction. There's just something wrong about that. He wants us to write in a voice similar to Jamaica Kincaid's in her short story "Girl". He wants us to write in a voice (or voices) of our parent(s)--what they told/taught us. I can do this, but everything that I would want to write is somewhat negative, and that bothers me. I haven't decided if I'm going to write my revealing expose yet. I need to think about it more; wait for someone else to post.

I read my Chekhov story out loud on Wednesday. I'll post it here sometime this week. I don't want to read out loud.

Fall Time Is The Right Time

2008-10-17T00:05:00.000-04:00

"The Lorax" - Dr. Suess (1971)

"Mister!", he said with a sawdusty sneeze, "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues, And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs"

He was very upset as he shouted and puffed --"What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?"

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

Catch! calls the Once-ler.

He lets something fall.

It's a Truffula Seed.

It's the last one of all!

You're in charge of the last of the Truffula Seeds.

And Truffula Trees are what everyone needs.

Plant a new Truffula.

Treat it with care.

Give it clean water.

And feed it fresh air.

Grow a forest.

Protect it from axes that hack.

Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back.

Now all that was left 'neath the bad-smelling sky was my big empty factory...

the Lorax... and I.

*No promises that wikiquote got this one right. The fall here is absolutely beautiful--I really can't get over it and I wish I had more time to be in it. I'm slowly discovering that I like nature--woods, trees, leaves, grass, the smell of winter, cold air. One of my classmates wrote a story about blighted trees, which can be caused by beetles and other parasites. I will be devastated if it starts here--or anywhere else (it's rampant in Colorado now). Very sad.

Tidbits from Tanyaland

2008-10-10T15:42:00.000-04:00

Howdy blogland!

Just felt like conducting some random blogging since I am not working, for the moment. Please be forewarned that this is going to contain LOADS of random thoughts.

It is definitely fall here (whoop, whoop <-- an Aggie thing); the temperature has been in the mid-sixties during the day and into the low fifties at night. It's glorious. Do people still say "glorious"? It really is Fierce (as Christian would say). I need more sweaters and stuff, but I've decided to put myself on a shopping freeze starting tonight after I see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (which will cost me $9.5o... damn East coast... high movie tickets are the one drawback of this place). Well....... I think I'm going to buy a slow cooker too, so after I get that (and a slow cooker cook book) I'm done. Economy is in a recession--so is Tanya.

Working at B&N is still fun for me. Too bad I work with a bunch of guys who like talking fantasy football and Dungeons and Dragons all day. Not lying! One guy (who wears the exact same outfit every day, but is a generally nice and helpful dude if you can get past the wafts of B.O. and stale cigarette smoke) has been sick the past few days so I haven't heard endless convos about how XXX running back sucks and how XXX quarterback can't throw for shit or how XXX magical power will not slay thy dragon (whatever the hell those DD people say--it's all Dragon speak to me). It's been quiet in The Nobel. My shifts are spent shelving books (getting pretty good at it most days), working the register, putting away new merchandise, and helping customers find books. All enjoyable, mind numbing tasks.

I've realized that I don't like to think... aka, I'm lazy as hell. Stupid brain needs to kick out of daydream land. I need to find the "serious" lobe and massage it so I can start thinking smartly and contribute to smart discussions on Chekhov (soon to be O'Connor). Me no like think.

I bought a Julia Quinn book this week. It's calling to me, but I'm afraid that if I read it I will only become dumber. Like it will suck out the small amount of smart activity buzzing around in there. It's buried under the "smart" books on my nightstand--but it beats louder. *sigh*

Lately I've been wanting my own place. I miss entertaining, which is impossible in my room. So, I'm still deciding if I'm going to move out next summer or not. I can't beat this price.

I've managed to write a few days this week (up from my normal Wednesday night jottings). I'm working on a story about dead gorilla babies. I want it to be good, but I just read a classmate's story and now I don't want to write anymore. The program is not getting easier for me (in this mental war that I have going on)--I constantly wonder if I'm in the right place or not. Like my Quinn book--Estela, Moo, Daisy, Penny and so many others are drumming away. They're upset with me. I am upset with me too.

I just bought a ticket for D.C. for Turkey Day (glad I got that in before my spending freeze!). I'm excited about this as my little sister just became a real-life grown up and purchased her own house. I will help her spend money to decorate it, cause Lord knows she needs my help. I will see my mom and dad and other little sister too, so that'll be nice. I hope I'm able to make it to the Library of Congress. I want to smell old books. I should go hang in the Dover library later. Nah... I'll probably watch Iron Man again.

[Warning gross info to follow]: I'm sick again. Swallowing snot is not fun.

I just realized that I will need to lift my spending freeze in order to buy snow boots. Maybe I should get some online today--I've heard that L.L. Bean makes a mean pair.

There is this sweet lady at B&N who I only work with when I'm at the register (she's about 400 lbs and can't walk around because of bad knees). She's the sweetest thing; gives me lotion for my ashy hands. And everytime she has to get up, she grunts and moans: "Ohhhh rigor mortis!"

My cat has been extra needy lately and yet I push him away. That's not fair of me. I'd be devastated if I were him. Sometimes we just need a cuddle, right?

I made an 83 on my first grammar assignment. My feelings: Alright! I'm just glad it was a B, but the rest will be As. Grammar is generally a fun class for me--lots of discussion. I feel like I'm learning things that I should have learned in high school. Perhaps it'll be the same way with literature?

Okay, that's enough for now... we're all caught up.

Fall Weather

2008-10-06T19:33:00.000-04:00

I feel like I need to post something here. So here's a picture of the leaves changing colors outside the building where I work and have classes.

Everything else is going the same--still and probably will stay this way for a while. At least the leaves are pretty.

My Place

2008-09-30T15:09:00.000-04:00

So... we have this UNH MFA blog for school that I post to on occasion. Our professor asked us to talk about a favorite place (or maybe just any place) of ours. I like what I wrote there so I'm posting it here so I'll have it in the future. I think it's inspired me to write the prologue of a novel for my next workshop class.

"A Ruined Place"

I have just realized, somewhat sadly, that I don’t have a special place of my own. No special childhood camp grounds or vacation spots, no monumental places from adolescence, and nothing that tugs at my heart from the start of adulthood. And I have had no place that feels like home—although New Hampshire is sort of growing on me at this point—so I can’t write about that. All of the places I’ve lived have been have been decided by someone else (with the exception of Dover)—I was born in Nebraska (had no say in the matter) and then was uprooted from familiarity and shoved into the foyer of hell (aka Texas) as a teenager (definitely had no say in the matter).

So, I fully intended not to post on this subject, but then I started daydreaming about all the places that I will get to once I’m rich and famous (next year sometime, I’m sure): China, England, Japan, Russia, Italy, and Africa to name a few. And I’m sure I could write about any of those places in great detail, but I’d rather talk about a place that often pops up when I daydream.

I’ve always been a daydreamer. I think it started sometime after I learned to read (see my comment in Kristina’s post about children’s books), but I can’t be certain. I might have been born daydreaming—maybe it started as I was kicking my little brown legs, staring up at bright florescent lights of the hospital nursery while I waited for someone—anyone—to claim me as their own. Now, I find myself daydreaming whenever I am bored or overwhelmed and need to escape. It only takes an instant to switch over to this dream state—either a lull in a conversation, a topic that’s completely over my head, or one of my father’s lectures, anything can set off my subconscious into imaging crazy scenarios.

Sometimes I’m so lost that I don’t even realize when I’m daydreaming. My little sister, Jennifer, is one of the few people who knows when I’ve been overtaken by thoughts. She sort of looks at me funny and asks me why I’m smiling (fun, exciting, or scandalous daydreams make me smile). I hardly ever explain my daydreams because they’re so fragmented and jumpy or just too damn personal. Jen doesn’t pester me for details either, which I like. And while these daydreams are somewhat automatic and aren’t really sparked by any one thing, there are others that are guided by an image.

Whenever I see pictures (or watch movies) with castle ruins, I am instantly lost in my head. I imagine what it would be like if I stumbled across the ruins of a castle, fortress or old home buried deep in the woods or positioned high upon a cliff. I feel my pace slowing to a crawl and see my sneakers stopping before a stone path that leads up to the shell of a crumbled fortress where plant life has conquered the stones. I feel this heavy push of adrenaline charging through my chest and a cold shivering wash of goose bumps as they rush over my skin. I see devastation of what must have been a powerful structure and somehow I feel safe, as if this is the one and only place that I can let my own walls down.

I see myself moving slowly up the path, stepping deep into the ruins where the walls shoot upward and stop suddenly as if cut off by the sky. Here, in the center of the ruins, I find a rock hugged by moss and other crawling, creeping plant life, and I sit on it. I press my cold hands between my knees and stare at what has become of this place. I imagine how it must have looked hundreds of years ago when these crumbling walls were in their prime. Soon, if I stare hard enough and if my sister isn’t there to ask me what I’m thinking, the walls rebuild, transforming back to their smooth, young surfaces, and I see the people—not their faces or what they’re wearing, just people.

One day after a particularly vivid daydream like this—one that began when I was driving along Highway 510, the back road to our house down in Texas, and saw this little abandoned shed with a sagging roof and aluminum siding rusted through to make gaping holes—Jen asked me what I was thinking and I told her. I reconfirmed my deep desire to go to England or Scotland or Ireland (wherever castles may be) to see them for myself, to find ruins to investigate. She immediately jumped into the dream with me and we talked about what it would be like to be of the nobility—to be princesses, in a sense, walking around in castles. We spent fifteen minutes of our commute discussing what life would be like “way back then.”

Soon, as with all of our discussions, we fell into a silence. I started daydreaming about other places and maybe she thought about rational and smart things—probably something regarding international affairs. And as I drove blindly along the old highway road, somehow managing to avoid massive potholes, dead armadillos, and skunks, Jen turned to me with a sudden thought.

“You know,” she began with a smirk, “if we were to really go back to that time we’d pprrrroooobably be slaves.”

I smiled and glanced away from the road to see her grinning face and laughing eyes. We’d talked about this before, but then we transplanted ourselves into the pages of Pride and Prejudice, twirling and whirling in pretty dresses in some over-stuffed ballroom. That particular time we talked about how fun and romantic it would be—you know, the whole Mr. Darcy thing. Then Ms. Killjoy had to remind me that we’d likely be slaves serving food and dumping pee bowls.

We laughed good and hard at that.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “you’re probably right.”

“Yeah,” She said as she turned her eyes to peer through the bug-laden windshield, “that would suck.”

Soon we were driving in silence again, lost in our respective thoughts. Jen probably thought about terrorism (she was an international studies student at the time) while my mind was still consumed with castle ruins and thoughts of just what type of slave I could be and whether or not I'd be owned by a knight. And, as new thoughts and scenarios filled my mind, I started smiling.

Chekhov Story Done

2008-09-25T02:16:00.001-04:00

So... in three weeks I have to read my Chekhov-inspired story out loud to class (eek!). I just finished a rough draft tonight--so I have three weeks to perfect it and make it very Chekhovian. I'm excited! It's a little long--was supposed to be 7-10 pages, but is currently 15. Will try to edit it down.

Wednesday night must be my writing night. Maybe I'm inspired by the Chekhov class, which normally kicks my butt.

The Madness of Workshopping

2008-09-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

So... it's been two days since my story was workshopped and I feel like I can talk about it with a rational brain. I turned in what amounts to a rough draft of a story. Now, I was feeling pretty confident about this rough draft--like super confident. I wasn't thinking "hell ya, I'm the shit right now!" but more of: "Okay, this is acceptable. The emotions are there. The story is there. I'm comfortable having other people read this."

Basic plot of "Broken Reflecting Glass": Emily is a woman tortured with the feeling that she is somehow unacceptable and unworthy (of just about anything). The story is about Emily facing a difficult conversation with her mother, about wanting to stand up for herself, wanting to change her situation. The question is: Can she?

I'm not sure if that's an adequate summary of my story or not, but it will work for now.

So, I was required to turn my story in two weeks ago on a Monday. I was planning something completely different for the story, but couldn't write it. So, I wrote this instead (in about six hours maybe), edited it (3-4 times), and had some good friends read it as well. I got back good reviews from the people who read it--people who read my stuff in general--and since I felt confident in it, it was easy to turn it in to let my peers since their fingers into it. I wasn't nervous about the actual workshop until about five minutes before my prof said we would be starting with my story first.

Then... devastation. Or internalized devastation, I suppose. The majority (so about six of eight, but probably all eight thought the same) had similar comments. Basically, I broke the cardinal rule of fiction: show, don't tell. The ironic thing is that as I was re-reading my story a day before workshop, I said to myself: "Hmmm... you may be telling to much here Tanya." And low and behold the comments sounded something like this: "Not enough action", "too much telling", "not enough description", and "maybe cut out the first whole page".

So, I took all of those in and it was fine. I even spoke a little about my story--also fine. Then it was my classmate's turn and I took a peak at the written comments. One pretty much slapped me in the face: "Your story is suffering from underdevelopment" and another comment that talked about it being "rough". All fair comments, still, they hurt. And topped with the fact that I'd broken a simple rule of fiction--all I felt was embarrassment. I went through moments of "why am I here?" (a common thought process these past few weeks, actually), and just sorta sat there and internalized everything.

I felt pretty crappy all night and then better in the morning. So... it was okay. Not brutal, like some programs. Everyone was considerate and helpful--encouraging, which is nice. To read what one guy who introduced my story said, click here (he got the title of the story wrong).

Next workshop: Who knows... I need to start working on the story now though.

First Workshop

2008-09-22T19:32:00.000-04:00

Had my first story workshopped today--I'm still processing how it went overall.

Currently, I feel embarrassed, actually. Like I made elementary mistakes ALL OVER the place. Definitely room for improvement, for sure, but it's still embarrassing. Blah. Will probably post more when the emotion wears off and my rational brain can speak.

I still don't like John Gardner, see previous post.

I am a Chimpanzee

2008-09-21T18:23:00.000-04:00

So... I'm trying to get caught up on my reading for all of my classes (must use better time management skills in the future) and even now, as I am supposed to be reading, I have stopped to post on my blog. I get distracted easily I suppose.

Side note: found a room in the library that actually has AC--it's a miracle! The temperatures are dropping finally and some trees are changing colors--will post nice pictures soon.

One of the books that we're reading for my workshop class, John Gardner's "The Art of Fiction", managed to put me off within the first few paragraphs. The books subtitle (if that's what it's called) is: Notes on Craft for Young Writers. The part that really through me off was toward the end of the very first page of the book's preface:

"As matter of fact, most of the books one finds in drugstores, supermarkets, and even small-town public libraries are not well written at all;" -- this part didn't bother me... drum roll please... -- "A smart chimp with a good creative-writing teacher and a real love of sitting around banging a typewriter could have written books vastly more interesting and elegant."

He goes on to say who his audience is: "What is said here, whatever use it may be to others, is said for the elite; that is, for serious literary artists."

Well, at this point, I was so throw off by the chimp comment (I really want to have a t-shirt made up in this regard) that I didn't even want to continue reading. I still don't. I just don't get how a person can so easily dismiss the passion of others. Sure, some people publish stories just for the paycheck and maybe they aren't well written--but to essentially call them chimps, banging away at their keyboards? I don't know, that's really insulting to me. I think it's because I feel like I'm split down the middle--half of me is a serious, literary writer (or at least wants to be) and the other half of me is "capable of writing junk fiction", which requires "an authentic junk mind". So essentially, I am half chimp with a dirty, junky mind. Well crap, no wonder I can't get a man. I know he doesn't say "these people are chimps!" but it seems implied to me. I am certain that most writers who have published books (whether they be good or bad) worked very hard on them, and to be just brushed off and placed below chimps banging on keyboards?! It just doesn't sit well with me.

The rest of the book (I've made it through the first two chapters and have one more to go before tomorrow) take on this tone of snobbery and arrogance that I find so nauseating. I'll read it, because between his higher-than-thou ramblings there are a few gems of wisdom, but I'm certain that I won't enjoy it fully.

Definitely not a book for those with aspirations of mass market paperbacks on dime store shelves--like the fun part of me. So the image on this post is exactly what I feel Gardner should do at this point. Still... lots of chapters left to read, we'll see if I change my mind.

Writer's Hat

2008-09-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

So, I'm posting to avoid Chekhov. Surprised? Not me.

I'm slowly starting to feel comfortable about my classes, save Chekhov, but that will come with time and detailed reading. Workshop today went well and I felt like I could voice my opinions, somewhat clearly. I sorta botched the story introduction for my classmate (I feel bad about that), but other than that bobble, it went well. I turned in my story "Broken Reflecting Glass" and it will be workshopped next Monday. A guy, who knows a little of my plight with Chekhov and how stumped I was in regard to writing a story, asked, as I was handing it out, if I was having heart palpitations. I wasn't. Not even a nervous, tickling stomach as I passed copies around the table. Sure, I'm interested in how the guys will interpret my character and if anyone will wonder if I drew from my own life at all, but I wasn't nervous. I'm pretty confident in that little piece of work, which is saying a lot.

I'm very happy that I threw away my "workshop hat" as we talked about in class today. My prof asked if any of us had ever seen a change in our writing/voice when sitting down to write "literary" pieces. He looked directly at me (I wonder if he reads this blog) and mentioned that I was posting good things on our MFA blog (which was a nice compliment), and asked if I knew what he was talking about.

Why yes sir, I do!

I mentioned that I had put on that "Literary Hat" when sitting down to write the piece that I had intended for workshop and found that I couldn't write anything. I had to take off the hat--throw it like a piece of trash to the ground--and just write. And when I did this, my story came out quickly, perfectly, and I was content.

I don't ever want to wear that damn hat again.

So, if you ever catch be blogging and I mention avoiding writing, writer's block, or any other nonsense, slap me and tell me to take the god damned hat off and burn it.

Freedom of Mind

2008-09-13T21:33:00.001-04:00

I wrote a short story today.

Let me repeat that: I wrote a short story today!

It's currently 12 pages--which is SUPER short for me actually. And the best news: I'm actually really excited about it. Last night I went to a Poker-turned-Dance-Party get together, which was a lot of fun. I didn't dance (no surprise really), but I did get to talking with some of the girls in my program. I told them all about my fears, insecurities, etc., and we just sat around talking about things. It really helped to just hear them giving ideas and sharing their own fears (it always feels good to hear that other people are struggling a little too). But it was actually conversation with this guy, a current (almost finished) fiction student for me to see the light. I asked him in he missed workshoping and being in classes since he's currently working on his thesis and he said no. He talked about the pressure of writing for someone (peers, workshopers) versus writing for himself or for his intended audience. He found himself writing stories with people in his workshops in mind--thinking about what they'd appreciate or enjoy. I realized that I don't want to do that. I realized that I've been stumped with my writing because of this very fact--because I don't want to change my current writing style to appease my classmates. I just want to write what I am close to. So, I ditched my planned story and have spent the past five hours working on something new--a solid draft that will be pretty good by the time I finish it tomorrow.

I am happy. Story is posted here (leave a review so I know what you think!).

New Toy

2008-09-12T15:24:00.000-04:00

I bought myself an 80GB iPod yesterday. It's my new favorite toy. I also started the story that I'll be turning in on Monday for workshop on Sept. 22. I'm probably crazy to be writing something so fresh for workshop, but then I have nothing else. I volunteered to go next as a way to push myself to write. After I download the rest of these CDs, I'm off to the library to crank out a few more pages.

Feeling a little better about classes too... but Wednesday was a crap-filled day.

Starting to Understand...

2008-09-10T21:48:00.001-04:00

... why I shy away from difficult things.

It's been a long day.

A World Removed

2008-09-08T19:35:00.000-04:00

So for the past seven days, I've been dreading and agonizing over one thing: my first workshop. I didn't realize how big a burden these feelings of worry and anxiety were, or how they had settled comfortably between my shoulder blades, until both floated away when I finally sat down in workshop class today. I don't know why, but the moment I was in the classroom I felt comfortable. The fear was magically gone. I felt lighter.

I have come to realize that I am in my head too much, which is not a new epiphany. This (workshop or MFA program, probably both) isn't as big a deal as I've been making it out to be. I think I've made myself sick (ie: my cold) over worrying about whether or not I'm in the right place (MFA program) or if I "deserve" to be here. I've been feeling so alone in my anxiety because no one else is talking about it. And who would? It would require a level of vulnerability and trust--and it takes me a bit to trust people, so I don't come right out and say "Hey, I'm feeling a bit unworthy." Of course anyone who reads this blog will know about my insecurities, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me liked the idea of writing somewhat anonymously--it let me be more real. I'm worried that some of that will change now.

So, for the past few days, since classes started, I've felt myself shrinking--the weight on my back growing heavier and heavier. It sometimes felt like there were a million little Tanyas running around inside me screaming. Parts of this solitary confinement began to chip away as I talked with some of my peers and saw that they too may be feeling certain apprehensions about this whole process (or did when they started). I don't know why I've been operating under the assumption that people enter these programs knowing everything there is to know about writing, but I have and it's made things worse for me. Plus... everyone seems to be wearing their confident shoes. Confident in their writing and reading. My shoes are full of holes and have worn soles. Everyone seems so put together and knows so much more about literary fiction while I'm constantly jotting down authors and stories that I "should" have read a long time ago; feeling inept at communicating why something is good or bad. People either know what they're talking about, are good at B.S.ing, or are just as nervous as I am to stand so vulnerably before them. They just hide it better than me.

I don't know... I guess I need to process this more. All I know is that I feel a bit more secure after workshop today. I guess it's just me giving in to the idea that I am a beginning writer, although I've been writing stories since I was nine. I am a beginner--so I suppose it's okay that I don't know everything yet. I'm here to learn everything I can about writing. I just wish it wasn't so overwhelming at times.

Oh... and I volunteered to have a story ready to workshop in two weeks. It's due next Monday. I guess this will motivate me to start (and hopefully keep) writing. I have no stories to fall back on so I'll have to write something new--or use my application story, I suppose. I'm going to try to write something new though.